I Don't Hate You
by The Hannalizer
Summary: Mer/Add set season 2-3, Addison's POV. At the end of her marriage with Derek she falls in love with Meredith, but things turn out to be more complicated than it first seems... Barely non-existing Addek, some Maddison, plenty of Mer/Add. Please R&R!
1. Some Swedish Food

_A/N: This is the longest thing I've ever written, and it will have many chapters, so alert it, because you will want to read more! :D Don't forget to tell me what you think! Review review review! :D_

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><p><strong>I Don't Hate You<strong>

_**Chapter 1: Some Swedish Food**_

Meredith Grey was on Addison's service. Derek wanted to try to be friends with Meredith, and she would try to do that too... But it wasn't easy, after the mess of adultery that woman had ended up in the middle of. Not her fault, not really her fault. She would at least try to like her. She earned as much, so she was making an effort. They were friends.

"Dr. Grey," or should she call her by her first name? Where did the limit of this friendship go?

"Yes, Dr. Shepherd?" Meredith urged, since she hadn't continued.

Better to stick to last names during work.

"Yeah, so, schedule an ultra sound for Mrs Brooks."

Meredith just nodded and went to work right away. Maybe she thought it was awkward working with her. She didn't like that thought, even though she felt the same. Tried to feel different about it anyway.

She was hardly concentrated in her paperwork, and hardly heard the door open when Meredith entered.

"Hey," she said and closed the door behind her. "So, the triplets look fine."

"Good, good. I will check up on them later."

"Okay," Meredith said. Then she just stood there, waiting for something. Addison looked up at her questioningly.

"I'm just wondering, what I can do now?"

"You can sit down."

"Sit... down?"

Addison laughed at the younger woman's confusion.

"Well, a big part of this job is also paperwork! Being on my service, you get to help me with mine."

"Okay," she said. She sat down opposite of Addison.

A huff of some kind of shampoo hit Addison's nose when Meredith seated herself.

"What kind of shampoo do you have?" she asked, and immediately wondered if it had been a wrong thing to blurt out. A too personal thing on their base of friendship.

"Lavender," Meredith answered in a surprised tone. A surprised, but not offended tone. But why would she be offended anyway?

"Smells nice," Addison mumbled.

They worked under silence for a while. Eventually Addison got sidetracked with looking at Meredith. Wondering what she thought about, how she felt about her and Derek. She noticed how soft her skin looked and that her lips needed some chapstick. What did Derek see in this woman?

"You're watching me," Meredith noted.

"Oh, I'm sorry... I mean uh..." Embarrassing... But she needed to make this more normal. "Are we friends, Meredith?" she asked carefully.

Saying her first name felt a bit strange in her mouth. And she held her breath while waiting for the answer.

"Yeah, sure."

"Good," Addison nodded. "I was," she cleared her throat, "I was wondering if you wanted to grab a coffee some time?"

She couldn't believe she just asked her that.

"Uhm, yeah, okay, sure," Meredith said, smiling without showing teeth. A nice smile, but still a bit stiff and artificial.

"I'm sorry, Meredith?" Fuck, she made her name sound like a question. "I mean I'm sorry. I can understand that you don't feel completely comfortable with me – I mean, I wouldn't have been comfortable with me. I wouldn't even have liked me. But my point is, that I don't want you to feel that way. I'd think it would be better if we could be friends. ...Or at least try to," she ended, almost making it sound like a question too.

"Yeah. Don't worry Addison, we can have coffee," she said and smiled, this time it looked more natural. And she succeeded to say her name normally. Why couldn't Addison say "Meredith" in a normal tone too?

~GA~

She saw Meredith at the nurse's station and her stomach fluttered at the sight of her – she was going to try to become friends with her. It was a grand thing to do. The woman had slept with her husband after all. But it felt intriguing... The thought of becoming friends with her. Fluttering.

"So," Addison said and cleared her throat, which seemed to be something necessary whenever putting down some charts for the nurses. "I'm having the afternoon off on Thursday if you could – wanted – to have coffee?" Oh, why-why did she sound so insecure and lame?

"Uhm," Meredith said while her head spun, going through her schedule in her mind. She slightly furrowed her eyebrows. "I don't know if I'm free then."

"Free for what?" Richard suddenly asked, eaves dropping while walking by.

"Free for having coffee," Addison answered while Meredith had her mouth open in an "uuh" seeming to take her time for finding the title of their coffee.

Richard was dumbfounded.

"You two? Having coffee?" He eventually succeeded getting out.

"Yes," they both answered a bit exasperatedly. Suddenly it felt annoying with his disbelief.

"Really?" Richard asked as if it was something that never could occur in his imagination.

"Why can't we have coffee, Richard?" Addison said.

"Yeah, cause we're friends," Meredith added.

"Rea-"

"Richard," Addison interrupted curtly.

He suddenly smiled.

"That's great. When did I hear you say? Thursday? Are you free then Meredith?"

"Uhm, I don't know..."

"Well, you now are. That's the benefit of being the chief," he said and winked at her.

Meredith smiled. "Thanks, chief."

He smiled back and nodded and walked away

"He's always butting in in my life," Meredith kind of apologized when he had left.

Surprised by this comment Addison said "are you apologizing for that?"

"I don't know. Maybe, yes."

"Don't apologize. He's looking after you. That's a good thing," Addison said and gave Meredith's arm a slight squeeze.

~GA~

"You're having coffee with Meredith?" Derek asked her, positively surprised and wrapped his arms around her.

"Yeah."

She was tired after having had a really long day. It felt cozy to have his breath against her neck and his strong arms wrapped around her waist. They weren't as strong as Mark's arms! Oh God... She had to stop comparing them... She made a mental note to try to see the men in her life separately as one of Derek's hands found her breast and made a satisfied noise. They both knew they were too tired to get it on tonight.

"It's good that you give her a chance," he mumbled, sleep was drenched in his voice. "She's a good person."

"I'm sure she is," she said, feeling her eyelids drop.

~GA~

"I know this great coffee-place," Addison told Meredith. They were walking to her car, leaving the hospital for at least a couple of hours, which was more than you normally could ask for.

"Okay."

"I mean, I don't know Seattle that well, but I found this really cute Swedish place."

"Swedish? Seriously?" Meredith said, looking baffled.

"Yes, seriously. You've got to try the chocolate cake," Addison answered and unlocked the car. "Do you like chocolate?"

"Yeah, but I guess I'm more of a strawberry person," she answered while they stepped inside of the car.

Addison nodded and gave her a look as if to see through her. "Unusual."

"Making the dark and twisty a bit less dark and twisty with all the happy flavors and colors."

Addison lifted an eyebrow.

"Never mind," Meredith said and smiled at her.

The Swedish restaurant looked as expected. It was full of Swedish people, and they were all talking quietly with each other, eating food or just having coffee. The design was very IKEA, probably all the way, and the music had jazzy undertones.

"I never knew about this place," Meredith breathed.

"They have great food... That is... If you stay away of some of the fish..."

Meredith laughed and they were shown to a table. The waiter left them there to go get the menus.

"So, do you want lunch or just coffee?"

"Hm, lunch maybe? What do you want?"

"Yeah, lunch seems good."

The waiter gave them the menu and Meredith furrowed her eyebrows while trying to decide what to pick, mouthing something that seemed like "lots of potato on this menu".

"You should try the meatballs. Or the oven baked pancakes," Addison helped her. "I think I'll go with the roast elk..."

"What about the salmon?"

Completely devoured by their conversation about food they hardly noticed when someone started screaming before they could smell fire. They turned around and saw the chef, still with the hat on his head, running around in circles in terror with an arm on fire. He was screaming in Swedish and the customers who were able to scream in the same language seemed to copy his words or try to tell him what to do.

The sprinkler system got off and drenched the room within seconds. The fire didn't put out though and it slowly spread to his face where it ate the flesh of the poor man. Luckily, a girl ran out from the kitchen with a fire extinguisher which she directed toward him and the fire was pretty soon put out.

Addison gave Meredith a look, who nodded, and they ran to the man to help him.

"I'm Dr. Shepherd and that is Dr. Grey," Addison said to the patient when she kneeled by his side, immediately beginning to search for her emergency kit from her purse.

"Call 911!" Meredith shouted. "I need clean cloths, some plastic wrap and a bucket of ice cold water!"

"You need to lay very still, okay?" Addison said to the patient who met her eyes and she knew he understood.

She found her scissor and cut away the clothing that were in the way.

He had 3rd degree burns on his arm, and 2nd on his neck and face. There would of course be scarring, but he would probably be able to cover most of it up.

"Check his airways," she told Meredith.

"Sir, can you take a deep breath for me?," Meredith asked the patient. He was in great pain, but listened to her and took a ragged breath. "And breath out. What's your name?" she asked the man.

"Lars Stark... Call me... Lars," he grunted through the pain.

"Okay, Lars," Meredith said calmly, but with a completely different pronunciation of his name. He'd said it a bit like Laasch. "I know this hurts, but you have to hold on until the ambulance gets here."

"Okay, I can do that," he panted. "I... It was my wife who..."

"You don't have to talk."

Another employee on the restaurant came with the bucket of iced water, the plastic film and the towels they needed. Addison took the bucket and poured some water on the burns. When she put the bucket down Meredith drenched the towels in the remaining water. Meanwhile Addison rolled out the plastic and put it on the more extensive wounds, to avoid the towels to stick to the wounds, which would cause unnecessary pain.

They were a great team, working simultaneously side by side, almost like one person. The burns were covered and now all they had to do was to wait.

They kept on talking to Lars and keeping him calm until the paramedics showed up. When they were describing the burns to the paramedics a police car rolled up on the curb outside.

Two policemen stepped inside. Seeming to look around, searching for something.

Meredith stepped a bit closer to Addison and whispered "this can't be good."

Addison let out a sigh when the officers walked up to them.

"Are you the doctors who fixed Mr. Stark up some?"

"Yeah," Addison said, thinking that the officers seemed unprofessional and she was really not in the mood for unprofessional officers in that moment. She was drenched in water from the sprinklers. Her shirt was see-through and one of the officers eyes were darting down toward her chest every third second.

"We have some questions we'd like to ask you."

"Okay," Meredith said. "But can it be quick?" she asked. Her jaw shook with cold and her lips had gotten a slight bluish color.

"Of course, ma'am," the breast-staring officer replied, for the first time giving Meredith a glance. "How do you know Mr. Stark?"

"We don't know him. We were just planning to eat here," Addison said with a hint of irritation in her voice.

"Okay, can you please describe what happened here?"

Addison described it quickly and went through what they did to treat the burns.

"Can we go now? We kind of need to change our clothes," Meredith said and they got their bodies examined by the eyes of both officers.

"Of course. We'll be in touch if we need something else. Thank you, ladies, have a good day."

"Assholes," Addison said when they had left.

"Woah, Addison, language," Meredith laughed.

"Incompetent fools," she said and shook her head. "Let's go to the bathroom and try to dry this mess up."

There was a mirror in the bathroom where they both realized how horrible they looked. Addison's mascara had run and her hair lay in rat tails around her head. Meredith was pale and with her hair in the same condition, but Addison thought Meredith looked prettier than her and it made her feel surprisingly self-conscious about herself.

They used paper towels to dry themselves up, and when they thought they had done everything they could, Meredith told Addison that she had some extra clothes in the back of her car.

Not entirely comfortable with her see-through shirt, she gladly accepted the offer of changing into something else.

Meredith opened the trunk where she had a bag.

"If there'd be a crisis in the hospital," she said as if she needed to explain her stash of clothes, toothpaste and deodorant. "I guess... We can change in the car," she added, looking over her shoulder at the crowd around them.

They crammed themselves into the back seat of the car. With some effort, Addison had soon gotten out of her skirt and pantyhose and replaced them with an intern's scrub pants. Meredith had begun something that seemed like the life-long fight against wet and too tight jeans. She arched her back, trying to pull down the jeans, and then pulling her panties back up, then she gave that up and lifted one of her legs and tried to pull the jeans off from her feet, which proved even more difficult. The jeans were glued to her body.

Addison watched Meredith's struggle. Kind of mesmerized.

"Damn it! This is making me claustrophobic," Meredith complained, then sighed, stopped fighting against the jeans and looked at Addison, who turned her gaze away and started unbuttoning her shirt.

Meredith groaned of frustration.

"Uhm," Addison began. "Do you want some help?" she offered, thinking that was the only polite thing to do when she seemed to kill herself on the way to taking wet clothes off.

Meredith laughed. "With taking my jeans off?"

Addison shrugged. "You seem to need help."

"Yeah... True," Meredith said and lied down on the car seats. "Okay, I'll lift and you pull?"

"Sure," Addison said and plastered on a smile.

She didn't know why and what it was, but just the mere thought of taking off Meredith's clothes bothered her for some reason she couldn't grasp.

Meredith lifted her hips and made her body make a kind of low bridge. Addison took a grip on the jeans at one of her knees and pulled. It seemed to be the most logical place to put her hands. She didn't want to touch her legs too far up.

"This would be a lot easier if you could stand up," Addison complained, mostly to break the awkwardness.

"I'm not taking off my clothes outside," Meredith gasped as she tried to roll the jeans off of her hips.

Bit by bit they managed to completely remove Meredith's pants off her body.

"Thanks," Meredith gasped when they were done.

Addison laughed, the situation was too weird.

"Stop laughing! Not funny!"

"It is funny," Addison protested and saw the sweat pants by her side and threw them playfully on Meredith.

"Seriously, I had serious issues, and you're laughing at them? So disrespectful," Meredith muttered, but from under a smile and began pulling on the sweat pants.

Addison shook her head and continued unbuttoning her shirt. It was to expensive just to drop to the floor so she tried to somewhat fold it.

Suddenly she noticed from the corner of her eye that Meredith was watching her, but not to her eyes. She turned her head to look at her and Meredith's eyes darted from chest-level to eye-level.

"Nice bra," Meredith smiled.

Addison looked down at her own breasts. Remembering that she had recently bought a new bra. It was silky, with a soft pink color and lace on top.

"Oh yeah, thank you," Addison said and was about to tell her all about her Saturday shopping, but her phone began vibrating in her soaked purse.

"I'm surprised that it still works," Meredith said.

Addison looked at the display and furrowed her eyebrows.

"It's uhm... It's Derek," Addison mumbled and put the phone to her ear. "Hi, Derek. Where are you?" Addison asked, her eyes flickering toward Meredith.

"I'm at home. It's Doc, he's getting sicker. He's having some serious trouble walking," Derek said.

"Oh no, that's bad."

"What, what is it?" Meredith asked.

"It's our dog," Addison told her.

"Was that Meredith?" Derek asked, surprised.

"Yes, Derek, that was Meredith, I told you we were going out today," Addison sighed exasperatedly.

Meredith smirked.

"We need to take him to the vet," Derek said, changing the subject.

"Okay, can you get an appointment?"

"For what? What's up with Doc?" Meredith asked her.

"Yes. Talk to you soon, bye," Derek said and the phone clicked.

Meredith looked at her with worried eyes.

"Doc is sick. Derek said he can't walk."

"Fuck...," Meredith breathed.

"Yeah... Maybe we should get back to the hospital."

"Yeah..."

~GA~

Addison, usually feeling fabulous in fabulous clothes, walked into SGH dressed in on set of Meredith's scrub pants (she didn't want to lend out her sweat pants because they had some ominous stains on them) and a Dartmouth sweater. Meredith had brought her hair up in a rubber and she just felt really, really trashy... And then she meant really trashy. Really.

Oh no... Yang.

"Woah, what happened to you?" Cristina said when she saw their wet hair and their strange set of clothing.

"Long story," Meredith sighed and walked past her.

"But... What did you do?"

"We're friends," Meredith said and smiled, as if that explained everything.

"You're friends?" Cristina repeated. "What _did_ you do?"

"It includes fire, water, burns and food that never got to be eaten," Meredith rambled, probably feeling the hunger ripping in her stomach.

"Dr. Shepherd?" a nurse suddenly asked.

"Yes."

"We have a patient for you, and for you too Dr. Grey."

"Me? Why?"

"He's asking for you. He said you helped him with his burns."

"Mr. Stark?" Addison asked baffled. They had no idea he ended up in SGH.

Meeting the patient he said he wanted to thank them, but he gave their clothes a funny look, as everyone else did.

"How can I help you, Mr. Stark?" Addison asked him, going into her professional mode, despite how she looked and felt.

"Shouldn't you be asking what she can do for me too?" he asked and looked at Meredith.

"Dr. Grey is a competent doctor, but I'm an attending and she's an intern so she works for me."

"Ah," he said, smiling wickedly.

"So... How are you feeling?"

"Better. Fun to have met you guys."

Addison frowned.

"Come closer," he said to Meredith, who itched closer to Addison, standing by the side of the bed instead of by the foot. "I've been working at a restaurant for 23 years, and I can see when someone is good for another."

"I'm sorry...?"

"I can tell when there's attraction," he confided.

"Uhm, I'm sorry Mr. Stark, you've been through a lot-"

"I'm just telling you that you should be proud of what you have."

"Are you suggesting that we..."

"Would be a couple?" Meredith ended Addison's sentence.

Lars Stark just smiled at them.

Derek came in through the door.

"I heard that you should be here," he said. Meredith gave Addison some space and looked away when Derek gave Addison a quick kiss.

Lars's eyebrows went to the roof.

Derek turned to Meredith and asked her if she could come help him with another patient. Lars gave Addison a look that clearly said that he had the wrong idea about it all. She rolled her eyes.

"Oh, and Addison," Derek said, turning around before walking out of the door along with Meredith. "I scheduled a time to check up on Doc. We all should be there. See you later."

"Ooh, a menage à trois," Lars said, almost giggling.

"We're _not_ having a menage à trois," Addison said firmly and started walking out of there.

He laughed. "What if I tell on you?"

"There's nothing to tell," she protested. "I'm going now, unless you have something medical I can attend to. After all, I am a board certified neonatal surgeon, but I guess you're not pregnant."

He laughed again. She kind of felt bullied by him, which made her feel like a child.

"Bye, Dr. Shepherd."


	2. Oh the Boys

_A/N: Hey! Thanks for reading and reviewing! :D I've got 3 announcements to make! 1. I was totally exhausted when I posted the first chapter last night, so I forgot to mention that _**iam-kelly**_, but I think mostly _**indubitably-epic**_ helped with betaing this fic. Read their fics if you haven't, they're awesome writers. 2. I'm a totally busy person, cause I'm studying in France, so the updating won't be this often in the future. I'll probably update on weekends and maybe Wednesdays. 3. The scenes from GA that I have left unchanged will disappear eventually, as my own story naturally develop. It's just in the first chapters! I wanted to write the original scenes, but from a Mer/Add point of view. Hope I succeeded... Just mentioned this because I realized that this particular chapter includes lots of stuff from Grey's, awesome stuff though... But yeah. I'm stopping the rambling now. Enjoy!_

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><p><strong>I Don't Hate You<br>**

_**Chapter 2: Oh the Boys**_

A couple of days later they were all gathered in the veterinarian's office, discussing their dog's disease. She noticed Derek was acting very strangely toward Meredith.

"That's it. That's your diagnosis," Derek stated after the vet had told them what he had.

"Yes, he said bone cancer, so that would be his diagnosis," Meredith answered for the vet with a meaningful tone of voice, obviously knowing something Addison didn't. What had happened between the two?

"I heard him, I was double checking," Derek said, glaring at Meredith. The two of them stared at each other for a short while.

Addison looked from one to another, feeling confused. What had changed? They were so happy a moment ago. Everyone had been friends, but something had definitely happened.

"I still need to do a bone scan, to see how far it's spread," Finn said, interrupting the silent battle and to Addison's relief, Derek leaned back in the couch. "Osteosarcoma's are aggressive, but we can try to treat it with chemo or remove the tumor entirely. If it's spread too far we may have to amputate the limb."

"At that point should we even bother...," Derek said, sounding too grumpy to actually form a question of his sentence. Not having talked to her husband since the night before his behavior surprised her.

"Oh right, let's just let him die!" Meredith said sarcastically.

"I don't want him to suffer, Meredith."

"Right."

In the elevator on their way to work, Addison felt the need to say something. Something was clearly going on between the two. A fight.

Her thoughts jumped to exaggerated conclusions about them having sex and then fighting because Meredith had in fact slept with Mark too and Derek found out. That didn't seem likely, since Mark wasn't even here, but her mind continued sending her pictures like the time when she got a virus on her computer which sent out porn pictures with no end.

"So...," Addison began, interrupting her own mind in need of answers. "What's... I mean, is there something going on?"

"No," they both answered at the same time.

"Did you guys have a fight or something?" Addison said, not at all convinced with their answer.

"No," they answered again.

Addison looked at Meredith, trying to read the woman's face.

"So... We're all still... friends?"

"Yes," they said, sounding a bit annoyed with her asking.

Later, she tried to have a normal conversation with Derek, but he didn't even seem to listen to her. He was still angry. So she asked him what was going on between him and Meredith but he just answered "there's nothing to tell" and that was it.

She couldn't help it, but she felt threatened by Meredith. She couldn't think of another reason to their strange behavior, even though she felt ashamed when she wasn't able to trust them.

Her thoughts twirled in her head, she couldn't concentrate on her work, and she kept seeing their naked bodies doing things she didn't want them to be doing. She was imagining why and when they could have been doing it and why they'd be fighting about it later. Maybe one of them wanted to have a relationship but the other didn't. How long had they been sleeping together?

Thinking like this would eventually drive her crazy. It made her crazily sure of the affair her husband was having and she had to know the truth. If she didn't ask, and they were sleeping with each other, she'd be fooling herself and living a lie. It wouldn't be pretty when the ugly truth came out, but it would definitely not be worth to continue to live like this.

She had to ask. But she couldn't make herself ask Derek, to doubt him in front of him. So she decided to ask Meredith, since they were friends. A friendship that had grown a bit stiff lately.

Luckily the other woman was alone in a small room, occupied with some paperwork.

"Hey," she greeted.

"Hey," Meredith almost sighed.

"Have you seen Dr. Karev?"

"Uh... Hours ago."

Addison nodded. Realized that she didn't know anything else to say to circle her true question. Meredith smiled and then turned back to the paperwork. Awkward moment.

Meredith peeked up at her, still smiling, but an awkward smile. It said "what do you want Addison?"

"Sorry, I.. I mean, I'm not sorry!" Addison rambled. "I just, I'm having a little trouble because I need to ask you something," she continued, not rambling, and then began the rambling again, "and I don't usually have trouble! But what I need to ask – I'm not even sure I want the answer to – but I have to ask! So, I'm just gonna ask you, and then you answer, and then... I'll go from there, okay?

"Okay," Meredith said, raising her eyebrows.

"Are you sleeping with my husband?" she said so it almost sounded like one word.

"Not since before I knew he was married."

"Okay," Addison smiled and allowed herself to breath again. She turned around to go away, but then figured the problem was not solved at all, so she turned to Meredith again. "Except, just... It felt like in the vet's office this morning and then again in the elevator... It felt a little like you two were having... a lover's quarrel?"

"No. We're not. I've moved on," Meredith said and Addison nodded. "I'm dating Finn."

The words hit her smack in the face.

"You're dating the vet?" she said. She was confused by her emotions. She was seeing black. Mixed emotions. Derek was jealous, it was far too clear, and her own emotions. She was hurt, and somehow not only by Derek. "Okay," she said, and turned to leave.

"Addison," Meredith said.

"No, no thanks I'm good – thanks I'm great," Addison said before she left her, pasting on a smile even though she knew it didn't fool anyone.

Derek asked her for a consult an hour or two later. Her emotions were still rioting and she could still not focus on working, which seemed to be the theme lately.

He had asked for her help because there was a couple who wanted to keep their brain-dead daughter as a human incubator for her unborn baby. The man started shouting at her, and she didn't keep her face and raised her voice back at them. Derek apologized and excused themselves, pulling her away from the room.

"What are you doing? They just lost their daughter," Derek said, while they were walking with quick, agitated footsteps down the corridor.

"I know, that was my point, Derek. They need to face that, she's not coming back," Addison said, thinking about Meredith, trying to make two points in one.

"A little sensitivity would've been nice here, okay?" Derek said, stopping her. Addison looked at him, a disbelieving smile on her face. Who was he to talk about sensitivity? "They love their daughter. They don't wanna let go, alright?" he said.

"What! What they're doing is not about love, Derek! It's, it's... Well, it's like you," she said, giving up the charade and gestured toward him.

"Excuse me?" he said coldly.

"Like how you pretend to love me but really you're just using me to fill some need you have to be a good guy." It was so true. Everybody knew he loved Meredith. Not her. Not Addison. The one he should love. The one she should love, but at least she was trying. He wasn't trying at all.

"Now is not the time to talk about this," he said calmly, but putting anger behind his words. "We'll talk about this later," he said and started walking away. So annoying, why did he always patronize her like that?

"You walk away, Derek? That's all I get?"

"Just calm down, please!" Oh right, pretend to be the civil one! Caveman!

"What? You're not gonna yell at me? Call me names? Or I don't know, ignore me in an elevator!"

"What do you want from me Addison?" he asked, his voice calm, she just wished he would scream at her like she did at him.

"I want you to care! I sleep with your best friend and you walk away. He comes out here from New York and rubs it in your face and still you get a good night's sleep! What do I have to do? Oh, I know," she said sarcastically. "Maybe what I should do is go on a date with the vet, because that seems to be something that sends you into a blind rage – oh but wait, that won't work either – because I'm not Meredith Grey!"

Derek slightly looked to his side. Down to the room under them. She followed his gaze and saw a whole crowd staring – including Meredith. Derek walked away and left her standing there. Humiliated.

~GA~

She asked Derek if she had been jealous without reason, and he didn't answer. He just said "Addison" and then he asked her if she wanted to go to prom with him. The prom the interns had arranged for a special patient.

It had felt like a peace offering, so she didn't bother pondering about his avoiding the subject. She didn't want to feel jealous or being the angry and bitter part of the relationship. So she just smiled at him, accepting the peace offering.

They put Doc down. And later came prom.

Meredith was stunning in a black dress, showing off her smooth pale skin in a beautiful way. She tried not to look at her. She was everywhere all the time. In her head and in Derek's head. She wasn't sure Meredith haunted her mind because of Derek and the messy triangle of "friendship" they had been trying to keep up. The triangle would still be there. Always clouding her thoughts, distracting her. Making her want to leave both Derek and Meredith and never to see them again. Yet she didn't want to leave them alone to frolic like lovers.

The thought of the two of them together was enough to make her sick. She thought of Meredith's skin, being touched by Derek's hands. She couldn't stand it.

She turned Derek around so she didn't have to see the other woman. She didn't want to see her. But she forgot about him looking at her too...

He excused himself to go check on a patient and after the party she found a pair of black panties in the pocket of Derek's suit.

Grieving the loss of her life, her marriage... Everything she had had in the past, almost, 20 years. Everything she had built! And that she now would be on her own... This resulted at first in a day of heavy drinking and muffins, if she remembered it correctly. Later, when she started feeling that she needed something else to comfort herself than alcohol she called Mark.

"Yep," he answered.

"Mark, I'm drunk," she said.

"A drunken Addison... Hm, what happened?" Mark asked with an amused voice. She thought she could hear him take a sip of a beer.

"My marriage is over. Derek cheated."

"Oh no, I'm sorry babe."

"Don't call me babe. You and I won't happen, you know that."

"Come home. Now you have no reason to stay in Seattle. Come home to New York. Please?"

"No."

"Okay, I'm coming to you."

"What?"

"You need sex. I'm Mark Sloan. Think of it as a... transcontinental booty-call. Hey, I don't mind."

Addison couldn't help but smile.

"And then I could try to convince you to come back home," he added.

"Ha, ha."

She didn't keep track on how much time passed. But then he suddenly was there.

She was sitting in the hotel bar, drinking her sins away. And then he suddenly stood there, looking even more muscular since the last time she had seen him. He smiled at her.

"Enough drinking, Addie," he said and reached out a hand for her to take. She took it.

It felt nice to be taken care of.

In the hotel room he gave her a glass of water to drink and turned on the shower.

"Shower with me?"

This was exactly what she needed. He quickly stripped naked and then started taking her clothes off. She didn't bother to actually help him, and he didn't seem to mind.

He seemed to understand that she was far too drunk to be having sex with so he just showered with her and then took her to bed. Where she slept for some hours. The hot sex came later.

And it was hot. Like always with Mark.

~GA~

Mark was shaving while Addison took a shower. She was still in the shower when he had finished his art work and just stayed there, watching her.

She felt his eyes on her back as he stared and she was just about to ask him why he didn't join her when he said "Addison. You're kind of glowing."

She turned around and said sharply "I'm not pregnant!"

He laughed.

"Okay! But that wasn't what I meant. I know you, so I can tell..."

"Tell what?"

"You're in love," he said as he threw off the towel on the floor and stepped into the shower.

"I'm not," she protested.

"You are. But it's not with me. Trust me, I would know."

He took the soap soaked sponge from her hands and began rubbing her back.

"Why would you still be in love with Derek? Heck, you weren't even in love with him when you decided to move back here."

She turned around to face him. "And how would you know?" she asked grumpily.

"I know," he said and smiled crookedly.

"Stop being such a know-it-all!" she said and smacked him on his chest.

He answered with pushing her against the wall and pressing himself against her back.

"Addison," he said. "I'm stronger than you. Now tell me, who are you in love with? It can't be Derek, right?" he said close to her neck.

"No one! You're crazy. I'm a free woman who can do whatever she wants with whoever she wants. And obviously, I can't be in love with someone, because I am here doing these things with you," she said and pushed her butt closer to him.

"Woah!" Mark exclaimed and brought some distance between them.

She turned around and stared at him.

"Why do you care?"

"Because it's weird! Who can you be in love with?"

He laughed. "I bet it's a chick, you should be done with trying to have relationships with men."

Addison didn't noticed that she did some kind of revealing gesture but his eyes widened.

"Oh my god!" he exclaimed. "You're in love with a girl? You're going all lesbo?" he said, and his facial expression changed from being shocked to dreamy.

"Shut up," she said and smacked him again. "Not true," she continued, but didn't know what else to say.

"Come on, you can't even deny it properly. So, who is it?"

Addison looked down to her feet.

Mark laughed for himself. "I bet it's Derek's slutty intern, she's probably got the whole hospital drooling over her."

Addison looked up and met his gaze with wide eyes.

His eyes went even wider.

"You...!" he choked. He couldn't get anymore words to come out and she just wanted to get some space between herself and him.

She turned off the water.

"Addie," he said.

She pulled the water out of her hair.

"Addie."

She opened the door to the shower cabinet.

"Addie."

She took a towel and wrapped it around her body.

"Addison."

"Mark," she answered in a snub.

He followed her into the hotel room. She went straight to the fridge and took a bottle of white wine and filled up a glass. Mark was still trying to form the words in his mouth.

After she had taken about three sips of wine he finally managed to say "You have the hots for Meredith? No, let me correct that – you have _feelings_ for her?"

"I have not," she mumbled.

"Call room service," he said, kissed her on her cheek, "I'll be right back," and went back into the bathroom.

Mark was still in the bathroom when someone knocked on the door. She opened and realized it was Derek. She let him in and he told her that their marriage was over, that it was incredibly sad. She was dreading the worst, especially when he said he was sorry for what he did with Meredith. And then she heard the bathroom door open and out stepped Mark himself. The numb feeling she was having grew and grew and she felt just like sinking through the floor to die.

"Oh, this is awkward," Mark said, the king of coming up with good things to say, only having a towel barely wrapped around his hips.

Derek took the champagne glass she held loosely in her hand and gulped down all of its content, then he said he felt much better and left.

It was totally over. And Derek was right, it really was incredibly sad.


	3. A Distracted Adulterous Sociopath

**I Don't Hate You**

_**Chapter 3: A Distracted Adulterous Sociopath**_

The next morning Mark had convinced her to stop moping around. It wasn't so hard to do, since he was Mark and all. But now she really needed to go to work.

"Thank you, truly Mark, for all of the sex. I really, I feel so much better now, I do. Well, now I have to go, and so do you. So do you want me to call you a cab to the airport?" Addison said, getting dressed. Mark was eying her all the time and without answering her question he grabbed her and pinned her down to the bed.

"You don't have to feel embarrassed Addie," he said, pushing her coat aside to expose her skin. She could feel him harden already. "I think it's hot."

"Well, I'm sure you do," she said. He lifted her up, pressing her against his very naked body, while he, with almost a professional touch, unzipped her pencil skirt. While she only had her feet, shoulders and head touching the bed, he swiftly pulled the garment down to her knees and then laid her down again. When he started touching her thighs she realized that he had gotten off her pantyhose and her panties in the same move. She hadn't even noticed.

"Mark, I really need to go to work..." she said breathlessly.

"Work can wait," he said, completely ignoring her lame struggle. He let his hand wander down her body, her breasts, the curve of her waist, sliding down beneath her thighs.

She gasped as he suddenly, roughly, thrust two fingers inside her. "See? Lucky you were already wet, otherwise that would have hurt," he said and kissed her on her neck, at the same time finding her G-spot with his fingers.

"Mark," she breathed, forgetting why she was fighting him.

"Unbutton your blouse," he said to her against her chest, and then leaned back to watch her undress.

His eyes sparkled when she did as she was told, doing it slowly because she knew it would make him crazy, keeping eye contact all the time. He got impatient and started helping her by tugging off her clothes with one hand. Once completely naked he dived in to feast on her breasts. He felt her clenching around his fingers, not wanting her to cum yet he removed them making her groan.

"Don't stop, don't do this to me, please," she said, hating herself for begging the man.

He smiled at her crookedly. "Tell me Addie. What are you thinking about?"

"No, please, don't make me...," she moaned and reached down to grab his cock, knowing that if she took control of the situation she would certainly make it too much for him to resist. He probably knew exactly what she was thinking so he grabbed both her hands and pressed them down beside her head.

She pouted, but then pressed her whole body against his. He would not make her do it.

"Addison, there's no need to feel ashamed," he said, his voice husky. "You and me and Meredith, your two favorite dirty mistresses..."

"Mark, stop talking about Meredith." Addison panted with frustration.

"But you like it! And I like it too. Imagine that, Meredith, with her slim and tight body, all naked in front of you, kissing you, moving her hands all over your body and finding all the places that you love" he said and moved his cock just at her entrance.

"Mark, please... Please, Mark...," she moaned, her world in a hazy fog. She tried to move her hips to make him slip all the way inside, but he just moved away with a teasing smirk.

"Mark, I'm... I'm begging you." she said, hating herself again for saying that.

"Since you asked so nicely," he said, smirked, letting go of her arms to support himself better and thrust himself brutally all the way to the bottom. Addison cried out, she instinctively wrapped her legs around him, making him go as deep as possible.

"Imagine while I'm doing this...Meredith is here too...Kissing you...Kissing your breasts...Taking your whole breast in her mouth and sucking...," Mark said, clearly not giving up on the Meredith-part, even with his ragged breath that made the words come out in thrusts, not unlike the thrusting he was occupied with on another level. "Using her finger to caress you while I'm..." he said, and used his own finger as if to show her more closely what he meant.

"Yes..." Addison moaned, her pleasure increasing rapidly, getting her closer and closer to orgasm.

"You finger her...She is really wet and warm...All for you...Gorgeous woman..."

He continued talking, but she didn't hear any more because of the orgasm ripping her world apart, making her into a rigid bow up against Mark. Tightening around him, her toes curling, she could hear him interrupt himself and how his breath suddenly staggered and he pressed himself as deep as possible and emptied himself there, increasing her orgasm.

Eventually she was sent back to earth. Opening her eyes, first thing she saw was the ceiling and Mark's shoulder. He was laying on top of her, breathing heavily, still inside her too.

"Oh, gosh... Addie... You're so damn hot," he said, burying his face into her hair.

"Thank you... Again..." she breathed out, feeling completely satisfied.

~GA~

"We should probably talk about this," Mark said as he lay side by side with Addison minutes later, both of them staring at the ceiling.

"About what?" Addison yawned.

"About Meredith of course."

"Oh, Mark, no more, I have to go to work," she said and motioned to get out of bed.

"No, I didn't mean it that way...Just the talking part. Does she know how you feel?"

"I don't feel, okay?" she sighed.

"Addie, you're a bad liar."

"I'm not supposed to feel." She sat up and wrapped her arms around her legs. "I have never said I even felt. It's you who's putting all these thoughts inside my head. It's not fair. It's your fault."

"Get over yourself," he smirked. "We both know it's not about me at all."

She ignored him.

"Is she with Derek?" he said, only just realizing the possibility.

"I don't know" she mumbled.

"You don't know?"

"No, Mark, I don't. You never wondered who Derek cheated on me with?"

"Oh, yeah, right..." he sighed.

"I found a pair of black panties in the pocket of his suit. I haven't seen them together since, they've probably been a happy couple, having lots of sex that doesn't seem so dirty to them anymore," she rambled, feeling tears threatening to come out. "I mean, they probably have a relationship, and," she began crying, "and who knows how long they've been together without me knowing."

Mark took her in his arms and rocked her silently while she cried.

~GA~

In the end Addison managed to persuade Mark to head back to New York, he was another complication she just didn't need. Weeks passed by and all she could do was throw herself into work and avoid Meredith and Derek at all costs. She'd heard along the gossip line that they were 'dating'. Avoidance was something Addison became very good at. It wasn't until a month after Mark had left that she even acknowledged them talking quietly together as she headed towards Bailey.

"Dr Bailey, can I get...Oh, my god...," Addison interrupted herself, looking up to see Mark shaking hands with a board member and then the Chief.

She heard some another "Oh my god" from Derek, and then something about "McSteamy" from the interns. She didn't really care what they called him. This was making things even worse. It was already rough on her as it was with Derek and Meredith around her every day. Why did he have to be in Seattle too?

Later, she saw him talking to Derek and the Chief. She needed to talk to him and ask him what the hell he was doing there. He could've at least called her first.

Luckily, the Chief started walking up the stairs and Derek followed him like a dog, begging him for attention. He seemed furious about Mark's presence, which she couldn't blame him for.

With Derek occupied with barking at the Chief she went to talk to Mark.

"I thought you were going back to New York," she said accusingly to him.

"Thought it was time for a change." He smirked.

"You can't do this, you can't be here."

"Sure I can. Look, Addison, you don't have to worry. I won't tell anyone on you."

Addison sighed.

"Why do you think I'm here?" he said. "I'm here for work, I sold my practice and my apartment and I'm moving here."

Addison's eyes widened.

"I'm not going to tell on you," he repeated. "Your dirty fantasies are our little secret. And I'm up for sex and dirty talk whenever you want," he said moving a bit closer.

Addison crossed her arms. Then they heard Yang exclaim "Holy crap, are you pregnant?" when Meredith threw up into the trash can for the second time.

Addison sighed. Mark looked between her and Meredith. Derek walked down the stairs, probably going to his girlfriend as a knight in shining armor.

"An adulterous lovechild?" Addison said to him when he walked past her, letting her anger sipper through. She was disgusted by the mere thought of him touching Meredith, and knocking her up? That was just way out of the line.

"Goes along with an adulterous sociopath," he answered quickly without bothering to look at neither her nor Mark.

She decided that was the right time to leave.

~GA~

It wasn't an easy day at work, and she wasn't exactly in her game. Everything was moving too quickly around her, in ways that were way out of control. Splitting up with Derek, all the sex with Mark and then the fact that he actually was staying and not to forget the baby. Conceived god knows when. Meredith probably lied when she told her she wasn't sleeping with him.

"Since when did you "get out"?" Miranda said, without looking up from her computer, after Addison had been screamed at by a patient.

"Clearly I'm not myself today," Addison mumbled, resting her back against the wall.

"Never figured Mark Sloan to be your type," Miranda said meaningfully, still not looking at her. Addison on the other hand, gave her a puzzled look.

"He's not," she said, realizing it sounded like a bad lie, even though it was kind of the truth. Mark had been a good pain killer and a release. He got even better when he figured out her feelings for Meredith, and now it wasn't really about him, more about the fantasies he was able to hold up to her.

Miranda made a face, clearly not believing her.

"He's not," Addison repeated. "What is he doing here? He's not supposed to be here, I can't have him here. I can't!" Addison exclaimed, realizing that she was rambling and that Miranda was shaking her head at her, but she couldn't stop herself from continuing. "He's supposed to be in New York, I can't function with him... here... I'm a professional here, people respect me here, but when he's here I'm just, I'm…"

"You're just the woman that gets the hots for man candy and cheats on her husband."

"That is rude. And unkind," Addison made a pause, suddenly agreeing with Miranda. "And completely true... Oh my god, what am I gonna do?"

"For starters you can keep your knees closed in his presence."

"Miranda," Addison whispered in an offended way, furrowing her eyebrows.

"You asked. And also, you can remember that no man, not Derek, not Mark, defines who you are," she said and looked at her for the first time during this whole conversation before walking away.

Addison sighed.

~GA~

Later, walking past none other than Meredith Grey's hospital room, she heard her name being called. By no other than Meredith Grey of course. She silently swore to herself.

"You bellowed, Dr. Grey," Addison said while stepping into the room.

"Hi," Meredith said feebly. It was adorable. She was adorable. Even though she lied in a hospital bed with tubes stuck in her arm.

Addison hated having to talk to her.

"You certainly are, aren't you," she said more to herself than to Meredith and motioned with a finger for the nurse to give her her charts. Then the nurse left the room.

She let out a breath, looking at the charts, which told her that Meredith just needed her appendix to be removed. Feeling relieved she said "But you're not pregnant."

"No."

Addison looked at the woman on the bed, and then back to the charts, not wanting to show her her emotions.

"Are you okay?" Meredith asked.

Addison smacked the charts shut and pasted on a smile, clasping her hands together. "I'm fine!" she said. "How are you?" she asked and motioned toward her, then clasping her hands once again, trying to keep her mask on.

"I'm trying to choose between two men."

"Oh-kay," Addison said, not wanting to hear that. "Well, good luck with that," she said, took the chart and started walking out of the room.

"How did you know Derek was the one?" Meredith asked when she reached the door.

Addison turned around, wondering why this woman asked anything from her.

"Excuse me?"

"I know you hate me and all. You don't owe me anything. Nothing... No thing," she said with her drugged and slow voice. Addison looked around her shoulder and decided to talk to her. She put down the chart at the end of her bed again.

Addison pursed her lips together, looking at her. Thinking about her two guys. The rumor about her was that she was a whore. Yep. She might be the most heterosexual girl in the hospital, if that's what defines heterosexuality, she continued thinking, realizing that she might be a bit illogical.

"What was I saying?" Meredith asked her.

"Derek," Addison helped her reluctantly and gave her a fake smile.

"Right," Meredith said, clearly not catching up on her attitude. "I want him to be the one," Meredith said slowly. Addison's eyes widened, feeling her fantasies about her slipping away. She was Derek's. She loved Derek. It hurt to think the words, but it seemed to be the truth.

"But I'd know if he was the one right? You knew, right?"

Addison looked at her with sad eyes, her hard facade disappearing. She didn't want her to think about Derek. But here she was, lying in the bed, looking so adorable, with her hair flared around her, she just had to tell her the truth, even though the result might be that she becomes even more Derek's. She sighed in defeat and walked over to her to stand by the side of her bed.

"You don't," Addison said. "I didn't know, I just... Derek's the kind of guy... I just knew he wouldn't hurt me. Not on purpose anyway, not the way I hurt him."

"He hurt me, when he chose you. But I kind of understand why he did. You're pretty," Meredith said seriously, and Addison's eyebrows shot to the roof. "I mean, you are so classy and sexy and hot and classy... But me... I'm just me. How could I compete with that?" Meredith asked sincerely.

"Well I should've let him go. I should have stepped aside, been a better person I should have... A lot of things," she confided and looked at Meredith with repressed longing on her last words.

"Me too. A lot of things," Meredith answered, not catching up on her gaze because of the drugs.

"I don't hate you," Addison said, sounding surprised with herself. She lifted her hand to gently stroke Meredith on her cheek. "I'm sorry for hurting you, Meredith," she said slowly, while moving her thumb like a feather back and forth on the smooth skin.

"I'm sorry too," Meredith smiled broadly at her. "How come we've never talked like this before?"

Addison leaned a slightly bit closer, as if to tell her a secret and said "The only reason we're talking like this right now is because I know you won't remember a single word of this once the drugs wear off."

Meredith continued smiling and Addison leaned in and kissed her lips. Meredith responded and they kissed each other light and gentle, until Addison pulled back, taking a ragged breath. She drew her hand through her hair, and turned quickly away from Meredith as if to gather herself.

She then looked at Meredith again.

"Like I said, you won't remember this," she said, squeezed Meredith's hand and walked out of her room.

Outside she almost ran into Derek.

"Oh, hi Derek," Addison said, hoping that he couldn't see through her soul.

"Were you just talking to Meredith?"

"Yeah," Addison said calmly, reminding herself that he can't possibly know, and Meredith had probably already forgotten about it. She looked him directly in his eyes, holding back a smile.

"What?" Derek said, puzzled.

Her thoughts turned melancholic when she realized that he will be the one touching her. He was the one to hurt her, and now she'll probably choose him.

"Don't... Don't hurt her... again," she said.

The next moment Karev showed up.

"Are you planning to kill a woman? Nice work, doc," he said, referring to the woman who had told her to get out earlier that day.

They directly went into surgery, which went well. Cut, suture, out.

After the surgery, she was filling out some papers, while walking, and heard Mark saying her name. She looked up at him reluctantly, and then went back to her papers.

"Addison, can we talk?"

"I don't want you here Mark," she mumbled and then looked up at him. "But I'm getting that I'm not entirely clear. You have been great, but I don't need you here anymore. It's not about the dirty talk either, but you know that. So if you insist on staying just know that we're coworkers, and nothing more," she said and looked him firmly in the eyes. He looked down, clearly hurt.

She knew he had feelings for her. But she also knew that he knew that she didn't feel the same way.

And she was still a bit pissed at him for showing up at the hospital without telling her first.


	4. Rupture

_A/N: I'm gonna be crazily drown in school work from now on so I won't update as quickly as before. But reviews will speed me up! XD Enjoy!_

**I Don't Hate You**

_**Chapter 4: Rupture**_

"Derek says that neither of you brought any assets into the marriage," the lawyer said.

"Well, I have my trust fund," Addison told him. "And a sparkling personality... And the futon couch," she said and pointed cheekily at Derek.

"Yes, Addison had a very ugly, very heavy, futon couch," he told him and then looked at Addison with spite at the word "couch".

"Whatever happened to that couch?" she asked her soon to be ex-husband.

"We gave it to Mark. She can have him," Derek said, and Addison coughed and mumbled "I don't want him."

"Okay, well that's settled. What else?" Derek said.

"So, aside from Addison's trust fund, which remains in her name," the lawyer said, handing out documents to both of them, "we'll split everything stocks, bonds, 401K's down the middle. The only thing that gets complicated is the real estate."

"Let me make this simple. I'd like to keep my trailer and the land in Seattle, Addison can have the rest."

"Hold on," Addison said, lifting her finger.

"That is the house in Hampton's and the Brownstone over-looking central park," the lawyer said. "That's very generous, Dr. Shepherd."

"Thank you," Derek said.

"Hold on," Addison and emphasized her words a bit more this time. "You're up to something," Addison said, looking at him with scrutinizing eyes. "I came here to fight over CD's and books, go to war over a crystal vase. What are you up to, Derek?"

"The divorce is my fault. Let me take responsibility."

"We both had affairs," Addison said, leaning over the table.

"You had a one night stand with Mark," Derek said, looking down to the papers.

"Derek, actually... Well it was...," Addison tried to get out the words. The words of truth. But she had been holding back the truth for so long it felt only harder to actually pronounce them.

"Okay, it was two nights," Derek said quickly, not giving her time to actually form the sentence. "You made a mistake. Meredith and I, we had a relationship. Make these changes and I'll sign them today," Derek said with a final tone, handing over the documents to the lawyer.

~GA~

Addison paged Meredith, since she had her on her service. Feeling a bit nervous about the small possibility of her actually remembering their conversation and most importantly their kiss when she was drugged. She saw her standing talking to a nurse, asking for Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd, and she said "Dr Grey, welcome back."

"Thank you."

"And, uh, it's just Montgomery now."

"What?" Meredith said, and looked up at her with confused deer-like eyes.

"My name. The divorce was finalized this morning, so... Montgomery."

Meredith didn't say anything, her mind probably processing those facts and thinking about Derek... He probably hadn't even told her yet, which was a bit strange, but the thought about Derek and Meredith brought Addison back to thinking about Derek's hands on Meredith's body. It didn't stop being upsetting. She glanced at Meredith and saw that her mouth was still opened, looking a bit glazed. She decided it was best to change the subject.

"I've been asked to consult on a case where a woman has a foreign object stuck inside of her."

Inside the room, there was a couple, or ex-husband and wife apparently, stuck together in a sex position. Telling them about how they hooked up once in a while, even though they were divorced and she was with someone else. Meredith looked really uncomfortable and just like Addison, she associated the situation with themselves.

Awkward.

When Addison finally could wrap it up, giving Meredith some tasks, she left the room to do some other work-related things.

Walking down the corridor, while filling out some charts, Mark caught up with her.

"Hey!"

"Hey," she greeted him back, feeling more okay with his presence there.

"So, who got the Brownstone?" he asked her.

"You heard?"

"People talk around here, I listen. Who got the Brownstone?" he asked again.

"None of your business."

"I left my bike in the basement. I just wanna know who to talk to to get it back."

"Buy a new bike," she said dismissively.

"You know, this angry divorcee-thing really turns me on."

She stopped walking, and took a breath and counted to five. She turned around to face him.

"I got the Brownstone. And you'll get your bike back when you come to your senses and go back home."

"Derek took the Hampton's? Derek hates the Hampton's," Mark said and drew his own conclusion of Addison's expression. "Derek gave you the Hampton's too? He still doesn't know the whole story, does he?"

"No."

"And as long as you don't tell him you get to be the good guy and I'm just the chump who seduced his wife for the hell of it. Real fair."

Damn it.

She had to tell Derek. She had to. She could not keep quiet any longer. Mark was right, she was just lying and that it was unfair both to Mark and to Derek. Maybe to herself too?

"Derek."

"Hey, you know what I like?" he said happily. "I like that we're civilized. Who said grown-up people who're divorced couldn't be friendly? We deserve a medal," he added, still smiling but catching up on her not-smiling mood.

"It wasn't a one-night stand," she blurted.

"What?" he breathed, not even a trace of his previous smile left on his face.

"Mark and I, it wasn't a one-night stand. I was in love with him, or at least I thought I was. After you left we lived together for two months. I wanted to believe that we could make it work, that I hadn't thrown my marriage away, that I hadn't thrown my life away on a fling. But he's Mark, and, well... I caught him with someone else and... And then Richard called, so... We both had relationships with other people. We're both equally liable... for everything. So please, take the Brownstone."

"All I want is Seattle," he said coldly. "I want Seattle and I want never to see you again."

His words pierced her as if he'd shot her. He walked quickly away and she took a ragged breath, trying not to cry.

~GA~

Mark came into her office.

"Mark," she started before he even had time to say hello. "I told Derek. He now knows the whole story," she said, not sounding happy at all.

Mark didn't look up at her until after she named Derek. Now his eyes were looking at her with a penetrating gaze, almost like a scientist in the search for a cure for AIDS.

"Stop looking at me like that," she mumbled and took self-consciously off her glasses.

"Addison," he sighed, tilting up her chin and stroking her cheek gently with his thumb. "It was good that you told him. He didn't take it very well, huh?"

"Do you even have to ask?"

He pulled her into a hug.

"You don't have to feel guilty anymore," he said against the curve of her neck toward her shoulder when he felt her keep her stance rigid even though he hugged her.

When he let her go she wiped away a tear.

"Oh, Addie."

"Mark, I can't commit myself to you."

"Since when did I ask for commitment? All I'm saying," he said and got that naughty twinkle in his eye, "is that you have no reason to feel guilty. So... I'm all free to snack on without any guilt or other Derek-angst-related feelings. That's all I'm saying," he said, lifting his hands up in a playful defeat and backing away.

She closed her eyes and turned away. She needed to bring herself together.

When she opened her eyes Meredith stood in front of her. She jumped and let out a sound of surprise.

"Hi," Meredith said. "Sorry for scaring you."

"No worries. You just kinda... popped out of nowhere," Addison said and rose from her chair. How much had she heard? Oh no, it would be too embarrassing and awkward and everything if she had heard that stuff. Meredith did not need to know about Mark and all that baggage.

"What did you hear?" Addison asked as she realized her facial expression already had given her away.

"Nothing. I came looking for you, saw Sloan walking away and here I am."

"Is that so?"

"Yes."

Addison lifted an eyebrow.

"What reason do you have to doubt me, Addison?" Meredith asked, getting a bit angry, or maybe her pride was just hurt. "I haven't done anything wrong"

Her pride, hah... Addison hardly worried about Meredith's pride. If anyone's pride was hurt it was Addison's. Her own freaking pride. She definitely should go to some self-help meetings to make herself more selfish.

These confusing, sidetracked and angry thoughts made her even more irritated with Meredith. And Meredith, crossing her arms and shooting out her jaw a bit, wasn't far behind on the angry-side.

"You've done plenty" Addison finally answered with annoyance, she certainly had done her wrong. "But I guess, that's okay," she continued with deep irony, "since you slept with Derek during prom, when we still were married, did you forget that?"

"I didn't sleep with him," Meredith said, her eyes hard on Addison's, refusing to show any weakness.

"Okay, you fucked him," Addison said, pursing her lips.

"I didn't!" Meredith reacted, breaking out of her stance of passive aggression and almost sounded like her feelings were hurt.

"Then, was it just Derek's black panties I found in his pocket? Because I think I would have noticed if he was drawn toward the allures of being a drag queen."

"Can you just quit it with the irony! I shouldn't even have to explain myself to you. Yes, maybe I've done you wrong, but who are you really fooling? Did you really think it would work out between you and him?"

Addison backed away, not realizing she did it, but she felt she needed some distance between Meredith and herself.

"I did not have sex with him," Meredith concluded.

Was she serious? Why did she keep the lying going? The anger simmered up again.

"You little bitch," Addison said coldly and then raised her voice, "Why are you lying about it?"

"I can't believe you just called me that, you, whore!"

Addison gaped at her.

"I'm trying to tell you something, but I should just stop trying, because you're just calling me names!" Meredith continued, so angry she hardly got out her words in any sensible way.

Addison walked closer to her, a part of her brain saying that her behavior was beginning to be uncomfortably high-school or caveman-like.

"Oh please, like you're anyone to talk, if anyone here is a whore, it's you. And on top of that, also a lying whore."

"You know what? Fuck you!" Meredith said as if she'd walk out of there, but didn't seem to want to back down.

Addison walked even closer into Meredith's space, who kept her back straight. Addison went closer until Meredith lost her patient and shoved her away from her, making her stumble backwards.

Addison looked at the other woman with a mixture of amazement and fury when she saw how she pushed up her sleeves, as if getting ready for a dirty, redneck fight.

Addison knew she was raised as a better woman than this. She was a fine lady. But right in that moment, she didn't give a fucking damn about her upbringing or even who she was.

Attacking Meredith, they went into some kind of slap fight, which ended with Addison pushing her down to the small sofa she had in her office, but then Meredith decided to go with ugly, girly tricks, since her strength didn't help her win the thing.

"Ow, ow, ow!" Addison yelped when Meredith pulled her hair, turning her around, making her go down to the sofa too.

Addison was extremely sensitive when it came to someone pulling her hair, brushing her hair... or getting stuck in it in some way. It hurt like hell, to put it simply. She couldn't help it, but embarrassingly enough tears began rolling down her cheeks.

She had to make the pain stop. So she bit her in her shoulder. Meredith let out a whine of pain, and pulled away from her teeth and pulled harder on her hair.

Addison began wiggling like a fish on land, so Meredith straddled her and got hold of one of her hands, and the other one she used to pull a strand of hair closer to her face, trying to hold her still.

"Can you just stop it now already?" Meredith exclaimed, but in an exasperated way.

Addison relaxed for a moment. Meredith relaxed for a second, and during that second, Addison snapped and got her hand loose, brought them to Meredith's sides and flipped her over on the couch.

Meredith looked furious, her hair had gotten loose from its rubber band, and her cheeks were flustered. Addison didn't care anymore, and she leaned in and kissed her hard on her lips.

She pulled back, saw that Meredith now looked more confused and shocked than angry and also realized she was half-lying on top of her in between of her legs too.

She practically jumped off of her.

They breathed for a second or two, Addison had time to make a tour around the room while trying to make her brain function and to tell her what the hell had just happened there.

"What the hell is going on in here?" the chief's voice suddenly boomed through the room.

She hadn't even heard him come in.

"I don't like to yell, but I've heard that some people have heard screaming from your office, Addison!" he growled, his hands on his hips. "Have you been fighting?"

Addison couldn't make herself say anything.

"Uhm," Meredith said.

"I need a better explanation than that! Have you been fighting?"

"Uh," Addison said, at the same time realizing her hair was a complete mess and her clothes needed some correction, so she tugged at the end of her skirt before saying "I think we need to not work together."

"This is my hospital and I'm way older than you are so don't tell me what to do!"

"Okay, I'm sorry," Addison said, jerking back by his agitation.

"You are a board certified neonatal surgeon! I expect more of you than this!"

Addison looked down at her feet, at the same time realizing her shoes had fallen off during the fight. She looked up again and mumbled sorry, but he just shook his head and then turned to Meredith.

"You are on her" pointing at Addison "service until I say you're not."

Meredith gaped. "But you can't do that!"

Addison had lost her words. Catastrophe. But she couldn't make the word form itself in her mouth.

"I'm the Chief, I can do what I want," Richard concluded, then turned around, muttering something about surgeons fighting in his hospital.

Addison stared at the door. She felt dumb.

"Uhh, I should go," Meredith finally mumbled.

"Yeah," Addison agreed and Meredith was out of there before you could even think chick fight.

After she left Addison sank down on the couch they just had had there not so little quarrel on.

It felt as if all her air had left her lungs and left her there, thoughtless, emotionless and empty. Maybe she should admit herself. Most probably to the psych ward in that case.


	5. Mixed Emotions

**I Don't Hate You**

_**Chapter 5: Mixed Emotions**_

Eventually she had to work. She had some X-rays she needed to see over, gathered herself first, taking a long look into the small mirror she kept in her desk, fixed her hair and pulled a finger under her eyes, making any black mascara spots disappear.

With a straight back she walked through the hospital, seeing Karev standing in the hallway, talking to a patient.

"Karev."

"Dr. Montgomery," he said, seeming to be happy to see her, judging by how he smiled crookedly and kind of filled up his chest with more air.

"From now on you're off my service, and for what it's worth, I think you're going to miss me."

"But why?"

"You can go and seek out Sloan. Go do your plastics-thing. It's what you want," she added when he kept looking disappointed.

"But why?"

"Because I say so. You're free!" she said in a final kind of way and began walking out of there, leaving him with his confused, dorky facial expression. Poor guy.

Heading for the elevator Mark caught up with her.

"Stop following me, Mark," Addison mumbled, for the second time that day. It made her start to feel that he violated her privacy just by walking through corridors.

"I talked to Derek," he confided, ignoring her dissing attitude.

"Mhm."

"He's really pissed off," he continued, sounding like Derek had been really mean and actually hurt his feelings.

"Uh-huh."

"He said you're not my friend. Actually, that's all he said."

"Ah, sounds like Derek," she said absentmindedly, stopping in front of the elevator and pushed the button.

"Aren't you supposed to care? Comfort me? Aren't you supposed to provide with the talking and I provide with the sexing?" he urged as they walked into the elevator.

Addison began crying.

"What's going on?" Mark freaked, stopping the elevator. "Usually you would say something with you being really good a the sexing too, which you are, but not crying. Why crying?"

He didn't know how to cope with the situation, so he just kind of took a hold of her upper arms slightly, not hugging her or anything, but holding her, as if she was about to, or already was, falling.

"What happened? Come on, you can talk to me."

"Richard is mean," she complained like a five-year-old.

"Yes, he's the Chief, it's his job. Give me the real reason."

She stopped the heavy sobbing she had got going on and looked at him with big, tearful eyes.

"I kissed Meredith," she said, hearing herself that she sounded scared.

"You what?" he breathed, his hands falling off her, powerless.

She sniffled. "Well, first, we were screaming and then we began fighting... Oh my god... I'm such a redneck. Never-ever tell Archer about this," she told him. Her brother, who also used to be a good friend to Mark when they all were back in New York, would never let the thing go if he knew.

"And then you kissed her?"

"Yes."

Mark needed a couple of heartbeats to collect himself.

"What if you talked to Meredith?" he eventually suggested.

"Talk to Meredith? Are you kidding?" Addison repeated. "She's my ex-husband's girlfriend!"

He chuckled, but then stopped when he saw the way she looked at him.

"And Richard heard about the fighting and then ordered her to be on my service until he says she's not," she added breathlessly.

Mark dropped his jaw.

She rolled her eyes at him.

"So... Talk to Meredith. You don't have any other choice since you're going to be working with her."

"We can just keep everything to a work-related basis."

Now Mark was the one to roll his eyes.

"Seriously, Addison. Stop fooling yourself. You, seriously, should deal with this because, maybe you haven't thought about it, but you don't want to have sex with me. And I know that's not about me."

Addison looked at him with horrified eyes. He was right.

"Oh my god."

"Exactly," he agreed. "So, why don't you just ask Meredith about the kiss? Or I don't know, about Derek? And the fighting thing should be brought up too."

"I will definitely not talk about Derek with her," she said, raising her hands as if to push the mere idea from her. "That was what the fight started with."

Mark's face cracked up in a smile. "You jealous, dirty woman!"

"Shut up."

"It sounds pretty hot in my head, but, how come you kissed her? I mean, if you were fighting?"

Addison groaned.

"We got kind of violent..."

"Ah?"

"I bit her!"

"You... wow..."

"No! Not in that way!"

"But why?"

"She pulled my hair."

"Oh," he just said, directly understanding the severity of the event.

"Yeah," she agreed, and then cupped her face in her hands. "Oh my god, I'm so ashamed. How the hell am I supposed to look into her eyes after this? I fought with her... as if we were in high school... and then I kissed her. I mean, what the hell was that about?"

"Stop freaking out and get yourself together. You can do this."

Addison looked at him with serious doubt in her tearful eyes.

"You can. Do this," Mark emphasized. He then sighed and began smudging away the make up that had succeeded to crawl both on top of and under her eyes. "This is so gay. Don't ever tell anyone I did this."

Addison managed to laugh.

He kissed her softly on her lips. When she opened her eyes she understood that he was letting her go. Usually his kisses were full of urgent hunger, this kiss was like a goodbye, a kiss of acceptance. He gently stroked her cheek with his thumb and smiled sadly at her.

"You know I will always be here for you."

"Thank you," she said and threw her arms around him and hugged him tightly.

~GA~

When she met Meredith the next morning in the hallway outside of the room of the patient they were going to visit, she had the exact same look on her face like the time when Addison had requested her specifically when she had newly arrived to SGH.

"Let's not make this awkward, okay?" Addison said, not even bothering to smile to try to lighten up the stiff atmosphere.

"I went out with Derek," Meredith said.

Addison couldn't help but frown.

"Last night, I went out with Derek," Meredith repeated, as if she thought she hadn't heard what she said the first time.

"Yeah, you said," Addison said huffily.

"Yeah, so, now you know."

"Why do you even think I'd want to know?"

Meredith shrugged.

Addison shook her head. "Let's just work," she sighed and opened the door.

"The patient is a 22 year old female, Maya Wilkins. She's 26 weeks pregnant, hospitalized four weeks ago after a car accident. Has had brain surgery and is now in a medically induced coma until the swelling of the brain has gone down," Addison presented with absolutely no feeling at all.

Meredith just nodded.

Addison looked at the chart.

"Both the baby and the patient are stable...Derek did a good job," she added reluctantly.

"You know I was in on the surgery," Meredith said matter-of-factly.

"Of course you were," Addison mumbled.

Addison hadn't been there because she had had an even more critical surgery to tend to during that time.

"Okay, Meredith, you are with me today so you are supposed to monitor the baby, and if there's any changes, you page me."

"Like I don't know that."

"You don't have to have that tone with me."

"Likewise."

Addison drew a breath, preparing a comment that would make Meredith's refractory behavior crumble to the floor. But someone unknown barged in through the door in that moment. Maybe that was for the best.

"She won't wake up?" the unknown woman asked. It was easy to tell that she had been crying.

"Who are you?" Addison said, trying to make the words come out in a soft and caring way.

"I'm her best friend. Jana. I couldn't come here before. I heard about the accident. Is she okay? Is the baby okay?"

"Why won't you sit down?" Addison offered and motioned to the chair at the side of the patient's bed.

Seated, she took her friend's hand and said "I love her. I always have. And now she might not wake up?"

"Jana, I know this is hard for you. She's in a medically induced coma, to permit her body to rest while the swelling of the brain goes down. Of course, there's always a risk of her not waking up, but all we can do now is wait."

Jana nodded and then said "She came to me, after she had broken up with Howard. We are best friends... But we're more than that," she said and stroked the sleeping Maya over her hair. "I just..." She retreated her hand and wiped her tears. "I wish I had been brave enough, when we had time."

"But you are brave, you've been very brave," Meredith said, as if she knew anything.

"No, you don't understand. How could you? I bet you both are married and thinking about kids and all that normal stuff, but me... I'm just for Maya. Maya is everything to me." She leaned in and kissed her lips, and then started crying heavily on her chest.

Addison stroked her soothingly on her back, but inside, she was shocked.

"I just wish I had told her. I wish I had dared to tell her how I feel or just kiss her and see how she would react. I'm so stupid. Now all my life seems like such a waste if she won't wake up..."

Addison continued stroking her back.

"Be patient Jana. There's still hope."

"I was going to help her with the baby, we were going to take care of it together. We've been thinking about baby-names. What will I do if she won't wake up?"

~GA~

Addison went to the nurse's station to fill out some paperwork. But when she looked at the papers, they all looked blurry, even with her reading glasses on. She just couldn't concentrate at all.

She was thinking about what Mark said about talking to Meredith and then about Jana and Maya. What if she never would be able to get over Meredith? Maybe she should just rip off the band-aid...

"Hey," Yang suddenly said standing by her side.

"Hi," Addison said, frowning at her, feeling confused by her presence.

"So, I know this isn't any of my business, but I think you should talk to Meredith," Cristina started out and Addison sighed, crossing her arms. "I know what you think, that I'm interfering and all, and that you have a beef with Mer, sure, I get that, but I've had it to here with her bitching and whining about it so can't you just talk to her?"

Addison continued to frown at her. What had Meredith said?

"If you don't want to do it for her, do it for me. Please. Seriously," Yang said.

"What has she said?"

"You know, she's my person, so I probably know everything, but I can't know what I don't know right?"

"To the point, Yang."

"If you just talk to her, I'll freaking buy you coffee."

"Oh, must be important then," Addison said sarcastically.

"You know what? I'll buy you coffee every day for a month."

Addison laughed. "I don't need your coffee, Yang. What do you want me to say to Grey and why? She hates me, why would I even start a conversation with her?"

"She doesn't hate you, she's just complicated," she said, looking at her pager. "I have to rush, but please just talk to her? Bye," Yang said before she sort of ran-walked out of there.

~GA~

Addison decided to page Meredith to come to her office. Get it over with.

"You paged me?" she asked, a bit suspiciously or nervously or both.

"Yes," Addison said and stood up. "Here it goes. I'm sorry." Meredith lifted her eyebrows. "I'm sorry about yesterday. Can't we just... forget about it?"

"How am I supposed to forget about it?"

"Start on a clean slate?" Addison suggested.

"But how? You freaking kissed me, Addison. How am I supposed to let that go?"

"So you're thinking about that?" Addison mumbled. "Not the fighting part?"

"Yeah, that was annoying too. But mostly that you can't even listen to me when I'm telling you something important. ...And that you... uhm, that you kissed me."

Defeated Addison sat down on her chair again, suddenly feeling out of breath.

"I'm sorry, about that to," she said without looking at her.

"Will you listen to me this time?"

"Yes," she answered clearly. "Have a seat if you want," she mumbled, motioning toward the sofa they had had the most part of their chick-fight on.

Meredith sat down, putting her hands under her thighs by some reason. Maybe she was cold. She needed to focus, so she made herself look at Meredith's eyes and nothing else.

"About the panties."

"What about them?" Addison said, leaning back in her chair, having collected herself some.

"How much detail do you want?"

Addison hesitated.

"Okay, I'll skip the nasty details," Meredith said. "So, we were dancing at prom, you with Derek and I with Finn. But Derek couldn't stop looking at me, in this really suffocating way. I just knew he would follow me when I left. And he did. I ran and I couldn't breath. One part of me wanted him to follow, but also I wanted him to leave me alone. I went into an examine room where he said he just wanted to make sure I was alright. I told him that I wasn't, in a screaming kind of way. I said, are you satisfied? I'm not alright, because you have a wife and you call me a whore-"

"He called you a whore?" Addison interrupted.

"Yes. Just let me tell you this and you can react later, okay?" she said and Addison nodded. "Where was I?"

"Whore."

"Oh, right... So I said, our dog died, and now you're looking at me. Stop looking at me, I told him, and he said I'm not looking at you, while he still was looking at me in that particular way that made me suffocate. He raised his voice, telling me again he wasn't looking at me, started moving closer to me and we circled the examination bed. I said, you are looking at me, and you watch me, and Finn has plans! You have Addison, and we all are trying here to be happy, and I can't breathe with you looking at me like that, so just stop!"

"Wow, you really memorized the whole thing," Addison said, smiling crookedly.

"I've been thinking a lot about this. Here's the crust of the whole pie. Derek then said do you think I want to look at you? That I wouldn't rather be looking at my wife? I'm married, I have responsibilities," she quoted with ardor and Addison's smile faded, she couldn't help but feel hurt about how Derek had felt about her and Meredith and it all. "Then he said she doesn't drive me crazy, she doesn't make it impossible for me to feel normal, she doesn't make me sick to my stomach thinking about my veterinarian touching her with his hands! Man, I would give anything not to be looking at you. During the time when he said this I had turned away from him and he sneaked up behind me... and then... I turned around," she groaned.

"Is this the part where I don't want to hear the details?"

"No, it's fine. He kissed me," Meredith said and Addison made a grimace. "Oh, come on, that wasn't too bad!" Meredith said.

"No, okay, you're right. I'll handle it," Addison said, bracing herself.

"He kissed me, and I kissed him back. All the emotions made my head spin. I put my arms around his neck and he touched me, and kissed me, and then he pulled off my panties. This was when I realized I wasn't thinking about him at all."

"You weren't?" Addison grimaced.

"No, I wasn't," Meredith said. "But most of all I realized I didn't want to. And what sane person would want to get screwed by this guy who calls you a whore?"

"Good point," Addison said through clenched teeth. "But, if that's the case, why did you kiss him back in the first place?"

"Mixed emotions," she said and waved it away, like it wasn't really important. "So I broke free from the kiss and I told him to stop. He just breathed why and continued, kissing my neck. I tried to push him away and stand up while I told him to stop again, but with more force that time. He backed away, but only a couple of inches, so he hadn't really let me go. He asked me why again and I say I didn't want to, and told him to stop. He said come on, and tried to kiss me again but I pushed him and he backed away. He looked really hurt and said he wanted to know why. It seemed to be the only thing he could say. Why."

"What did you say?" Addison whispered, leaning forward, the story had completely absorbed her.

"I said I didn't want to do that to you."

"To me? Why me?" Addison breathed, realizing her mouth hung open like a goldfish and quickly closed it again. "And why didn't you want to do that to me?"

"Of course he said why again, but frowning even more this time," Meredith continued, ignoring Addison's questions. "I said that it isn't right, that I didn't feel like doing it like that."

"But why?" Addison asked.

Meredith rose to her feet. "It's you," she said simply.

"Me?"

"Yeah, I like you," Meredith mumbled.

"But... But why me?" Addison breathed, starting to let herself realize that she wasn't the only one with feelings.

"Do you seriously think I know?" she answered in a bit agitated way. "Anyway, after...," Meredith stopped herself and drew a quick breath for courage, "after our lunch date, I... you know in the car. You took off my pants with your see-through shirt half-open," she said, kind of accusingly. "I... It confused me. I didn't know what I felt."

"Confused you... What you felt..." Addison frowned on the passive tense. "How about now?" she asked, rising to her feet and walking closer to Meredith.

"I don't know," Meredith sighed.

"You said you went out with Derek?"

"Yes, I did. I thought that maybe if I could give him a chance... Maybe I could fall in love with him again and forget about all these confused feelings I have... for you..."

"Did it work?" Addison breathed. Now they only had a half arm length between them.

"I don't know," Meredith whispered, her eyes flickering to Addison's lips.

"You don't know?" Addison repeated in a barely audible breath and they both leaned in for a kiss.

This kiss was not at all as their previous kiss, this was tender, questioning and unsure. But very sweet. Addison wrapped her arms around Meredith. It was exciting, every nerve in her body was tingling by the touch. Meredith's hands trailed around her waist, up her shoulder blades, and then cupped her jaw lightly, making them separate. She looked sadly into her eyes.

"Meredith," Addison whispered, why she did that, she had no idea, she just had to say her name.

They leaned their foreheads together for a moment.

"I don't know if I can do this," Meredith said, she let her go and walked out of the office.

Addison stared at the door where Meredith had just disappeared out of.

"What the hell?" she said to herself.


	6. How the Vikings Do It

**I Don't Hate You**

_**Chapter 6: How the Vikings Do It**_

When they were working together later Meredith was avoiding meeting her eyes. She tried to get her alone to talk to her, but she dodged her all the time. She didn't know what to think, what to make out of this mess.

After work she looked up the chef she and Meredith had met. Actually, she went to the restaurant and asked for him.

He was pleased to see her.

"Doctor!" he greeted her and motioned her to sit down. "Do you want something to eat, drink?" he offered.

"No thank you, actually, Mr. Stark-"

"Please call me Lars," he smiled warmly.

"Okay, Lars. I don't really know why I came, really... I guess I just want some help, because I'm feeling really, strangely, confused right now, and I just thought that you seemed to have a sharp eye..."

"Tell me," he said, putting his fingertips together on the table.

"You know Meredith."

"How could I forget?" he smiled. "We have many different couples who come in here. Tell me your problem?"

"Well... We're not a couple."

"Not pronounced maybe," he said simply.

She just regarded him. Pondering if she'd dare to confide in him or not.

"What is she to you then?" he urged.

"Complicated. We met when I came to Seattle to work. She was having an affair with my husband."

"But you have no ring," Lars said, but he didn't seem surprised.

"We're divorced now. And she's dating him now, I think," she said, almost rambling.

"You think?" he asked, not seeming to surprised about this development, as if their situation used to happen all the time.

"Yeah, she didn't really tell me. But I think Derek must really love her...," she said absentmindedly, thinking about what Meredith told her and putting the pieces together. With everything Derek had said, he had just let her assume that they had had sex, when that wasn't the case. He had wanted to be free from Addison to start something real with Meredith.

"I think she must really want to love him," Addison added.

"So, what did you want my help with?"

"I don't know what to think about this mess. It's so complicated! Meredith and I, we had a fight, mostly about Derek I think, and then I kissed her and then we had this talk when she told me she hadn't slept with him during our marriage after all, even if that was what he had made me think. Then I kissed her or she kissed me, I don't know, but it doesn't matter, because then she just said I don't know if I can do this and she left. She's been avoiding me since."

"Aha..."

"What should I do?"

"You fight like a viking."

"Come on, Lars," she begged.

"You already said it yourself. She didn't say she didn't want to, she said she didn't know if she could."

"Yeah, so?"

"So, she obviously wants you, to have you, but she's scared."

"She's scared?"

"She's scared."

"That's all?"

"Pretty much. She's out of her comfort zone with you. It's not easy. And now she probably needs to break it off with this Derek-guy of yours. It's hard. But it's simple. So, that's why I say, fight like a viking, have some guts and show her that you have it under control, that you know what you want and that she has nothing to be afraid for."

"Thanks," she said, feeling a bit like she'd been consulting a fortune teller. "You're right."

~GA~

She took the elevator to her floor and Izzie Stevens joined her.

"Good morning, Stevens."

"Morning."

"Have you seen Grey?"

"Uhm, yeah, she's here, but I don't know where she's now. I think she's on your husband's service today."

"Ex-husband," Addison corrected her, frowning, which made Stevens interpret it as she was offended by the miss-up she did on their marital situation.

"I'm sorry," Stevens said.

"No, no, don't be, it's okay. Uhm... Do you know if they are in surgery?"

"No, you should check the board," she said and went off.

Addison sighed and leaned against the elevator wall. This wasn't good at all. Meredith was assigned to be on her service all the time. Not on Derek's... What did that mean? What did they do?

When she went off the elevator a nurse gave her a perplexed look. Her mask of sanity and normality didn't seem to be quite intact.

Checking the board she saw that Derek wasn't on the board until three. Meredith wasn't on it.

Then why had Izzie said that?

She decided to let it go for the moment and went to the coffee room the attendings and the older residents shared.

"Hey, Callie," Addison greeted the girl who she thought could become her friend one day.

She was eating some cereal while reading a magazine.

"Hi, Addie. What's up?" she said.

"Nothing," she smiled. "Have you seen Dr. Grey?"

"No, why?"

"The Chief made me have her on my service..."

"Didn't you already torment Karev?"

"Yeah, maybe I was so good at the tormenting that he thought I needed to torment her too," she lied while she filled a bowl with some cereal. It's not a good way to start off a friendship with lies... But sometimes it's easier to lie. Of course... It could make everything go to crap as well, like with Mark, but that was another issue.

Callie laughed, not seeing the lie, and went back to her magazine. Addison found a newspaper and read it while she ate.

Then Mark came in. Hot as always. He went straight for the coffee. When Addison looked back she saw how Callie looked at him, in the same way, but even dirtier. She turned back to Mark. Huh, so they had had sex. Strangely enough, Addison didn't care. It just amused her.

Mark didn't seem to want to stay there with them so he left after taking his coffee and soon after Callie left to, because her pager went off.

Sitting alone she was startled when Derek came in with a very, very happy "Hey, hey, hey! Good morning Addison!"

She turned around and looked at him with scrutinizing eyes. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"It's a greeting," he said, pouring coffee into a mug. "It's used in civilized cultures by their civilized inhabitants," he shone at her.

She pointed at him, still frowning. "You're smiling."

"It's called happiness. I understand why you wouldn't recognize it," he said on his way out.

"Whoa, whoa- Wait, wait, wait," she said, scrambling to her feet and taking off her glasses at the same time, following him out. "We are uh... being mature about this?"

"Yes, we are going to peacefully co-exist in this hospital, unless you've reconsidered moving back to New York."

She grunted.

"Okay then, we are going to peacefully co-exist."

"Interesting," she smiled.

"Yes, we're adults, we're educated and I think we are capable of many, many things. Come on, let's shake on it," he said and she lifted her eyebrows.

"You're a very strange person, Derek," she said as he took her hand in his and shook it.

"I'm just bright and shiny," he smiled.

"Huh... Since we're going to be civilized," she began. "Can I ask you, how things are going with you and Meredith?" she asked as pleasantly as possible. His smile faded. "Or was that none of my business?"

"Yes, it's none of your business," he said curtly.

Addison wouldn't let herself fold. "But judging by your very handsome happiness," she said and crossed her legs slowly. He followed her legs with his gaze, "you seem to have gotten through with her," she said and let her hair fall off her shoulder, exposing her neck.

"What are you doing Addison?"

"What? I'm asking a civilized question."

"Flattery won't take you anywhere with me. Not anymore," he said and patted her head, smiling broadly again.

"Strange, Derek, you're very strange...," she said after him. He just laughed.

Okay... That kind of answered her question. Kind of. Now she just needed Meredith to confirm it. But she couldn't believe Meredith would choose Derek. If she did, she was just chasing some kind of dream of hers. Or just escaping reality.

"Dr. Montgomery," Karev suddenly said behind her.

She turned around.

"Hi," she said and smiled.

"So, I was just wondering if I can get back to your service again..."

"You miss neonatal or is it just me?"

"I don't know... Both... And Sloan sucks, he just makes me fetch his dry-cleaning and buy him coffee," he complained.

"So now you come running to me? Hah, told you you were going to miss me."

"Come on, Addison..."

"Addison?" she frowned, why wasn't he calling her Dr. Montgomery?

He sighed and grabbed a hold of her upper arm and dragged her into an on-call room.

"What are you doing?" she inquired.

"I want you to take me back."

"I can't. The Chief made me take Grey instead."

"Undo it then. The Chief likes you, he'll do it for you if you want to. And I miss you," he said. "I also like neonatal," he said, leaning closer. He still had his hand on her arm and now he moved it up to stroke away hair that had fallen against her shoulder.

"You don't say?" she breathed.

His hand softly cupped her neck and he leaned in and kissed her. Caught up in the moment, all she could think was "oh what the hell" and "go with it." She needed sex and it felt good to loosen up the knot she had in her stomach because of Meredith.

Therefore, she didn't resist when he pulled off her lab coat off her shoulders. He quickly pulled off his scrub shirt and smoothly pushed her onto the bed. She was wearing a simple black dress under the lab coat and he had to lift her up to find the zipper on her back and pull it down.

While free of clothing Alex quickly put on a condom and then spent all his attention to her. He was hungry, frustrated but still sweet. Sweeter than Mark who could be kind of rough. It felt good, it did, to be kissed and petted by Alex. But... she couldn't help that her attention drifted all the time. Like comparing him to Mark, what was that?

"Oh, Addie," he moaned, going down on her neck and probably creating some red spots she didn't want to have.

She realized she focused on making the right moans at the right places, adjusting herself under him so it would be more comfortable, but it never felt right. Never the ecstatic sensation of awesome sex.

He changed his position a bit so she was in clear view of her face. Her face? She meant his face. She closed her eyes and her brain immediately imagined having Meredith on top of her instead of Karev.

This was wrong. So wrong.

She opened her eyes and said "Stop."

"What?" he said, kept going, but slowed down a bit.

"I said stop it, Karev. Get off me," she said, slightly pushing him on his chest.

He looked genuinely hurt and did what she said.

"But why?" he asked and they both sat up.

She pulled her knees to her chest and didn't answer.

"Are you sure you don't want to?" he asked and she nodded.

"I kind of deserve to know why, don't you think?" he asked again, beginning to pull back his clothes.

"It's complicated," she just said. She didn't know what else to said.

He rolled his eyes. She couldn't blame him.

He was almost fully dressed when he looked at her again and then he said, with an annoyed tone of voice "Stop moping around. If you want to, you want to, and if you don't you don't. It's simple. Now get your clothes back on," he said and threw her dress at her.

He was a good guy, Alex.

~GA~

Derek paged her and told her that they would have the last brain surgery of Maya Wilkins, the girl with the medically induced coma. Addison needed to monitor the fetus while Derek put the skullcap back on. The brain had stopped swelling and shrunk back to its normal size.

Addison paged Meredith, telling her that she'd scrub in.

She braced herself for enduring Derek and Meredith, the happy couple, in the same room. And she actually got really happy when she noticed that Meredith didn't share the strange happiness with Derek.

"You ready?" she asked her as they were both scrubbing themselves between their fingers and then up their elbows to not miss one dirty spot.

"Yeah."

They didn't speak more than that, otherwise saying the necessary things needed to be said during surgery.

When Derek was almost done with the reattachment of the skullcap, the baby went into fetal distress.

"I have to do a Caesarian," she announced.

She noticed that Meredith was more interested in the things Derek was occupying himself with rather than Addison's area, but it got to her attention when the baby was on its way out of the womb.

A tiny, very premature baby boy met Addison in silence. Both the baby and the mom lived, but the baby would be in a critical state for a couple of weeks more and she'd do everything she could to save him.

Later she was sitting with the baby, letting it hold her finger with its tiny hand. Preemies always made her feel melancholic.

Meredith came silently into the room.

"Hi," Addison said and got just a nod back. She came to stand by Addison's side by the preemie.

"He's got a good grip," Meredith said.

"Yes, he does."

There was a small silence.

"I've been avoiding you," Meredith suddenly said.

"I've noticed. Kind of hard to do when we're working together."

"Yeah..."

Silence again.

Meredith looked at her, bit her lip. Looked away, and peeked back at her.

"Just tell me," Addison said, keeping her eyes at the preemie.

"I don't know what's happening to me."

Addison looked at her, letting go of the preemie. It looked as if she was about to cry and she got to her feet to be closer to her. It had become like a need to be close to her, to look at her, smell her and feel her.

"Meredith," she said softly and raised her hand to stroke her cheek, but she flinched back slightly.

Meredith avoided her gaze, pressing her lips stubbornly together. Addison let her arm drop and waited for her to say something.

"What am I going to do?" she asked and began to pace in the room.

"About what?"

Meredith gave her a glare, but didn't answer. Addison took the matter in her own hands.

"About the fact that you told me you have feelings for me, or maybe about the fact that you kissed me and then just left, been avoiding me since and I don't know, took Derek back? Derek who called you a whore and who's now acting disturbingly happy. I wonder why that is," she said sarcastically.

"Stop acting so jealous," Meredith hissed.

Addison crossed her arms. "Well, what do you want me to say then? Do you even know why you're doing what you're doing?" she said calmly, but icy.

"We're not fighting again," Meredith said.

"What do you want then? What do you want from me, Mer?" Addison asked frustratedly.

"I want you gone."

"Why, thank you, everyone just seems to want Addison out of Seattle."

"No, not like that. It's just, even when you're not here. You're everywhere. Freaking, everywhere... I can't think, I can't speak, I can't feel without having you in my head and I just want you out!" she said desperately, pacing quicker around in the room, making big gestures with her arms. "It's wrong. I have Derek and he's great, because he's Derek and so sweet and agreeing on waiting with the sex," she said a bit more softly but with a huge cling of desperation. "But I know I'm waiting for all the wrong reasons. It's not fair on him, and I've started thinking that, that it's not fair on me either."

Meredith stopped. Sighed and let her arms fall down her sides. Turning away from Addison to hide the tears that had begun to fill up in her eyes.

"I wish it just would stop," she said.

"What?" Addison asked softly, walking up to her and stroked away the hair that had fallen in the way of her face, putting it in place behind her ear.

Meredith looked at her.

"You. Just stop."

"I'm not doing anything."

"That's not the point."

She cupped her face in her hands and stroked away a tear that had slipped away from her eye with her thumb. Meredith didn't flinch, she didn't even seem to blink, her eyes fully focused on Addison.

"What if we can't do anything to stop it?" Addison whispered slowly.

"That's what I fear," she whispered back.

They had a moment when they motionlessly looked at each other. Then Addison leaned slowly in, hesitating, but Meredith kept passive and let her kiss her. Her arms fell lifelessly by her sides, and she let out a small moan.

Then something changed, Meredith changed from being passive to suddenly gasp and threw her arms around her, kissing her passionately. Her fingers entangled in her hair, one finding her neck and the other found the way through Addison's scrubs, sending shock waves through her body as her hand touched her skin, going from her stomach to hurriedly finding her breast. Addison groaned, pressed her as close as possible to her body and bit her slightly on her lip, sucking on it. Trying to keep her even closer even if it'd be just for a second.

Addison's grip around her lip got loose and Meredith began placing kisses down her neck, nibbling on her earlobe and it just became too much when she felt her warm breath touch the spot right under her ear. She needed her naked. It wasn't like a normal sex-wish, it was a real need, like a life or death need. She needed to be naked with her now.


	7. Call It A Thing

**I Don't Hate You**

_**Chapter 7: Call It A Thing**_

...She needed her naked. It wasn't like a normal sex-wish, it was a real need, like a life or death need. She needed to be naked with her now.

And she began looking for somewhere to be naked, and fast, but they were in a room with preemies at the neonatal ward. Which she had completely forgot too.

"Meredith," she managed to moan between the kisses "We need to go somewhere."

"Like where?" Meredith asked, her hands moving across her hips, seeming to want to peruse every inch of her anatomy.

"Babies. Not around babies," Addison said, lifting her gaze around the ceiling, feeling lightheaded.

"Okay...On-call room," Meredith said succinctly, not seeming to be able to or simply not bothering to use complete phrases.

"Okay," Addison agreed, pulling Meredith to her closer for a last kiss before they'd had to part for about two minutes or something. It felt like longer. She slipped her tongue inside her mouth and Meredith moaned again, her knees bending under her. Their breath, their tongues, even their heart beats seemed to intertwine.

It was time to stop before they'd do things on the floor in a baby-room.

They found each others hands, clasped them together and did some kind of strange pushing against each other, keeping their lips locked together. They broke the kiss, looking at each other, panting, their eyes glassy, their cheeks blushing and with hair on end.

They continued to stare at each other, until Meredith snapped out of it and began to flatten down Addison's hair. Addison did the same for Meredith.

"Okay?"

"Okay."

The corridor had never seemed so long. It felt as if everyone was staring at them, as if everyone, every nurse and every doctor could see what they just did and what intentions they have. They just had to see the electricity, no, nuclear radiation that was going on between them.

They were drawn together and couldn't walk normally ever again. Crippled. Their hands sometimes bumped into each other as if they had their own will, they wanted to touch as much as the rest of their bodies wanted to.

The on-call door could as much have been the gates to heaven. It shone at them like the goal for the marathon runner. Their barely two-minute walk had been longer and taken more energy than what a real marathon would.

Addison pushed the door open.

"Thank god, it's empty," she breathed and Meredith glanced across her shoulder before she slipped in through the door to, closing it quickly and locking it.

Addison let her arm slide around Meredith's waist, the other one cupped her breast and lips found lips. She nibbled on her ear, moving her lips to her neck, kissing her way to the small hollow between her collar bones. Meredith moaned by the tender, yet held backed treatment.

Addison felt Meredith's hands grab her arms tightly, and pushed her onto the bed, letting out a mischievous laugh. Addison watched her as she swiftly pulled off her scrub shirt and the green shirt she wore under it.

"Just come here you," Addison said as she thought Meredith was beginning to take too much time for getting down on the bed.

As she came closer Addison grabbed her by her waist and swooped her close to her. Chest against chest, their noses rubbed against each other, their legs immediately intertwining and their lips met to let tongues touch. Breathing heavily, gasping into each other's mouths, suddenly very hurried to rip off their clothes, and they didn't hold back anything anymore.

Addison straddled Meredith, both of them were completely naked, she bent down to the other woman, kissing her way from her neck, to the valley of her breasts, following the small line which went down to her belly button. Stopping. Putting her hand just below her belly, Meredith's hips bucked. She was eager.

"Don't stop," Meredith told her urgently.

Addison looked at her teasingly. "Are you sure you don't want to talk instead?"

"Screw the talking!" Meredith growled as a response, which made Addison chuckle, before beginning to place kisses around her hips, creating a trail of kisses to her thighs, her inner thighs, making her way closer and closer to the parts she knew Meredith wished the most for her to kiss.

Meredith groaned. "Stop being so mean," she said. "I'm starting to get why they call you Satan."

Addison chuckled and then said innocently "I thought you didn't want to talk?" at the same time as she let her fingers graze her lips, causing Meredith to make an completely incoherent answer, and then sunk into them.

She was really wet, Addison noticed with content and some surprise, and confused herself with feeling that way, since she was a vagina doctor after all. She should know all about vaginas.

This thought fell out of her mind immediately as Meredith pushed herself against her fingers, a silent begging for more. She moved her fingers from her clit, reached out to touch her breast with her free hand and then let two fingers enter Meredith.

She found her G-spot, which she noticed mostly because Meredith squealed a bit too loudly, putting her fist inside her mouth, seeming to bite on her knuckles.

Addison kissed, licked and sucked on Meredith's thighs as she caressed her on the same time, teasing her just a little bit more, until she kissed the part where Meredith's whole being wanted her to kiss.

She licked and sucked on her clit, completely improvising since she never done this before, but she followed the responses Meredith gave, and found quickly a rhythm, making the younger woman's hips buck almost violently. She went back up to kiss her lips, making her taste herself. Meredith's fingers found Addison's opening too, and they touched each other, while keeping the other one's gaze, fascinated by how the other responded. Their legs locked together and without noticing they began taking synchronized, ragged breaths.

Just as Addison was about to reach her climax, she couldn't help but moan loudly, Meredith suddenly pushed her onto her back and let both of her hands graze her anatomy, leaving a wet trail from one of her hands. Then she silently parted her legs, looking at her with darkened eyes.

Instead of playing a game of tease she went straight to the point, and Addison was grateful she did. She involuntarily let out a "oh god!" and grabbed Meredith's hair as she licked her, making swiveling circles that made Addison's complete world spin, not anymore entirely sure what was up or down anymore, if there was any gravity at all.

Then Meredith added fingers into the picture – the number of them or even if there was more than one, she had no idea – and found her G-spot at the same time as she sucked on her clit. This was far too much for Addison than she could handle, reason with or even try to keep her feet on the ground. She screamed, her body convulsing with every wave of her orgasm.

When she came back to earth she realized she almost had suffocated Meredith by involuntarily squeezing her legs together, but she just smiled, let Addison breath for a moment and realize that gravity still existed on planet earth before it was Meredith's turn to reach her skies.

Afterward, Addison was unsure if she'd dare to snuggle her a bit, but then Meredith answered her silent wondering by pulling her arms around her into some spooning. It felt very good.

They stayed like that for a moment until Meredith spoke.

"What did we just do?"

Addison turned around so they could face each other, putting their foreheads together and linking their legs.

"I think you know," she whispered and took her hands in hers, stroking her palm with her thumb. "Will you be ignoring me in elevators?"

"No," Meredith smiled. "Will you be ignoring _me_ in elevators?"

"Not if you don't want me to."

"I don't want us to ignore each other. But... This is just so strange, how did this happen? Seriously?" Meredith rambled.

"I think you know how," Addison answered, let go of her hands to be able to make some trails on her body with her fingertips.

Meredith rolled her eyes and then shivered by the touch. "I know that you are gorgeous on so many different levels. Some of them newly discovered... But what I don't understand is how someone like you can like someone like me," she finished a bit insecurely.

"Aw, how cute," Addison said and dotted her nose against hers.

"Not funny. I'm serious, Addie. I usually screw boys on tequila. Boys that have stupid boy-penises. Or stupid boys with stupid boy-penises. Not... you."

"There's a first time for everything."

"Stop being so laid back about it. You should be freaking out."

"Hey, you can't blame me, I've just had the best orgasm of my life," she said and it was true, she was in a heavenly bliss in a perfect world.

"It was surprising, how amazing it was. To be with a woman I mean. Or maybe it was just because it was you."

"Do you always talk this much?" Addison teased.

"Shut up."

Addison kissed her.

"Do you want this to be just one time or...?" Meredith breathed.

Addison answered just by smiling and rolled on top of her.

~GA~

The following days they met again and again in on-call rooms and one time even in a supply closet.

Derek continued to be bright and shiny, or whatever he was calling it, or at least he didn't crack down as if Meredith had broken up with him. When she worked with Meredith, or had sex with Meredith, they never mentioned him. It felt better that way and neither of them were ready to deal with it yet.

However Addison was beginning to question what they were doing, and where they were going with their... thing. Could she even call it a thing?

She had never seen this sex-crazed side of Meredith before. Derek sure as hell wasn't a sex-crazed kind of person... She knew from her own experience... At least not like Mark or Meredith, or herself. She shuddered when she thought of Derek touching Meredith.

She hadn't broken up with him, so they were probably having sex. Most likely. Why wouldn't they? She didn't have anything to hold her back.

"What are you thinking about?" Derek suddenly asked her.

Addison flinched out of her thoughts, realizing she's been staring at him instead of the scans of a young woman who had been involved in a car accident. Always car accidents...

It was raining outside. She thought she remembered a French poem that went something like, my heart cries like it rains in the city. She sighed for herself, maybe she was becoming like Seattle. She used to be a New Yorker, now she was moody, confused and probably becoming a lesbian.

"Addison?"

"Yes?"

"You're acting very strange."

"I'm sorry," she said, tearing herself away from the window, putting her reading glasses back on and read the chart for probably the fiftieth time.

"You should be happy," he said, looking at her, smiling, with his hand leisurely on his hip. "We're civilized. Meredith and I are happy. We all are friends. You know, Meredith actually called you Addie the other day."

"Oh, she did," Addison said nervously.

"It's a positive thing. She can talk about you as your friends do," Derek said, as if he she didn't react to his statement the way he thought she should have.

"Yes, yes," she mumbled, wishing he'd shut up. Wishing she wouldn't feel so down.

Where was Meredith anyway?

"Have you seen her today, by the way?" she asked him, adding the by the way to make the question more casual.

"Yes, in my bed," he shone, creating a picture of too much information in her head.

"Derek," she sighed, frowning.

"Okay, sorry. Friends do share you know."

"Do you want me to tell you about my sex life?" she asked meaningfully.

Now it was Derek's time to frown, probably thinking about Mark.

"No," he said curtly. "And to answer your question, she's off work today."

"Why?"

"Sometimes, people don't work," he rolled his eyes. "She's been doing night shifts."

Yeah, Addison had too.

Derek hadn't.

~GA~

Addison had four hours until she needed to be back at work. She had sent a text to Meredith, which she hadn't answered, so she thought she could just drop by at her house.

Her heart was beating very fast when she walked up to the door. The door seemed huge, even though it was a perfectly normal door. The brownstone door had been much bigger, if she were to talk about doors, but she knew her brain was only thinking about doors because of what this particular one hid inside of it. It made her nervous.

She knocked on the door. She usually did that instead of ringing the doorbell. Doorbells tend to shriek.

It was the nervousness talking; that she knew.

Cristina opened the door. Looking at her with surprised eyes.

"Dr. Montgomery!" she stuttered. "What are you doing here?"

"I just came here to see Meredith."

"Now is not a good time," Cristina confided. "I'm trying to make her go to work, but she just won't go and she won't even tell me what's wrong and I'm her person you know? As her person you'd think she'd be able to tell me what's going on but she just won't."

Addison didn't move as she babbled on.

"I'm giving you too much information," she sighed. "You, great that you came, for whatever reason you came," she added in a frown. "I have to go back to the hospital, so just go in there and handle the situation for me, 'kay?"

"Okay," Addison said.

"Great. Awesome. See you!" she said and half ran out to her car.

Addison walked hesitantly inside the house of Ellis Grey. She closed the door quietly, hung off her jacket, put down her bag and went looking for Meredith.

"Mer?" she called. "What's going on?"

Meredith came down from the stairs. She was wearing the lilac sweater she didn't know Addison had a thing for.

"What are you doing here?" she asked breathlessly, hurrying down to her.

"You didn't get my text? I thought we could go do something, since it's your day off," Addison said as Meredith put her arms behind her neck and then kissed her softly.

"I've missed you," she mumbled.

"Why is Cristina trying to make you go to work on your day off?"

"She just doesn't think it's healthy for me to not be working."

"Why is that?" Addison said, trying not to be distracted by the way Meredith was pushing her body against hers.

Meredith sighed and pulled away from her, sitting down on the end of the stairs with a huff.

"You remember when I had appendicitis?"

"Uhm, yeah?" Addison said, remaining on her feet.

"I," she started but ended up with a small laugh. "I actually thought the Derek and Finn situation was making me sick."

Addison hesitated. "And so?"

"And I can't help comparing that to this."

"Is... this... making you sick?"

"No! This is different. But I couldn't decide then, because they were both equally not-enough for me."

Addison's heart began to race.

"So, Addison," Meredith said, standing up, walking slowly toward her again. Looking annoyingly cute. "Do you want to go out with me? On a date?"

"A date?" Addison breathed.

"Yeah, cause I'd like to try out how this thing can develop," she said alluringly.

"So it's a thing?" she breathed.

"Yeah, why wouldn't it be?" Meredith said, as if she hadn't even considered the thing not being a thing.

Addison didn't feel convinced.

"Are you going to try to choose between me and Derek? Is that what this is about? Because if it is, I don't know if I can be in."

"No, Addie. I'm not going to choose, because I'm trying to tell you I've already made my choice."

"You... you what? You're going to tell Derek? About us?"

"You think it's a bad idea?" Meredith asked, suddenly a bit self-conscious.

"Uhm, yeah, I do actually. Mer, come on, we've had sex five times. It's barely been two weeks. We shouldn't get ahead of ourselves..."

"You don't want to?" Meredith asked quietly, creating a bigger distance between them.

Addison took her hands in hers.

"I want to, I really do. I want you, and I didn't think I'd be able to say that at all," she said and let out a laugh. "But, I don't think we should tell Derek."

Meredith frowned. "Why?"

"Because we both know that we both know Derek. A thing like this would break him."

"Yeah, he'd freak out," she said and smiled smugly.

"Don't be mean to him, he's a sensitive little thing," she laughed, feeling very patronizing.

"So, we'll try this, you and me, but we won't tell Derek until we're absolutely sure."

"Yes."

"So he'll never have to know if it doesn't work out," Meredith said, her voice becoming slier as she walked toward her, flipping her hair back to expose her neck, as she had learned Addison had a soft spot for.

"Yep," Addison breathed as Meredith put her arms around her neck. She let her arms slide around her waist.

They kissed. First soft but then they began to deepen the kiss.

"So what do you think our odds are, with this thing, that we have?" Meredith asked her.

"What do you think?" she asked as she began tugging on the lilac sweater.


	8. Date Night

**I Don't Hate You**

_**Chapter 8: Date Night**_

They ended up on the floor, not to comfortable, they realized. But it was fun and different.

"Oh my god, Mer, we are like two teenagers," Addison smiled and made Meredith roll on top of her instead. They had been doing quite a bit rolling. It was fun to roll she realized.

Meredith giggled. "Yeah, we are. We haven't done this before, we have to start all over again, at the teenage-part."

"Like virgins," Addison said, rolling on the R like the French.

The next moment the phone started ringing. Meredith made a face.

"You should take it," Addison said, putting herself in half-sitting position, Meredith straddling her. Keeping their stance, Meredith reached out for the phone and pressed a button, not seeming to bother to pick up.

"It could've been important," Addison said, kissing Meredith's neck.

"They'll leave a message," she said, pushing down Addison on her back. "You wanna go again?"

The message machine made a shrill sound and then Cristina's voice boomed through the room.

"_Oh my god, Mer! I can't believe you hung up on me? What are you doing? Was Satan being mean so you're sitting in a corner crying or having some other lame kind of reaction?"_

"She's uhm... Yeah, I'm sorry about that," Meredith said, the color fading from her face.

"_Anyway, I was just calling you to tell you that She-Shepherd called you by your first name. So, I demand to know what's going on between you. Hey, you told me about all the McLesbian emotions you've been having and the Schizophrenic kissing and then the dirty McSex..."_

"You told her everything?" Addison gasped.

"Yeah... But not everything-everything... She's my person, y'know," Meredith said, clearly embarrassed.

"McLesbian emotions? You really do have to put a Mc before everything, do you?" Addison smirked, rolling over Meredith under her, then rising to her feet to take the phone.

"What are you doing?" Meredith asked.

Addison put the phone to her ear and said "Dr. Yang," with a confident smirk on her face.

Yang gasped in the phone. "Uhh! Dr. Montgomery! You're still there..."

"You know I'm not the She-Shepherd anymore right?"

"Look, I'm sorry about that, that won't happen again."

"And, don't call me Satan," she said sharply, then made a theatrical pause. "I prefer to be called The Ruler of All That Is Evil."

Meredith laughed loudly from the floor.

"Hey, what are you two up to?" Yang demanded, realizing she was being played with.

"We've been having extremely dirty kitchen sex, so I guess you'll never want to eat here again."

Yang was quiet on the other end of the line. Addison wondered if she'd dropped the phone.

"Dr. Yang?"

"Yes, Dr. Montgomery," she managed to say hoarsely.

"If you tell anyone, anything, I'll make sure you'll never see the inside of an OR at Seattle Grace for the rest of your internship here."

"Okay," she whispered and Addison hung up on her.

Addison turned to Meredith, who was still laughing some.

"You shouldn't have been so mean to her! Now she'll kiss your ass until you have to kick her away 'cause she annoys you so much."

Addison smirked, looking down at Meredith's very naked body, which she wasn't making any effort at all to cover up. She went to the fridge and looked for something edible.

"Chocolate sauce?" she proposed, winking at her with a bottle in her hand.

"There's ice cream in the freezer," Meredith said with a mocking smile on her far too cute face.

~GA~

It wasn't just about sex. It was easy for Addison to know, because she had done both kinds. Comparing Meredith to Mark... They were just miles apart. At least, she had thought she was in love with Mark once... But it had never made her feel like she did now.

Addison dropped her bag just as she was about to put her feet inside of the hospital, spilling out it's content on the rainy curb. She was in shock.

She was definitely falling for Meredith Grey. But it was worse, she was in love with her.

"Oh, Dr. Montgomery, I'll help you," said O'Malley, showing up behind her.

"Oh, it's okay," she said, reacting on the present and bent down to scramble up make-up, tampons, her cellphone, wallet and some lingerie. O'Malley looked embarrassed. "You can go. Thank you," she said to him and he seemed happy to go.

Getting to her feet, she wondered what she'd do. Also realizing that Meredith hadn't said anything about breaking up with Derek. Derek seemed to think they were a couple, even if it wasn't necessary that Meredith agreed.

Addison didn't want to be the one to split them up. She didn't want to be that woman.

Seeing Mark, she grabbed him and pushed him into a supply closet.

"Wow, Addie, changed your mind?" he said with a dirty glimpse in his eyes.

"No," she said, slapping away his hands that seemed to want to feel her up. "I need your help."

"But not sex?"

She glared at him. "Your advice."

"Huh."

"I've been sleeping with someone."

"Who?"

"It doesn't matter."

"Is it Karev? It's pretty obvious he's got the hots for you," he said indifferently. He was such a manwhore.

"It doesn't matter I said!"

"Uh, okay, chill it, Addie. Tell me. Uncle Mark is listening" he said, crossing his arms, as if getting ready to concentrate.

"How do I not have feelings for this person?"

"Uhm, that's not really a question I can answer."

"How do I keep it casual?" she continued, ignoring his answer.

"You just... keep it casual," he shrugged and she rolled her eyes. "I don't know Addie! You just have to see it for what it is. But, we both know that you're not a casual kind of girl. You're a marrying kind of girl, so if this guy isn't a marrying kind of guy, you should break it off. That's my professional advice."

She bit her lip. "Thank you," she said and hugged him. "I have to go, I have surgery with Derek," she sighed.

"He's not the one you've been sleeping with right?" Mark asked suspiciously.

"No, silly," she said and went to scrub in.

When she was changing her clothes to her scrubs, she got a text message on her phone. Picking it up, she saw that it was Meredith.

_We never had time to go on the date. Meet me tonight?_

Addison smiled to herself.

~GA~

Date-night. She hadn't been on a date since...well, since...could she count the fling she had with Mark as dates? Or did she have to go back to med school when she met Derek?...That just felt depressing.

But, it reminded her of her complete ignorance to what to wear. Meredith hadn't mentioned where they'd be going. She had said ten o'clock, so that wasn't a dinner time. Maybe she wanted to go have a drink or go dancing or something. She needed clothes that could move. Clothes that showed off her good parts, but not looking too much or too little.

She sighed. It was hard to be a woman sometimes.

She had a thing for shoes so she had bought a new pair for this occasion. Now she just needed something to match the shoes...

An hour later. She was putting on make-up, listening to some music to get in the mood. She had chosen a simple, but lusciously fashionable, blue dress. It showed off her legs and her breasts and the skirt could make a nice flow if she wiggled her hips. She slightly curled her hair, keeping it loose.

Perfect.

Someone knocked her door just as she finished the look with some lipstick. Obviously it was Meredith. Who else could it be?

She tip-toed like a child on Christmas to the door, opening it, feeling her smile stretch from ear to ear.

"Hey, Addison."

Her smiled disappeared.

"Derek," she breathed. "Uhm, what are you doing here?"

"I just wanted to talk to you. As a friend," he said, sounding miserable.

"Yeah, sure, yeah," she stuttered, then jumping aside to let him in. "Come in."

"Are you going out?"

"Yeah..." she said, pulling back her hair behind her ears, realizing she'd have to text Meredith to tell her not to come up to the hotel room.

Derek went directly and sat on her bed.

She closed the door and went to the desk where she'd put her cellphone.

"You look nice," Derek said, his eyes seeming to look at her for the first time, too caught up in his own misery to actually notice anything around him.

"Thanks," she mumbled as she texted Meredith not to come up because Derek was there with some kind of crisis. She put back the phone and went to sit next to her ex-husband.

"So, how are things?" she asked, putting her hands on her knees. Feeling a bit stiff.

"I thought Meredith and I were going somewhere," he said and made a pause, waiting for her to react.

"Uh-huh," Addison said, as she didn't dare to say anything else.

"But now I don't know. I can feel her slipping away from me, Addison," he said, pulling his fingers through his hair.

"Uh... Why is that?" Addison asked, remembering she'd told Meredith to not tell Derek, that he's a sensitive little thing. Her conscience made her stomach churn. She caused this?

"I think she's having an affair," he whispered.

Addison, the home wrecker.

"I'm, I'm so sorry Derek," she said, giving his hand a squeeze.

"Yeah," he said. "It's so common and cruel... And I guess I deserve it... After what I did to her... To you..."

His eyes were tearing up. She hugged him. She wanted to tell him how sorry she was about Meredith too, but she couldn't. She just couldn't.

"I'm sorry too Derek."

"Yeah, but that was a long time ago, Addie," he said and they ended the hug. "Who cares about Mark?" he concluded, smiling slightly.

Addison couldn't make herself smile. She didn't think about Mark at all. And he was also right, she didn't care about Mark.

Her cellphone beeped. She got up and looked at the message from Meredith.

_What's he doing there? Tell me when he leaves, Ok? xx_

This didn't actually help to give relief to the terrible state of her conscience.

"Is it your date?" Derek asked.

"Uhm..."

"You can tell me Addie."

"Yeah."

"Yeah, I guess I should be going so you can get on with your life," he said and got to his feet.

"Derek. I want you to... I want you to know that I want you to fight for her."

"What?"

"Meredith. You should fight for her. Don't let her do what I did to you...," she mumbled.

He smiled at her, his eyes sad. "Kay," he said, and then gave her a quick, friendly peck on her lips, before he left the building.

If reality was as she believed reality to be, he'd have tasted Meredith on her lips. Seeing the guilt in her eyes. Realizing everything.

But he didn't.


	9. Dealing with Reality

**I Don't Hate You**

_**Chapter 9: Dealing with Reality**_

"What's wrong?" Meredith asked tensely, seeing the change in her eyes. "What did he do to you?"

"Nothing."

Meredith sighed. "Addison..."

She sat down on the bed. Her half emptied martini stood at the bedside table. She took it and swooped it down.

"What did he say?" Meredith asked, sounding more urgent.

"I told you, nothing," Addison said, baring to give her a glance. "I think... I think we should stop this... Before it gets ugly..."

"But…"

"Meredith," Addison interrupted her beginning of a plead, went up and kissed her hard on her lips. "I just can't do this to him. I can't let you do this to him."

Her eyes were teary, and Meredith was obviously not a person who cried, so she knew this hurt her.

"He's the better guy."

"You're not a guy," she managed to protest.

"Meredith."

"Addie... I don't want to be with him."

"But why have you stayed with him?"

"I haven't, he's just assuming things, but I guess I also haven't ended it either..."

"Exactly."

There was a silence, a silence of acceptance, she'd like to say. But then again, she didn't know what went on in Meredith's head.

She'd be happy. She'd be happy with Derek. Derek would be happy and she would manage to see them happy together, after some time. She was doing the right thing here. Being the better person.

"Okay," Meredith said and turned around and walked abruptly to the door.

Opening it, she turned around and looked at Addison.

"You look nice in that dress. Blue suits you," she said, before she walked out, closing the door behind her.

Martini.

~GA~

Addison had discovered a very nice drink at the hotel bar. An Applepolitan, she'd never known about it before. Like Cosmo, but green, and apple-y.

The day before she'd been to work. And the day before that. Completely normal. Normal and avoiding and drinking during the nights.

"Addison," Meredith's voice suddenly said in her head. Great, now she's begun hallucinating things too. How much more could god punish her?

"Addison," Meredith said again, but it didn't sound like Meredith. It probably wasn't Meredith either, so she turned around and saw that it was Cristina Yang. "You're drunk," the woman stated. "Let's go," she said impatiently.

"Go where?" Addison frowned.

"To your room."

"Why? I know I'm always sleeping with the inappropriate people. I'm a cheater. I am. There I said it. Cheater. Me. But, if you think that would make me an easy target because of the cheating on the husband and then cheating on him again but with his girlfriend and then you might think I'd want to cheat on the girlfriend with you because you are her best friend, or person or whatever, which probably is worse. And I admit, that'd be something I might have done... do... or something. But, my point is, that you aren't getting any of this," Addison rambled, making a clumsy gesture toward her body.

"You done?"

Addison sighed, considering the fact that she might have made a fool of herself.

"Yeah... What do you want?"

"I've bought bagels," she said, showing her a paper bag with food. "You are going to eat, sober up, take a bath and then we're going to talk," Cristina said simply.

Addison just stared at her.

"Come on," Cristina said, pulling her out of her chair, paying the drinks for her and then helping her go up to her room.

While inside the hotel room Cristina went into her doctor-role, where she was cold, effective and robot-like. She took Addison's purse out of her hand and put it on a shelf. She didn't look her in the eyes, didn't put any emotion into her actions, and that was probably why she just let her take her clothes off, and ran a bath for her.

Cristina left her alone in the bathroom. She had made a bubble bath for her. The water was a little bit too warm, but it felt nice. It felt nice to be taken care of. But as she laid there, she couldn't help but think this all was a bit strange.

Why did Yang care?

The door opened and Cristina went in. She sat down on the toilet, clasping her hands in her knees and looked at her intently.

"I'm straight," Cristina said curtly.

"Me too."

"Yeah right," she snorted.

Addison sat up, making sure the bubbles were covering her breasts, and glared at Cristina.

"Why are you here?"

Cristina grabbed a towel and gave it to Addison. "Take it. Dry your hands."

Addison did so, but with a question mark written all over her face.

"Now you can eat the bagel," she said, taking it out of the bag she hadn't noticed she had brought with her into the bathroom. "I'll go get you a glass of water."

Cristina came back with the glass and she watched her eat in silence for a while.

"Why are you here?" Addison asked her again.

"You've been avoiding Meredith for over a week. And now you're about to drink yourself to death."

Addison started to protest, but the glare she got from the other woman shut her right back up. She took another bite of her bagel instead.

"Okay, I usually don't do this emotion-crap but apparently it's needed here so I'll just go with it. Here it goes. Meredith is my best friend. She's not only my best friend, because she's my person, I'm her person. We're each others persons. I'm the only one who knows who Meredith Grey is. So apparently I have to step in."

"It's none of your business what we do or do not do."

"It is my business. I'm her person. She's my person. And I can't let her go back to... him," she said bitterly.

"It's not my fault if she chooses Derek."

"But she would choose you over him, if she had the chance."

"Yet she didn't."

"Oh come on. We all know she'd choose you over him."

"Derek doesn't."

"Here's the deal," Cristina said, rolling her eyes. "Meredith has issues. I'm sure you've noticed the dark and twisty sides of her. There's lots of daddy issues and mommy issues too. The point is, that she will stay with Derek if you don't step the fuck up."

Addison lifted her eyebrows. "She's a grown woman, you know that right?"

"Whatever. Finish your bagel, the bath and then come out so I can talk some sense into you."

~GA~

When Addison had finished the bath she felt sober. Or at least much more sober and clear than before. Cristina was sitting on her bed with crossed legs, flipping uninterestedly through the TV-channels.

Addison seated herself beside her.

"So...," she began.

"How do you feel?" Cristina asked, but the question seemed strange when coming out of her mouth.

"How do I feel?"

"Yes. I ask questions about your feelings and you answer. That's how it works. I'm being a good friend here."

"A robot-friend maybe."

"Hey, I'm not here to be called names, I'm here for you. All of this is about you. So just talk," Cristina said with an annoyed tone, waving around with the remote control.

"Okay... Derek came here before Meredith and I were supposed to go on a date."

"Yeah, she told me. What happened?"

"He was sad. Miserable. He thought Meredith was having an affair," she mumbled, avoiding Cristina's gaze. "Which she is... But he didn't know it was with... me..."

"Oh."

"Yep."

"Wow. But... so... So you got all McGuilty about being a cheater and now you are sort of the cheater again?"

Addison nodded.

"But it's Meredith who's the cheater this time," Cristina reasoned. "You should let her figure this out and not take that role for her. It isn't fair to do that."

"But without me in the picture I wouldn't be hurting Derek."

"Why do you even care about Derek? This isn't about him."

"Of course it is. He's involved."

"But now you're hurting Meredith while trying to not hurt Derek."

"She's the one who hasn't broken up with him," Addison pointed out.

"Yes, so leave it to her. It's her thing to do. She's got abandonment issues, she needed some time to figure out she won't be abandoned by you and then she could have faced the Derek-thing."

"Ah, and now I abandoned her," Addison breathed.

"Are you in love with her?"

Addison met Cristina's eyes. They looked sincere. So she nodded.

"No offense Cristina," Addison said before Cristina would have time to say anything else, "but if she really wants me, then she should break up with him. I'm trying to do the right thing here."

~GA~

Working. She wasn't drinking. She had Callie, Miranda, Mark and now also Cristina, sort of, as her friends. She was good at her job and she wasn't alone doing it. It made her feel better. It kept her sane.

They were existing in total silence, her and Meredith. Meredith had refused to talk to her since the night at the hotel room.

Another couple of weeks passed.

Derek was still his normal, overly happy self. It meant that Meredith had done the right thing and stayed with the guy. It didn't feel as the right thing though.

She just wish she didn't care. Why couldn't she not-care? She started hating herself for not being able to just let her go.

Plus that she had to work with her, which was awkward.

She seemed to find a routine in avoiding Meredith, in pretending to be A-Okay with it all. But she wasn't fine with seeing her with Derek. She wasn't fine with being alone. But she wouldn't beg. She wasn't the begging kind of girl.

~GA~

One morning, an especially depressing morning since it was the day when she and Mark would have had their baby. Derek didn't know, but he didn't make it any better when he threw her misery right at her face, probably completely unaware of what he was doing but nevertheless.

He kissed Meredith right in front of her and Addison wanted to look away but couldn't make herself. Her grip around the charts tightened as she wished she was able to leave, but she couldn't, and she stared at the scene in front of her and her eyes could have just burned a hole in Derek's back.

Meredith pushed him away.

"What is it?" he asked, confused.

She glanced at Addison's direction and met Addison's steel gaze. They both looked away.

"We're at work," Meredith said and started walking away from him.

He followed her. "And so what?" he asked her and Addison couldn't hear the rest of their conversation.

She looked down at the chart and breathed raggedly, realizing she'd been holding her breath.

Suddenly Mark grabbed her by the arm, pulled her with him and pushed her into an empty on-call room.

"What are you doing?" she demanded.

"Addie I just saw it. Don't try to not know what this is about," Mark said, locking the door. "I saw how you looked at them... Can't you just move on?"

She saw how he looked. He was having a ruff cold going on.

"Oh my god, look at you," she said, for a moment forgetting about her own problems.

"I'm miserable."

"It's the rain...," she started.

"Just shut up, Addison."

"What?"

"Everything's messed up. You haven't gotten over Derek or Meredith or I don't know what's going on in your head. I don't even know who you are anymore," he said angrily and she just waited for him to continue, she had nothing to say to him, she didn't need to explain.

"You shouldn't have aborted the baby," he said quietly.

"If you'd had the baby we'd be together in New York right now," he continued. "It wouldn't be raining, and even if it was we wouldn't care because we'd be together. We'd be together. And I'd have a family instead of a walking pneumonia and a next best friend who hates me."

"You didn't want to raise a child, Mark. You wanted to trump Derek. You wanted to win."

"Don't make this my fault. You didn't want a baby."

"No, I did want a baby, Mark. That last woman you slept with before I left New York, Charlene, peds nurse... Did you think she's the only one I knew about? You're rewriting history, Mark. We wouldn't still be together. We weren't a great couple. And you would have made a terrible father, Mark. I did want a baby, I did, I just... I just didn't want one with you."

She walked out of there. Not permitting herself to feel horrible about the harsh things she'd just said. He wasn't any better.

~GA~

She blamed her elevated misery on that it was the due date that day and her general misery on not wanting to be the bad guy and destroy the thing Derek and Meredith had.

Maybe, if she'd kept the baby, she wouldn't be all alone. She wouldn't have Mark, that was for sure, but she wouldn't be lonely. She'd have a baby right now, or about to have a baby...

"I'm sorry that he did that," Meredith mumbled when they were working. Addison wasn't sure she had heard right, she was so lost in thought.

"I beg your pardon?" she said, looking up from a woman's womb she was suturing.

"That he uhm, did like that in front of everyone... In front of you, I understand that it must hurt you."

Addison broke the eye contact and went back to work.

"Grey, I have no idea what you're talking about and you should concentrate, we have a woman's life in our hands," she said.

But she lied. She knew exactly what she was talking about, why wouldn't she? She knew Meredith understood how she felt when she met her gaze when Derek had kissed her that morning.

It hurt too much to admit it. Whatever Yang had said, the assumed feelings Meredith held for her wasn't enough, and Derek... She had to feel more for him than her, and of course, why wouldn't she? She couldn't fight him. She couldn't win her.

She had already lost.

~GA~

"I brought you coffee," Meredith said, putting down the cup in front of her at her desk.

"Thank you," Addison mumbled, barely looking at her.

Meredith sighed, turned on her heels and went for the door. But then she suddenly turned around and said "You have no right."

"Excuse me?" Addison asked, looking up at her for real for once.

"You have no right to treat me like this," Meredith said, clenching her tiny fists.

Addison waited for her to speak.

"I'm trying. I'm trying here. But you... You hurt me."

"What? _I_ hurt _you_?" Addison asked, removing her glasses and feeling fury rising up.

"Yes, you won't even talk to me ever since we were supposed to have our date. You haven't even told me why properly. What, because he's the better guy, because you can't be the bad guy?" Meredith repeated Addison's words from their break up. "That's just bullshit! What do you feel, Addison? Tell me," she begged.

Addison got to her feet and leaned over the desk.

"Why would you want to know what I feel?"

Meredith bit her lip, decided what to do, then reached over and kissed her. Addison's anger melted. She wanted her, she desired her with her whole being...

She pushed her away. Meredith looked hurt.

"What do you want from me, Meredith?"

"I want you," she said.

"Really? If that's so then break up with Derek for me."

Meredith's lips formed a small O in suprise.

"I... I-"

"You're scared. You hesitate. That's why I treat you like this," she said, sat down and waved her dismissively away. "You can come back when you actually do decide. Because you can't have both. I'm sorry, Mer, I thought I could sneak around with you, but when I realized the consequences of our actions, I just couldn't continue doing it, and I won't start again. So, if you do decide that you want to be with me instead of Derek, I'll be here..."

She made a pause, thinking whether she should continue and just empty everything in her heart at Meredith. But no, she decided as she looked at Meredith's ambivalent expression, she would keep her face, she would keep her pride and she wouldn't say how much she hated this situation, she wouldn't beg, she wouldn't make her feel sorry for her. She would definitely not get down on her knees and if she wanted to be with her, she would come because of love and not because of shame or guilt.

"That's all I have to say. So you can go now," Addison finished without looking at Meredith. She didn't look up because she didn't want Meredith to say anything she didn't mean, because she knew, with her very foolish heart, that she would buy everything she said, and just fall even more and then be gravely disappointed and she didn't want that.

"Addison...," Meredith started, but Addison just shook her head slightly, and she quietened before she turned and left her alone in her office.

When the door shut, Addison felt like sinking through the floor and dying for a while so she let her forehead drop to the desk.

~GA~

"I don't like this," Callie suddenly said during lunch.

"Like what?"

"Like how you've become. You're acting weird."

"No, I'm not," Addison sighed.

"That's a weird answer," Callie said, pointing at her with her fork.

"No, it's not."

"I just want you to be normal again," she whined.

"I am," Addison said and Callie lifted her eyebrows. "I am," she emphasized. "I'm trying to be at least," she muttered, poking at her salad.

"Can you at least tell me what's going on?"

"Nothing's going on..."

"Addie, you're a bad liar. And it annoys me that you even think you can fool me," Callie said.

"I aborted Mark's baby," she said lifelessly.

"Tell me," she urged softly.

"About eight months ago I... peed on a stick... And I wasn't even... I wasn't even gonna tell him, but then I did, tell him, and uhm, he went out and bought this insane Yankees onesie and calendar and marked the due date which, I should mention, was today..."

"You didn't want a baby?"

"I wanted Derek. I wanted to have a baby with Derek. I'd never thought I'd end up alone," she said and as she said it tears threatened to burst out.

"Hey, you have not ended up anywhere," Callie said and took her hand across the table.

"It's just that uhm... Sometimes it feels that way you know. This is one of those days...," she said with clear crying and took a sip of her coffee.

~GA~

"Addison?"

"Hi Derek. Come in," she said silently as he stepped into her office.

"You're working with Meredith..."

"I am aware of the fact, yes," she said, leaning back in her chair.

"I just wonder if you knew anything...?"

"I know plenty."

"About how she is? She's been acting so sullen..."

"Maybe she's got PMS."

"For almost a month?" he said sarcastically.

Addison shrugged. "I don't know everything Derek."

"So, she hasn't said anything to why that can be?"

She shook her head. "Nope."

"Okay," he sighed. "Thanks anyway, see you in surgery."

"Yeah, see ya."

~GA~

In surgery later Derek worked on the woman's brain at the same time as Addison and Meredith monitored the baby.

"Hurry up Dr. Shepherd, we're soon having fetal distress. I don't want to take out this baby."

"I'm almost done," he said slowly as he was deeply concentrated in work.

"Can I look?" Meredith asked him or her, they weren't sure. She was obviously more interested in neuro than neonatal.

Addison sighed. "It's nothing you haven't seen before and you're on my service, Grey."

"Yes, sorry, Dr. Montgomery," Meredith said and sloped her shoulders.

The baby's pulse started to rise.

"Hurry Derek," Addison said again.

"Just two more minutes..."

"The baby doesn't have two minutes!"

"I'm finishing this," he said.

It was always like this...

"Fine, I'm taking the baby out," Addison decided. "Grey, you want to do this?"

"Seriously? All by myself?"

"Yes, I'll be right by your side. Or maybe you want to observe Shepherd..."

"No, no, no. This is just fine!" she reassured her.

"Good," Addison couldn't help but smirk triumphantly. Derek was luckily to concentrated in the patient's brain to notice it.

"Scalpel," Meredith said contently.

"Careful now, not too deep. Two inches... Yes, exactly... Stop. Perfect," Addison said, coaching Meredith through the first incision.

"I can feel the baby's head," Meredith said excitedly.

Addison nodded encouragingly. "Move your hands around... Yes, like that..."

"And now I pull?"

"Now you pull."

The baby came out, bluish and small.

"Give her to me," Addison said. "Cut the cord, Grey," she said and then hurried over with the baby to try to make it breathe.

Meredith followed her and watched how she did a tiny CPR. The baby started screaming and pink up and Addison relaxed.

"You did good," she said and smiled at the intern.

They finished up. The surgery was a success, even though they had to take the baby out.

While scrubbing out Meredith said "That was amazing. Thank you so much Add... Dr. Montgomery, for letting me do that."

"It was my pleasure," Addison smiled, but was careful with it and didn't want to smile to big in Derek's presence. She also hoped he hadn't noticed Meredith's little mishap.

"You want to choose neonatal as your specialty now?" Derek asked.

"Uhm, I don't know...," Meredith hesitated, not daring to say no in Addison's presence.

"Haven't you taught her everything now Addison? Can't you let me have her now?"

His words stung her. Since she wouldn't let herself share Meredith with him, work was the only place where she got to be near Meredith, and losing that now seemed close to the end of the world. She knew it wouldn't be that dramatic, but it was her greatest joy of the day. Truly. Tragically.

She cleared her throat. "I could hardly have taught her everything, _Derek_. I'm after all one of the best in my area. And, you'd have to ask the chief."

~GA~

The following day she was paged by the chief to come to his office. While there she found both Meredith and Miranda there, so she wasn't surprised that it was about Meredith's punishment.

"So, Addison, I wanted to know if you felt like everything was cleared up between you and Meredith? She says it's time for her to try other specialties."

"No," Addison said blankly.

"What?" Meredith said.

"Explain," Richard frowned.

"She's my intern, she's not the one to decide when she's done with me, with my area. I am her attending and I am the one to decide."

"But, Dr. Montgomery, with all due respect, I'm her resident and she's been on your service for almost two months now and I'd say it's time for her to learn other things," Miranda said.

"And I am also the boss of you," Addison said immaturely.

"Addison!" Richard gasped.

"No. I won't let you control my life. This is work and this is something I can control and I know that I'm not done with her yet and I won't let you tell me otherwise," she said, gesturing exaggeratedly as she always did when she got fired up and then stormed out of there.

She went to her office where she fought back the tears, feeling horrible. Betrayed.

She knew it was all stupid to feel that way. Meredith had a right to her education and they both knew that she wasn't going into neonatal later on. But she had gone behind her back, she hadn't even asked her and now she wanted to take away the last piece Addison had of her?

Meredith came into her office twenty minutes later.

"Hey... The chief decided to give you 30% of my time...," she told her softly.

"Okay," Addison nodded.

"I'm sorry," Meredith said.

"It's fine," Addison said and then her face crumpled as she started to cry for real. Maybe she should have just let it all out when she could have before Meredith had come there...

"Oh, Addie, I didn't know... I thought...," Meredith started but quietened as Addison shook her face and turned away from her.

Then she felt Meredith's arms wrap around her, and she turned around, pulled her closely and cried against her shoulder.

Meredith didn't say anything, just waited for her to stop crying. When Addison had calmed down she pulled away, told her a silent "thanks" and Meredith nodded, got the message and left her there.


	10. A New Way

_A/N: I never intended Alex to become so annoying, it just happened! XD_

**I Don't Hate You**

_**Chapter 10: A New Way**_

They didn't talk after that, unless they worked of course, mutually embarrassed of all that had happened between them.

But about a week later Meredith came in to her office, even tough she wasn't on her service that day.

"Addison, can we talk?" she asked her, having brought two cups of coffee, one of which she put down on her desk, then staying by her side.

Addison removed her glasses and said "Of course."

"You haven't talked to me."

"You haven't talked to me either," Addison replied.

Meredith bit her lip. "I miss you," she said.

Addison swallowed. "You see me every day."

"It's been all weird since our date."

"I know."

"Why?"

"If you wanted to talk to me you could have," Addison said, aware that she sounded dismissing, but she couldn't help but feel bitter about how it turned out and the thought of Derek made her throat feel like acid. She took a sip of the coffee.

"I broke up with Derek," Meredith said quietly.

Addison almost choked on the coffee and then she couldn't get any sound coming out from her mouth at all.

"I was meaning to tell you."

Addison swallowed, glad the coffee hadn't shot out of her nostrils. "Since when?" she succeeded to ask.

"It's been five days. He hasn't gone to work."

"I thought he was camping."

"Nope. Drinking by the trailer."

Addison nodded, and then smiled.

"You did that for me?" she asked.

Meredith nodded and smiled shyly.

"I didn't even ask you, we weren't even together and you still broke up with him," Addison said.

Meredith shrugged.

"You make me feel," she said. "And I miss you, and I've been so stupid."

Addison lifted her eyebrows.

"And you're so annoying to work with," Meredith said, standing up without taring her gaze away from her.

"Why?" Addison breathed as Meredith walked over to her.

"You're beautiful," she said, "and amazing,"

Addison thought she should say something, before she chickened out mostly, but she only had time to open her mouth when Meredith dived in and caught up her lips with hers.

Addison was shocked by this behavior, which didn't really seem like Meredith, but feeling Meredith's lips again, her scent, just having her so close, made her melt quickly and her composed speech was completely forgotten.

"I've really missed you," Meredith breathed against her mouth.

It woke a hunger inside Addison, when Meredith went up like that on her toes to kiss her and pressed her body against Addison's. It woke something savage within her. She needed to feel Meredith more. She needed to feel everything, all of her. She pried her mouth open with her tongue her hands trailing down Meredith's waist to her ass. Gripping tightly. Hungrily.

She found the edge of Meredith's scrub shirt and pulled it over her head, began kissing her shoulder, pushed down the strap of her bra, forgot about being careful with creating hickeys and kissed just as furiously and demanding as she needed to, let the bra loose with one hand. Meredith shrugged it off, eager to let Addison kiss her breasts, her hands intertwining in the redhead's hair, letting out her carefully arranged hairdo.

It felt like it had been so long, ages, lifetimes, since she'd felt her the last time. Addison kicked off her shoes, and became more leveled with Meredith's height. Meredith struggled with unbuttoning her blouse, their lips still locked together. Addison untied Meredith's scrub pants, then let Meredith brush off the blouse, unzipping the skirt, pulling it down.

Pushing Meredith down on the bed, laying herself on top of her, putting her leg between her thighs. Grinding herself against her hipbone. Kissing her neck, leaving stamps on her skin.

"I want you," Meredith whispered against her ear. "If you want me..."

Addison brushed away her hair which was falling in the way, and looked at Meredith. Her mouth was open, her eyes were hazy, darkening.

"Yes, yes, I want you," she moaned in a couple of breaths, not caring that she sounded needy.

With her right hand she stroked Meredith's cheek, let her thumb slip into the corner of her mouth. Meredith closed her eyes and Addison's nerves jumped when the tip of her thumb was licked by the younger woman. She let her hand trail down her neck, to her chest, her breast, her stomach, her hip to slip down inside her boy-shorts, inside of her.

Meredith began moaning pretty loudly with the combined thing she did with her thigh and fingers.

"Shush," Addison said softly against her ear, while there, she nibbled and licked on her earlobe along the helix. It felt so right, it would be so right. They were so right.

"Be with me, for real this time. No more sneaking around," she whispered.

Meredith didn't answer, but swung her over by taking a grip around her waist. She took off her boy-shorts and then rolled off Addison's pantyhose and her very sophisticated Calvin Klein underwear. She straddled her and took the control.

"Meredith?" Addison asked, feeling worried by the fact that her words were left hanging in the air.

Meredith sighed in defeat and stopped caressing her and gave her a scrutinizing look.

"I don't wanna say anything because when I do answer I'm gonna ramble and then I've screwed this moment up, and I really don't wanna screw it up because I really... I'm stopping there."

"Meredith, you've already screwed it up," Addison chuckled nervously and gave her a quick kiss. She pondered if she should be scared by Meredith's words, but she thought it would be better to keep on the bright side. After all, it was Meredith who had started their whole conversation.

Meredith laid herself down beside Addison, putting her hands under her head.

"You can ramble now if you want to," Addison said helpfully, because Meredith seemed to have difficulties with getting the words to come out of her mouth.

"You make me feel all these things," she began. "All these bubbly and happy things. I don't know why, and I sure didn't ask for it, but I feel it. And I want to say all these bubbly things that bright and shiny people say to one another, but it scares me that I feel it, because I'm not normally a bright and shiny person," Meredith said and made a pause, biting her lip.

Addison shuffled herself closer to her, taking a grip on Meredith's thigh and putting it around her waist. She caressed her soothingly, stroked away some hair from her cheek.

"I totally forgot what I was saying," Meredith whispered.

"Something about not being shiny."

"Right. Thanks," Meredith said, pursing her lips together, trying to concentrate.

"You're super cute when you do that," Addison said and leaned in to kiss her.

"Are you falling in love with me?" Meredith whispered after a moment of hesitation.

"Yes. Definitely," Addison answered, her smile growing broader than it were meant to. "Are you?"

"I'm scared to get hurt," she whispered with big eyes. "I don't want to be left. I couldn't leave Derek because I was afraid to be alone, and I was afraid that you'll leave me too... I mean, why wouldn't you... And I'm sorry I cheated on you with him, it must have hurt you."

"Yes it hurt... But I don't know if I'd call it cheating since I was aware of the fact... And I do want to be with you, maybe that helps some with the pain... The pain for both of us. I am falling for you, Meredith. I've already fallen. I'm just continuing to fall, no matter what I do to prevent it. And I'm in love with you, Meredith."

Meredith suddenly sat up.

"What? What is wrong?" Addison asked, finally alarmed, and popped herself up on her elbows.

"I just have to say this. Before we get into something you'll regret. You have to know that I'm messed up, I'm damaged and dark and twisty and strange."

"Uh-huh," Addison said, not taking her rambling seriously.

"Addie," she whined like a child. "I don't want you to change your mind."

"I won't," she said and let her hand trace the lining of her sweater.

"You would if you knew, the guys I've slept with... The family I sort of have."

"Sort of?" Addison chuckled, taking a grip around Meredith's waist and pulling her on top of her.

"I'm serious. Seriously. You haven't met my parents," she said the word parents with reluctance.

"Well you haven't met mine either, right?" Addison asked, while stroking Meredith's bare back.

"I'm messed up."

"Because of the guys you've slept with or because of your family or something else?"

"Everything," Meredith breathed.

"I'm not afraid of you," Addison smirked. "You can be how dark and twisty as you want with me," Addison said but Meredith didn't look reassured, so she added "Meredith, we all have messed up families. My family is much more messed up than yours, I promise you."

"No way."

"You really want to compete?" Addison sighed.

"I'd win," she said and frowned. "But I don't want to talk about the family stuff yet..."

"Me either."

"Fine, so you're probably going to freak out if you knew about all the inappropriate boys."

"You're telling me? I'm after all the girl who screwed her husband's best friend and then his girlfriend," she said meaningfully.

Meredith rolled her eyes. "Seriously."

"You've said that word too many times for it to keep its meaning."

"Seriously," Meredith repeated, but with a bit more force. "Like, how many people have seen you naked?"

"Eleven. Twelve with you."

"I win. By far..."

"Like I care that you're a slut," Addison joked.

"You're not funny."

"Then why are you smiling?" Addison said before she crashed her lips together with Meredith's.

~GA~

Addison woke up by the shrill sound of a beeping pager.

She opened her eyes and saw Meredith's back. She was reaching out, onto the floor to find the pager. Reading it, she let out a huff and then laid down again on the bed.

"It's yours. We both have to go," she announced.

"Okay...," Addison mumbled, already falling back to sleep.

"Hey, I told you we both should go," Meredith said and shook Addison's shoulder lightly.

"Why?" Addison asked without opening her eyes.

"We've slept for almost three hours."

"What?" Addison exclaimed and sat up, wide awake. "Shit, shit, shit!" she cursed as she jumped up on the side of the bed and hurriedly started rolling up her pantyhose. "I have to make up an excuse. What will I tell Bailey for you?"

"Research?" Meredith suggested, took up Addison's bra from the floor and threw it at her. "Paper work that took time?"

"Bad reasons... Wait a minute... Why haven't Bailey paged you already?"

"Crap! Where is my pager?" Meredith realized and her hands patted automatically her hips, where her pager usually were. "I had it when I came here... I must have..."

Her stammering went silent as she decided to continue to get dressed. Maybe she figured that the pager had fallen off and ended up under the clothes or something like that. It was cute.

She gave Addison her blouse and then pulled on her scrub shirt.

Without warning, someone opened the door and Addison let out an involuntarily shriek and covered her chest with the blouse.

It was Alex and he shut the door behind him.

"So, I guess I know what you two have been doing," he said, crossing his arms and smiling at them smugly. "How long have you been fucking?"

"You took my pager!" Meredith exclaimed.

He nodded.

"The door was locked!"

"I know my tricks," Alex said, looking at his fingernails, admiring his own capabilities.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Addison asked, still trying to cover herself up.

"I heard you humping and then I went to the janitor and took a key and opened the door with it. Then I took your pager so Bailey will get pissed with you. It was easy."

"But why?" Meredith asked.

Alex turned to Addison. He sighed.

"Sloan isn't even letting me do stitches. He's making me fetch his dry-cleaning, and, I guess, ever since you've been screwing Meredith you haven't let me in on any surgeries. And I want back in. Plus it has been all awkward for you, since the time when you couldn't perform with me."

Meredith stared at her with her mouth hanging open. Addison hadn't told her about Alex.

"You really think this is the way to make me take you back on my service?" Addison asked dryly.

Karev shrugged. "Now you know that I know. I guess you haven't told Shepherd... I could easily let it slip my mind," he said, examining his nails like some kind of evil character in a comic.

"You wouldn't," Addison said through clenched teeth.

"Wanna test me?"

"This is immature," Addison stated. "And I'm an attending, I can crush you like a twig."

Alex smiled at her. "Why does it matter? And by the way," he said, looking at her chest, "you've got no reason to hide your boobs, it's nothing I haven't seen before."

"I'm an _attending_," she repeated, "and you do not talk to your attendings like that as an intern," Addison threatened, getting to her feet.

She was occupied with staring down Alex that she didn't see how Meredith darkened with fury until she threw herself at him and tried to claw his eyes out or something.

Alex, a wrestler, made a swift move and knocked Meredith down to the floor, captured her there. Addison shrieked.

"Oh my god! What the hell are you doing? Let her go!"

Meredith kicked at him, but couldn't reach anything.

"Meredith, are you hurt?" Addison asked.

"No, she's not hurt," Alex answered for her.

"Let her go!" Addison cried out at Alex and considered kicking him in his side, but wouldn't want to go that far.

"Take me back on your service. I am going to do neonatal and you can't refuse to teach me."

"Oh, I can. You seriously believe this is how you get on my good side?"

"Give me back my pager, you bastard!" Meredith growled from the door like an angry kitten.

"Don't worry, Mer, I'll talk to Bailey for you. I could get him completely fired too..."

"I'll tell Shepherd," Alex said.

Addison bit her lip.

"Fine! I'll teach you! Just let her go and give back the pager!"

Alex let Meredith go, triumphantly smiling. Meredith scrambled to her feet as he took the pager out of his pocket and gave it to her, ho took it back, glaring at her. And then she hit him with her fist in his face.

He barely moved.

"Why did you even try that," Alex rolled his eyes, rubbing his cheek with his hand.

"Maybe I'm not strong but you get the picture, evil spawn," Meredith muttered, crossing her arms like a child.

"Yeah," he said, smiling superiorly. "So, I never figured you two to be on the girl-on-girl-side," he said, blinking at them with his head cockily tilted upwards.

With those words he left them there.

Addison let go of her blouse and put it on the bed before checking up on Meredith.

"Are you okay?" she asked, stroking her upper arms.

"I'm pissed off," she said.

"Don't worry, Mer... We'll tell Derek and then Alex has got nothing to threaten us with."

Meredith bit her lip, hesitating. Addison frowned at her.

"Do we really have to do that now?" Meredith sighed. "This is just a really bad timing..."

"Okay... You're right. We'll give him and us some time. We'll deal with Alex in the mean time. How hard can that be?"

~GA~

Addison followed Meredith to Bailey, made up an explanation, and everything was fine.

"When do you get off work?" Addison asked her afterward in a whisper.

"At 6."

"Meet me in the lobby?"

"What do you have in mind?" Meredith asked, inclining toward her, biting her lip seductively.

Addison cleared her throat and backed away a bit. She winked at her, then said loudly "Very good, Dr. Grey."

Meredith tried to hide a smile. Addison turned on her heels and went to work.

~GA~

The day moved on in its normal course, but seemed much brighter now. Like it had sort of transformed, or the perspective had changed to some kind of happy, colorful world.

At four she got a text from Meredith that said that she would be caught up in surgery and they'd have to say seven instead.

She continued sending her texts and the time when she got off became in the end half past ten.

Addison had waited for her at the hospital all the time. Cristina had given her a cup of coffee before she went home.

"I'm so sorry," Meredith said, finally meeting her in the lobby.

"It's fine, I'm a surgeon too you know," Addison said jokingly, standing up from the bench.

"Yeah," Meredith said as Addison started to correct her trench coat, which she as usual hadn't bothered to care about how it looked.

Meredith suddenly realized something because she looked at her with big eyes.

"What?" Addison said.

"Please don't tell me that you have another husband or a wife that's gonna come in through that door," she said and pointed against the entry. "No creepy children you haven't told me about?"

Addison laughed. "No! Why?"

"Because this is what Derek did to me just before you walked in through those doors and messed everything up."

"I messed everything up?"

"You were dressed in black like some kind of black widow and your hair all red and curly... like Satan...," she said, still staring at the entry.

"You know I'm standing here, hearing everything you say, right?"

Meredith turned to face her and wrapped her arms around her neck.

"You know, I always thought it was fate to meet Derek at the hospital later, after our one night stand, that we were meant to be because of some kind of cosmic order... But it was true what I told him that first day at work... He really isn't that good looking. And if I hadn't met him, I would never have met you," she said and Addison laughed. "So I guess it was the cosmic order after all."

They leaned their foreheads together and Addison kissed her quickly and then pulled away.

"We don't want people to find out through the grapevine," she said.

"True," Meredith sighed and they began walking out of their side by side.

"Tired?" Addison asked.

"Exhausted," Meredith sighed.

"Wanna go to the hotel?"

"Yes please. Can you drive?" she asked, Addison nodded and she threw her the keys. "I swear, I'll make it up to you later, I'll take you properly out to dinner and make something super romantic," Meredith said, already starting to close her eyes as she settled herself in the passenger's seat.

~GA~

Addison didn't want to wake her up, but when they arrived at the hotel she had to, so she gently shook her arm.

"I'm so sorry I fell asleep, Addie," Meredith said when she'd localized the place.

Addison laughed. "It's fine, I've been an intern myself once. Let's just go upstairs, take a shower... because you've still got some blood in your hair... and then just sleep."

"Sorry about that too. It sounds like an amazing plan," Meredith said, getting out of the car.

While at the hotel room they peeled the clothes off of one another. It seemed like something they could get used to do.

"Am I your girlfriend?" Meredith asked her, looking at her with one eye, shampoo running down on half of her face.

"Do you want to be?" Addison asked, drying away the foam with the back of her hand.

"Yes," she answered shyly. "Do you?"

"More than anything," she answered kissing her, then she mumbled "but I won't take the boyfriend title, I'm a girlfriend too."

Meredith laughed at the obviously bad joke.

"I think I'm living every guy's dream right now," she suddenly said, as she, deeply focused, rubbed a soapy sponge from Addison's shoulder, to her breast, to her stomach... "I mean, being in the shower with you... I mean, wow... It's just hard to comprehend."

Addison chuckled, pulling her closer by putting her hands at the small of her back.

"Do you always say everything that comes into your mind when you're tired?"

"Yeah, probably, not everything, but you know," she rambled, her eyes flickering to Addison's lips.

She leaned in and kissed her.

"I like being this," Addison mumbled against her lips, "wet with you."

Meredith pulled away and laughed, frowning. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"Whatever you want it to mean," she answered. "You want me to put conditioner in your hair?"

~GA~

Falling asleep, cuddling, the night seemed to pass too quickly.

The alarm went off half past four.

"Fuck," Meredith muttered.

"You have pre-rounds," Addison mumbled, not opening her eyes, rolling over to her back.

"You spooned me the whole night?" Meredith asked, sounding astonished and also suddenly wide awake.

"Yeah, basically, I guess," she answered, covering her eyes with her arm as Meredith turned on the lights.

Meredith straddled her.

"Good morning," Meredith said, removing Addison's arm from her eyes and started placing small kisses everywhere on her face.

Addison's eyes adjusted gradually.

"Hello, hot, naked woman," she smiled.

"Shut up," Meredith mumbled and laid herself flat on top of Addison, chest against chest, she started nibbling and sucking on the skin of her neck.

Addison shivered.

"We have time...?" she asked.

Meredith answered by smiling mischievously and kissed her way down between her legs.

~GA~

"Why did I have to wait for you so long?" Addison asked quietly afterward when Meredith was, well-satisfied, playing with her hair.

"I needed some time to figure out my feelings, to wrap it up with Derek... I was scared to be alone, because I wouldn't let myself dare to believe that you of all people would want me. And then I tried to reach out for you, but yeah you know... Maybe it was better that way?"

"Yes. Now we don't have to worry about guilt and stuff," Addison sighed.

"But you're feeling guilt anyway, don't you?"

"We have to tell Derek."

"I know."

"When?"

"As quickly as possible. Before the grapevine gets to him first."


	11. Commitment and Trust

_A/N: I'm sorry I took so long for this update! Thanks for staying with me! xx 3_

**I Don't Hate You**

_**Chapter 11: Commitment and Trust**_

They ordered in breakfast and ate some before going to work. Addison went in with her. They met Miranda's other interns in the elevator who all looked at them strangely. Addison knew they would make Meredith talk. There was no point in keeping secret, there was probably some nurse that had seen them last night. So... The whole hospital had probably made up some kind of crazy story about them.

It was really quiet. Everyone was staring at them. They were standing in the back, very normally. Not too close, not awkwardly far apart.

"What?" Meredith suddenly burst out.

"You're glowing," O'Malley remarked.

Addison tried to hide a smile and looked down at her feet.

"Stop looking!" Meredith said, slapping away O'Malley's hand that was moving toward her as if to touch some kind of shiny aura.

Alex chuckled.

"Isn't it obvious?" he said.

"Shut up," Meredith told him and Addison glared at him.

He looked a bit insecure by the glare, but Meredith hadn't seen it so she thought her words had made him quiet. She straightened her back with a satisfied grin growing on her face.

"What, what is obvious?" Stevens asked, looking like she'd thought she'd missed out on some kind of internal joke.

"Nothing," Meredith said. "Okay, here's us," she said to Addison. "See you later Dr. Montgomery."

The interns stepped out of the elevator and when the doors closed Addison could hear Stevens scream "what the hell was that about?". It was going to be an interesting day.

She settled herself in the small coffee room. Callie joined her ten minutes later.

"Callie. I have to tell you something," she said to her as a very tired-looking Callie gulped down some coffee.

"Uh-huh, really? Right now? Isn't it too early for that...," she grunted.

Addison sighed.

"You really have to move out of the hospital... What's your problem really? You have money, live at a hotel like me. It's much more classy," she joked.

"You have money. You can buy an apartment instead of being silly and just throwing it all away on a too expensive hotel room. Don't come here and be all wise with me," she said, pouring herself another cup of coffee.

Callie could be cranky in the mornings.

"Meredith is my girlfriend now."

Callie spit out her coffee.

"Ew, coffee is dripping from your nose," Addison remarked and gave her a tissue.

"You can't throw a thing like that on me! It's brutal!"

Addison laughed.

Callie caught up with the meaning of the words, put down the cup and leaned over her, her hands resting on the table.

"What's that even supposed to mean?"

"I want to tell you, because you're my friend, but I didn't want to talk about it much before when I didn't really know how stuff were going to develop..."

"Hold on... For how long? Meredith? Grey? Really?" Callie said, while sitting down, as if her legs wouldn't carry her anymore with all that new information she had to process.

"Yes. Not long. Or... Yeah... We've been on and off for about a month... Or okay... It's been pretty dead between in us during that time too, but now I think we're for real."

"I still kind of hate you for not telling me earlier, and dropping this like a bomb on me."

"Sorry."

"Who knows about you and her?"

"Mark, Alex Karev and Cristina Yang. No one else."

Callie nodded. "I'm one of the privileged," she smiled.

"You could say that," Addison smiled back.

"Does this mean that you're a lesbian?"

Addison was caught of guard. She grunted. "I have no idea. I don't think so? I've never really thought about it."

"Okay... But... Is the sex better with...?" Callie asked, lifting her eyebrows meaningfully.

Addison blushed.

"Oh, wow. You're a lesbian."

"How can you say that? You can't simplify a thing like that."

"Sure I can. If you like girls better, then you have no reason to go back to men, right? So, call yourself a lesbian," Callie shrugged.

"That's super mean toward all the real lesbians out there who have never felt anything for a man and always known."

Callie rolled her eyes, and got to her feet.

"And you? Have you ever been with a girl before?" she asked, pretty much ignoring Addison's response and walked over to the fridge.

"No, of course not."

"Why of course not? You're contradicting yourself, woman," Callie said, opening the fridge where she found some grapes.

"Is that even yours?"

Callie shrugged. "No, who cares?"

Addison rolled her eyes.

In came Mark. Callie smiled smugly at him and Addison avoided him.

"Good morning ladies... What is it?" he asked, since Callie didn't stop staring.

"Shut it Callie," Addison warned.

"But you told me he knew?" she pouted.

"Knew about what?" Mark asked.

Callie continued staring at him with a weird smile on her face.

"Oh, dear god...," Addison muttered and wondered why all the doctors at Seattle Grace were like children in lab coats.

"What are you hiding from me?" Mark urged.

"Nothing!" Addison said, took her cup and began walking out of there.

Both he and Callie followed her.

"Why can't you tell him?" Callie hissed in her ear.

"It's none of his business," she mumbled.

"What is none of my business? I want to know. Or, maybe I do know..."

They followed her to the elevator. She pressed the button to go down.

"Leave me be," she said.

"Addie... Tell me," he whispered sweetly, standing close to her, in a way that would have made her knees become like jelly, but now it didn't.

"Stop it Mark. You two need to grow up," she told them both.

They all got into the elevator.

"Are you even going anywhere?" she asked them, pressing the button for the forth floor.

"Yeah," Callie cleared her throat, "I'm going to the fourth floor too."

Mark took a hold of Addison's cheeks. "You can't keep me in the shadow woman."

"Are you going back to New York?" she asked and shrugged him off.

"No."

"Does Callie know about what starts with an M and finishes with an H?"

"Yes."

"Ah, so that's what it is about," he smiled.

"Fine. We're a couple. Are you satisfied? But you can't tell Derek yet."

"Since when?"

"Since... Yesterday?"

Mark laughed at her.

"I think she's a lesbian now. Totally. I mean, I don't even think she finds you hot anymore," Callie said.

"Oh, really?" Mark said, seeming to take it as a challenge.

Before she had time to realize the danger coming, he swooped his arm around her waist, pressed her against him and kissed her. He kissed her the way he knew would make every bone in her body melt, to activate every nerve.

But this time it didn't. It just pissed her off. Caught off guard his tongue slipped inside her mouth, his arms way too strong to permit her pushing him away easily.

The elevator doors pinged open just as she considered biting his tongue off.

Someone gasped and Addison pushed Mark away just to see Meredith's shocked and hurt face, before she rushed away.

"You asshole," she spat at him, then stormed after Meredith.

"Meredith!" she called after her. She was walking quickly, talking big steps, her hair bouncing at her shoulders.

"Leave me alone," she said, without turning back to look at her.

Addison caught up with her, taking big leaps in her heels, and put her hand on her shoulder to make her stop.

She turned her around and saw that Meredith had tears in her eyes.

"I'm a girl with abandonment issues. You can't kiss other people," she said.

"I'm sorry, Mer. I didn't mean to, I didn't want to kiss him."

"It didn't look like that to me," she huffed and started walking again.

"He's an idiot."

Meredith rolled her eyes, racing her pace to get away from her.

"Meredith, I'm sorry," she whispered, since there was some nurses passing by. When they were out of hearing she continued. "He really is an idiot. I told Callie about us, and then they started joking about me being a lesbian, and then he wanted to test me if I am by kissing me. He's an asshole and I'm so sorry."

"Yeah," she snorted.

Addison grabbed her by her wrist. "Meredith, you have to listen to me."

"No I don't," she pulled back her hand. "I don't want to listen to you. I want to work."

"Weren't you about to take the elevator?"

"I'm taking the stairs!" she shouted.

Some nurses looked at them with big baffled eyes.

"Meredith, you don't have to scream," she said, putting her hand up in front of her face to hide from the staring eyes.

Addison followed her to the stairwell.

"Quit following me!" Meredith shouted, her voice cracked with tears.

"I'm following you because I want you to listen to me. Just give me a second!"

"Fine," Meredith said, stopping and crossing her arms over her chest.

"I'm telling you the truth when I'm saying that I did not want to kiss Mark. He made me. You are the only one I want to kiss. That's the crass truth, and I'm not going to beg, but god knows I do want to. I want to get up and grab a hold of you and make love to you right here and now, on this staircase, and I wouldn't even care about the people that might see us, because all I'd want is for you to believe me. I'd do whatever it takes for me to prove myself to you. But I won't do that, because I know that it's not necessary for me to beg, because I know that you know that I'm honest," she said, finishing strangely exasperatedly and wondering if she'd made any sense at all.

Meredith opened her mouth to speak, but then Mark stormed in and ruined the moment.

"I'm so sorry, Grey. I was just fooling around. What can I do to make it up to you guys?"

"Get out," Addison growled, beginning to threateningly walk toward him. "I don't want to see you, I don't want to hear you and we do not need your apologies!"

Mark looked a bit shocked ans surprised with this reaction from her side. But he does have a respectful side in him, so he left them alone without further words.

Meredith caught up with her. "Calm down."

Addison turned around to face her, suddenly forgetting about Mark's existence.

Meredith's small hand found Addison's chin and pulled her into a very gentle kiss.

When they broke apart she said "You hurt me and it freaks me out that you can. You have all this control over me, which I don't want you to have and I know that you didn't ask for it. But I also do want you to have that control but I... and I just... You scare the crap out of me."

"Why?" Addison breathed.

"Because I love you."

Addison got a really goofy smile on her face.

"I lo-" Addison began but Meredith put two fingers on her lips.

"Save it," she said.

Addison pouted. "But I do..."

"Hm," Meredith smiled. Kissed her again, her lips lightly touching Addison's. Pulling back. Looking at her. Going back to meet her lips, sucking on her bottom lip, slightly opening her mouth, letting their tongues intertwine.

Addison pressed herself against Meredith, begging for more with every inch of her body.

"Please be scared with me. Please?" Addison breathed against her lips.

Meredith nodded. "Yes, I will..."

~GA~

They decided to eat lunch together, they wouldn't be working together that day. Derek was back, but luckily, Meredith wasn't to be with him but with Burke.

But when lunch came closer, Addison realized she couldn't make it to lunch. Sucked to be a surgeon sometimes.

On her way to the surgery she sent her a text.

_I don't have time to lunch w/u cause of the surgery. Text u afterward. Xx_

Meredith answered: _Ok :( Have fun w/the fetal blood vessels_

Addison smiled to herself. She found it surprising how well Meredith seemed to know her.

"Hey, Addison!" Mark said, catching up with her.

She put her phone in her pocket. "Hey, Mark," she said silently.

"I am really, really sorry. That won't ever happen again."

"That's right," she said, stopping and faced him. "It will, never, ever happen again. Not even in your dreams. You humiliated me. You hurt Meredith. Fuck you," she said and began walking away from him. He stayed in his place.

Usually she didn't use such crude language... Which made it even more meaningful when she actually did use them, so he'd have to get the picture.

"How can I make it up to you?"

"You stay away!" she called after him.

"Wow, what did you do to piss off Addison?" she heard Derek ask him from a distance.

Where had he come from?

She turned around to look at them. Suddenly afraid that he would have heard her use Meredith's name. That wasn't the way she wanted him to find out. And what if Mark told on her?

"Why do you care?" Mark asked him.

Derek shrugged.

"Maybe we have something in common again."

Addison rolled her eyes and decided that if Mark wanted to spoil her cover, he could. But she doubted that he would. He wasn't a mean person. He was just a whore with a far too big ego.


	12. A Desired Struggle

_A/N: I am completely aware of having taken like a year to update this story. I just want to tell you that there's no need to worry, I haven't given up! And I won't! I haven't had time to write because I've moved to another town and during the last month I've been having my (French, should be pointed out) exams (and since they're French they're crazily difficult and extremely hardcore and time consuming). Anyway, now I'm free from school work until the end of August. With other words, I'm back bitches! ;D_

_Thank you for sticking with me and I hope the wait hasn't been too painful! Just because of my long disappearing from the world of Fanfiction I'm posting an extra long chapter. Lots of love! Xx The Hannalizer_

* * *

><p><strong>I Don't Hate You<strong>

_**Chapter 12: A Desired Struggle**_

During her break she saw that she had gotten a message from Meredith.

_From Meredith (03:43 PM):_

_Think we should tell my friends soon. They haven't understood anything yet, but Alex is a pain. Tomorrow?_

_To Meredith (04:03 PM):_

_If we're telling your friends we should tell Derek too, right?_

_From Meredith (04:05 PM):_

_Idk :S_

Addison sighed. Yeah... Maybe it was better to wait a bit... On the other hand, it would be terrible if people found out through the grapevine. And by people she meant Derek.

~GA~

After the surgery she went to get Karev. The blackmailing had worked on her so he was back on her service.

"Have you done post-op?"

"Yes."

"Good," she approved and looked through a pile of papers, "then you can fill out these-"

"Already done, ma'am."

Addison lifted her eyebrows.

"Okay...," she said and crossed her arms. "Have you checked up on Mrs. Fernandez?"

"Twenty minutes ago."

"Very good, Karev," she said, frowning.

It was really impressive, actually, because he had done a lot. He must really enjoy his job... Or he felt guilty about his previous ways so he was trying to make it up to her. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad to have him after all.

"So... You and Meredith, huh?"

"Yep," she nodded. Not feeling entirely comfortable talking about her love life with him.

"Let's see... How can I use you?" she thought loudly, changing the subject. Wanting to send him away as quickly as possible. What was slaves for right?

Alex got a crooked smile, apparently misunderstanding what she'd meant. She gave him a stern look.

"Yeah... I can't come up with anything for you to do so you can go to the pit and make yourself useful until I page you."

"Oh, come on," he whined.

She tilted an eyebrow.

"Fine," he said and off he went.

She stayed there by the nurse's station, filled up some remaining charts.

Derek came.

"When Richard asked you to come out here, what did you use for bait?" he asked.

"He told me that I would have the foremost neonatal unit west of Manhattan," she answered a bit absentmindedly.

"Alright, he didn't say anything about being chief?"

He suddenly caught her attention. "Why? What do you know?"

"Nothing. I know what you know," he said, quickly walking away.

"You're lying!" she called after him.

~GA~

Meredith had a break and came and joined her in her office. She smiled and went to kiss her.

"You know what?" Addison said. "I think the Chief is stepping down."

"Yeah I know."

"What?"

"He was going to give it to Burke but now he's not sure," Meredith answered simply, as if it wasn't a big deal.

"Really? Why haven't you told me?" she asked quietly.

"Oh, Addie, I'm sorry, I didn't know you wanted to be Chief?"

"Of course I do. I'm a surgeon," she frowned. "And a highly qualified one... I'm gonna fight," she said, slipping into some kind of dream world of how the future could be. Her, sitting in Richard's chair...

Meredith kissed her, and she forgot all about being chief.

"Come here," she murmured and took her into her lap. She straddled her over the chair, she made her hands travel down her ass.

Meredith giggled.

"I'm sorry, I don't have time," she said, kissing her a couple of times as if to smother that flaw in kisses.

Addison pouted.

"When will I see you?"

"I don't know. Tonight, if we don't run into each other before that, I mean."

Addison nodded. "I will hang around the nurse's station just to catch you," she said.

"That's... strangely romantic," she laughed. "Oh, and by the way! Sloan said something about leaving today."

"He did?" Addison said, lifting her eyebrows and smiling contently. "Well, well... Not too shabby."

Meredith laughed. "Yeah, I guess you're right," she said.

"Another thing... How are we going to tell people... about us?"

"Uhm, as I see it, we have about three alternatives. We could make a scene in front of everyone so everyone knows at the same time. Or, we could tell just my friends first, or just Derek first... Or I don't know..."

"Wouldn't it be cruel to Derek if we made a scene?"

"Yep."

"Why don't we tell him and our close ones and then we can discuss making a scene?"

"Okay."

~GA~

After visiting a patient, sending of Karev once again, because she found it creepy to be near him, she was on her way to the nurse's station when she heard a conversation between Mark and Meredith.

They hadn't seen her, so she kept her distance and just listened in on them.

"You're quitting?" Meredith said, not looking up from her charts.

"As soon as I find the chief and hand him my letter of resignation."

"Why?" she smiled, she was totally mocking him.

"I hate it here. I hate the town, I hate the weather. I hate the people. They're mean, they're unforgiving."

"Aha," Meredith smiled even bigger. "The people of Seattle are unforgiving or are Derek and Addison?"

"Which is your point?"

She giggled and asked something else but there he was again... Karev.

"Dr. Montgomery," he said, taking a swift hold of her upper arm.

"Now is not a good time – Karev!" she protested as he pulled her into a cleaning closet. While in the closet she said "Karev, listen to me."

"No, you listen," he closed the door. "I kissed you. And you kissed me back and then had some horrible sex," he said and she took off her glasses. "Ever since you've been avoiding me."

She sighed. "Alex."

"No, you've been avoiding me because you just assume that I want you. You just expect that everyone you look at sideways are pining after you, right? Has it even occurred to you that maybe I'm not interested?"

She looked at him with surprise and shock... And maybe a little hurt? She hadn't expected that.

"You're not interested?" she asked insecurely.

"Do you think I just wanna be another intern sleeping with an attending?"

"But you wanted to?"

He chuckled. "You're my boss! I mean, what do you expect me to do?"

She hadn't got anything to say.

He sighed. "Look, Sloan's had me changing bandages all day and I would way rather be scrubbing in on one of your surgeries and if you keep avoiding me then I don't get to scrub in. So stop avoiding me! It happened, but it doesn't have to happen again. And I get the thing with you and Meredith, you've already got an intern to sleep with you, and I'm sorry for blackmailing you, but just stop avoiding me!"

She nodded. "Alright," she said and he left her there.

She let the shock settle and the message sink in before she went back to the nurse's station, where Meredith and Mark no longer were present. She took some charts and went to work, feeling oddly numb after Alex's speech.

After checking on a patient she went to her office with a cup of coffee. Just as she sat down on her comfy chair, Derek stormed in through the door seeming to have fury steaming out of his pores.

"Addison," he growled.

Oh, crap. He knew.

She stared at him with fright and slowly stood up.

"I just talked to Mark," he spat.

Oh, no...

"And apparently Meredith told him that the Chief is stepping down."

It was like the air in her lungs sipped out.

"She did?" she croaked.

"She gave him a reason to stay!"

Addison felt like fainting, which was strange. It was like she'd been holding her breath, or just forgot to breathe, and been so terrified that when she actually relaxed, her brain would want her to black out.

She sat down.

"Are you okay?" Derek asked her, finally noticing which kind of state she was in. "You're pale."

"It's nothing. I'm fine..."

Derek frowned slightly at her, and then he shrugged.

"I'm gonna go yell on Meredith now."

"No, don't yell on Meredith, Derek. She doesn't need you to yell," she said exasperatedly.

"Why do you care?"

Addison sighed. "You're really talking to her?"

"If it's on a yelling basis, then yes."

"You're immature," she muttered.

"Fine! I won't yell at her," he said and stormed out of there.

Always so dramatic that man.

She decompressed a bit. Feeling her heart slow down after her fright.

It wasn't until later, as she actually saw Mark that the news Derek had come with bothered her.

"Addison, you didn't tell me the Chief is stepping down," he said and smiled charmingly.

"No, why would I?"

Actually, she hadn't known, but if she had known she wouldn't have told him and there was no point in giving him the pleasure of knowing that she hadn't known either.

"Are you in the run for Chief too?" he asked.

"Why would you assume that I wouldn't be? But, you're leaving for New York. You're going home. So you have no reason to care, right?"

"Oh, I'm not going home now."

"Go home! You hate it here. Or I don't know, go to LA and be with Sam."

"Sam? I haven't talked to him in ages. Plus... They're running a private practice-"

"You know that we used to too?" She reminded him bitterly.

"Ah, but it's small... And here I can be the Chief."

"You're absurd."

~GA~

She began getting angry by the fact that Mark didn't seem to leave Seattle anymore. She didn't want him there. He was annoying and reminded her of things she didn't want to be reminded of. She wanted to start out fresh with Meredith.

How could she have told him that there was an opening for Chief of Surgery?

She needed to confront her with that. Get it out of her system.

She found her in a study room.

"Derek came to talk to me," Addison said as she stepped inside. "You told Mark?"

Meredith sighed.

"Not you too. Derek has already been here to yell at me, so you don't have to do it again. And as I told him, I didn't know that that was a secret."

"But Meredith... He was going to go back to New York...," she almost pleaded, as if Meredith could turn back time and change what has already been said and done.

"I'm sorry."

That response irritated her. It was as if Meredith didn't understand the gravity of the situation. She shook her head and pursed her lips.

"Whatever, forget it," she snarled and turned on her heels and walked out of there. She didn't want to speak to her anymore for the moment.

"Addison!" Meredith called after her but she ignored her.

~GA~

She met Burke outside of Richard's office. He lied about his reason to be there.

Derek joined them.

"What are you doing here?" he asked them, naturally assuming that he would be the one for the job.

He'd always been so egocentric.

"We're waiting to see the Chief," Burke answered.

"You too?" Derek directed the question toward her.

"Yes, Derek, both of us," she said sarcastically.

"You're unbelievable," he said coldly.

"I'm unbelievable? When the Chief steps down you automatically assume that it's between you and Burke?"

"You think he's gonna pick you?"

"Well the fact that he hasn't tapped one of you yet means that he has another candidate in mind."

"What? No one invited me to the party?" Mark said, joining them too.

The next thing that happened was that they saw the Chief. Derek started yelling Chief, Chief and Addison yelled, repeatedly that she had an appointment. Everyone talked in each others mouths.

"Stop, stop stop. One at a time here. You," he said to Mark. "What's all this about?"

"Well they all wanna be chief. And for the record, so do I."

They laughed at him. "Oh please," Burke said.

"All of you, I've had a perfect day. I went to the board this morning and told them I was retiring. I saved a life. And now I'm off to see my wife. It has been a perfect day until you four fools try to ruin it. A man can't be happy he's retiring around here! Not with you vaulters trying to pick my bones."

"I am retiring, but I do not know when that will be, because at this point I don't see any front runners. Excuse me," he finished and left.

They all followed him, shouting in each others mouths again.

They all sat down when the Chief had left, on the over-walk everyone feeling kind of stupid, trying to melt everything.

"He's really doing it."

"Hm," Derek agreed in a hum.

"He's really retiring," Addison thought aloud.

"One of us could be Chief," Mark said.

"No," Burke disagreed, pointing at Addison, Derek and himself, "one of _us_ could be Chief. You? I don't think so."

"Yeah," Derek said.

"Yeah," Addison repeated.

"Oh, I could be Chief," Mark protested.

"You're delusional," Derek said, shaking his head.

"Mark Sloan, Chief of Surgery... That makes me vomit a little in my mouth," Addison said and Derek and Burke laughed.

~GA~

When it was time to go home she went to the intern's locker room to find Meredith, since she hadn't come to her office to go get her.

Stevens and Yang was there, changing clothes.

"Excuse me," she said, trying not to look at them. "I just wondered if you've seen Grey?"

"Oh, she left already. She was supposed to give me a ride," Stevens said bitterly, "but she left."

"Oh, okay. Thank you. Have a good evening," she said before she left.

She pondered whether she'd dare to go home to Meredith. She had been there before, but it would equal as a risk to be seen by her friends.

She decided that she could take the chance. They were about to tell them anyway, so who cared?

She decided that sneaking in would be a better option. She couldn't know who were to open the door if she rang on the door bell or knocked.

She opened it as quietly as possible, then sneaked in and shut it as possible again.

She stopped and listened. There was noise coming out from the kitchen.

She removed her shoes silently and then tip-toed to the kitchen and peeked in, but quickly removed her head from view.

Shit, it was Alex and O'Malley.

She had to pass the kitchen. Meredith was probably upstairs.

She made a try to sneak past the kitchen and Alex saw her. He looked at her with surprised, questioning eyes. She put a finger to her lips and shook her head.

"Oh, what's that on the stove?" Alex suddenly said and O'Malley looked at it to see what he meant.

Addison could sneak by without O'Malley seeing something in the corner of his eye and realize who it was.

When she reached the stairs she heard Karev say "Oh, nothing, I must have been imagining things."

The stairs creaked a bit, so she tried to support as much of her weight as possible on the banisters. It reminded her of the time when she was a child and not wanting to let the Captain know that she heard him cheating on Bizzy.

She shook the thought out of her head. Her family was messed up, and here she was, breaking an entry. Pretty messed up too.

As she found the top floor she calmed down. The door was opened to Meredith's room.

She went there and stayed by the opening.

"You left without me," she stated as she saw how Meredith closed her wardrobe. She just looked at her. "Now you're not talking to me."

She sat down on the bed. Addison stayed where she was, looking at her feet.

She sighed. "I was a bitch. Sometimes girlfriends can be bitches, but it doesn't mean you stop talking to them," she said, waiting for Meredith to respond, but she didn't. "You get that I'm saying I'm sorry, right?"

"You yelled at me for no reason, and then you walked away and now you show up here."

"Of course I showed up. Why wouldn't I? You do trust me, don't you?"

"I do."

"Okay... Well this is how it works, sometimes you fight and then somebody say they're sorry."

"Well, how am I supposed to know that?" Meredith rolled her eyes.

Realization hit Addison. "You've never done this before! Then I mean the relationship thing in general, not the girl thing... You haven't even done this with a guy before, have you?"

"No, I've never done this before."

"Hm... Okay," she said walking over to her. "From now on you can expect that I'm going to show up even if I yell," she said and stroked her cheek. "Even if you yell. I'm always gonna show up. Okay?" she smiled.

"Okay," she smiled back.

Addison leaned down and kissed her, then kissed her on her forehead and pulled her into a hug.

"You are going to be an excellent Chief," Meredith said.

~GA~

In the morning she woke up by the sound of movement and rushing of the other interns in Meredith's house.

She opened her eyes reluctantly. Her girl was snoring beside her. It was adorable.

She snuggled close to her and wrapped her leg around her waist. Gave her a peck on her nose.

Meredith opened her eyes.

"Good morning gorgeous," Addison whispered.

Meredith smiled and stretched slightly, then pulled her even closer into the embrace.

Stevens suddenly barged in through the door.

"Meredith, we're gonna be late for rounds! Oh!" She suddenly exclaimed as she saw Addison, who jumped away from Meredith, trying to cover herself up as much as possible.

"I knew you couldn't be making all that noise yourself. I mean... Who has a vibrator that good?" she said.

"Izzie!" Meredith exclaimed.

George suddenly popped in his head as well.

"Oh my god," he just said and turned around, covering his eyes. "I did not just see that. I did not just see that... Did I?"

"Well," Addison said, standing up with the cover as a dress wrapped around her, "we were planning on telling you."

"Wow," Izzie said loudly. "I need some time to melt this... I mean... You...? Wow..."

"Yep," Addison said smugly, but Meredith looked angry.

"But why?" Izzie said, just not able to wrap her head around it.

"Out!" Meredith yelled.

"But for how long?" Izzie asked, ignoring Meredith's order.

"Out, out, out!" Meredith shouted, pushing her out of the room and slammed the door shut.

Addison laughed at her expression. She stood there with her back pressed against the door.

"Sometimes my room mates... Well, now you've met them when they're not pretending to be professional."

Addison chuckled.

"What?" Meredith said. "Why are you looking at me like that?"

Addison dropped the cover and walked over to her, completely naked. She reached out her hands toward Meredith who looked at her with stunned eyes.

Meredith let her remove the other cover that she had used as her own type of dress and it fell to the floor.

"We don't have time. I'm gonna be late," she giggled as Addison led her to the bed.

"We'll be quick," she said smugly. "And I can always talk to Richard for you."

"It's not him that I'm afraid of. It's Bailey."

"I can talk to her as well. Now be quiet," she said as she let her hands caress her body, kissing her shoulders, then her breasts, down to her stomach. As she reached her inner thighs the door opened again and now there was Alex standing there, looking surprised, then pleased.

"Well, well," he said. "Can I join in?"

Addison threw a pillow at him, not having anything to cover herself sufficiently with she didn't really care, however Meredith automatically covered her breasts with her hands.

"Shut the door!"

"You'll be late," Alex said, but leaving and shutting it behind him. "But I guess you don't care!" he shouted through the door.

"You think he'll stay and listen?" Addison whispered.

"Yeah, he might," she whispered back, biting her lip. "Does this bother you? I mean, the roommates being able to listen in to us?"

"Honestly? Not really," she answered mischievously.

"You dirty girl..."

~GA~

The Chief was at the nurse's station and being pretty much harassed by Burke and Derek. Addison observed them from a slight distance. Mark came standing by her side.

"Hey," he said, standing to observe the same scenery.

"Did you tell Derek about... you know?"

"No, of course not."

"Good."

"Aren't you gonna get in there?" he asked her. "If you wanna be chief, you've gotta fight with the big boys."

"Oh, I intend to fight like a girl. I'll let them kill each other and then I'll be the only one left standing."

"And then there's me," he reminded her.

She frowned at him.

"There you go, underestimating me again," he sighed.

"Oh, it's not that I underestimate you, it's just that I don't think about you. At all," she smiled.

"Why you should," he said and went to lick some ass.

As she watched him startle Derek and Burke, she didn't noticed when Meredith showed up at her side until she smelled a huff of a special lavender shampoo.

"I brought you coffee," Meredith said.

"Thanks," Addison said and smiled at her, inwardly having to fight off an impulse to lean in and kiss Meredith, as if it was something she'd gotten used to doing.

She took her hand in hers, hidden behind the desk. She rubbed her thumb gently over the skin.

"I'm on Derek's service today," Meredith told her, after taking a sip of her coffee. They both stared in front of them, not daring to look at each other because they probably would look far too ominously in love if they both held hands and looked deeply into each others eyes.

"Again," Addison stated.

"Yep."

"Do you want to be a neurosurgeon?"

"I don't know..."

"Do you want me to free you from him?" Addison asked her in a mumble, barely moving her lips, as if Derek or Mark or anyone else would be able to read lips.

"Thanks for the offer but I think it's gonna be-"

She quietened as Derek began walking toward them. They quickly let go of each others hand and shuffled to their sides, creating a bigger distance between them.

"Addison, why aren't you fighting to be Chief?"

"Oh, I am," she said smugly. "I'm just using my brain instead of my muscles."

Derek rolled his eyes and turned around to walk away. "Are you coming Dr. Grey," he said. It should have been a question but it didn't sound like one at all.

"Yes, Dr. Shepherd," Meredith said, and gave Addison a perplexed look before jogging after her attending.

Addison sighed, took her coffee and went to work.


	13. Dating and Stuff

_A/N: So, I've noticed (since I read every review I get very thoroughly) that many of you have been waiting for the actual date for Meredith and Addison. Personally, I'm not from a dating culture, we don't date, we... uhm, hang out? I mean, the thing with the roses and the going out to eat at restaurants and all that appear strange to me, so I didn't even think about it, that they should have a date, since their first one obviously failed. These are American girls, I am very aware of the fact, so I thought you have reason and they do deserve a date. But since I still think it's a bit awkward with the restaurant thing I decided to twist it, spice it up, whatever you like to call it. Anyway, I've probably written far too much so no one will read this but whatever! Here you go! Xx_

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><p><strong>I Don't Hate You<strong>

_**Chapter 13: Dating and Stuff**_

She was thinking about taking Meredith out to a really nice dinner or something. They hadn't had a chance for having a real date, so she wanted to take her out. But then she doubted that Meredith would really appreciate the fancy dinner type. That's more Addison's style.

"Karev..."

"Yes, Dr. Montgomery?"

"If I were to take Meredith out on the best date in her life, would it be a good or a bad idea to make it a really fancy dinner or what should I do?"

Karev put down the charts and stared at her for a moment. She blushed immediately and regretted ever asking him.

"Meredith is not that kind of a girl. But, I believe she understands you, so she'll get that you're just trying to appreciate her in your way."

Addison nodded, not feeling completely as embarrassed. Normally she didn't go around and spill her guts at everyone in her presence.

"But what would be in her way?" she asked, pushing the issue too far, probably.

Karev sighed.

"I don't know. She's gray. She's weird," he shrugged.

Addison nodded thoughtfully.

"Can't we just work? I mean, I didn't come here to listen to your problems, because then I could just go back to Sloan and fetch his dry-cleaning," he said, in a very and-that's-final kind of way.

She couldn't help but respect that.

~GA~

On her way to her office she walked by the room of a patient where she saw a beautiful looking doll house.

Izzie Stevens stepped out of the patient's room just as Addison stopped to examine the art work.

"Is, is that a-?" Addison said.

"Dollhouse? Yeah. The lights work and everything, it's the perfect little home," Stevens said, slightly rushed.

"Aw, did you ever have a dollhouse growing up?"

"I had sex last night," she said, and Addison teared her gaze away from the dollhouse, "with the wrong person. But the thing is, it didn't even feel wrong at the time it felt like something was falling into place."

Addison cleared her throat, removed her glasses and straightened her back.

"So what do I do?" Izzie asked.

"What am I? The go-to person for adultery?"

"No. I just... I just don't know what to do."

"You stop," she said and nodded to certify her own words. "That's what you do."

"Are you sure? I mean, how do you know that it didn't feel so right because... it's God's plan?"

Addison frowned.

"God wants you to be an adulterer?" she said slowly and with irony, crossing her arms.

Izzie shrugged. "God got a virgin pregnant by magic. God is not playing by the rules."

Touché.

~GA~

"I smell like poop," was the first thing Meredith told her when they met after work. She came directly to Addison's hotel room, since she'd been caught up in surgery longer than expected.

"I've made reservations," Addison told her, looking up from a magazine to see Meredith kick off her shoes.

"You what? Oh, Addie, I'm tired and my back hurts. My neck hurts. Everything hurts. I smell like someone literally crapped on me because 007 teared to hard again and... feces... everywhere...," she said and shivered.

"I thought you were with Derek?" Addison said, surprised when she realized Meredith was talking about general surgery.

"I got out of it."

"But you love neuro..."

"Yes, but I don't love Derek," she smiled. "So I traded with Izz, it wasn't a big deal."

"I hope this won't make you change your plans about your specialty."

"Firstly, I haven't made up my mind yet, and secondly, no of course not, I won't let you and Derek and everything effect my decision."

"Good."

They kissed briefly.

"You do smell like poop," Addison said, wrinkling her nose.

"Told you," Meredith snickered.

"Take a shower, and then I have a surprise for you."

Meredith wrinkled her nose, as if the word surprise scared her.

Addison smirked. "Just let me do this for you, and then you'll get lot's of hot sex afterward."

"Do what?" Meredith asked suspiciously.

"Don't think about that, just go take your shower."

~GA~

When Meredith came out of the bathroom Addison seemed to be ready to go somewhere. She had put some clothes on the bed for Meredith.

"Where are we going?"

"You'll see."

The clothes were Meredith's normal clothes. A pair of jeans and a shirt. Addison figured it would reassure Meredith that they weren't wearing any fancy clothes. No pressure that is.

"Can I watch you while you get dressed?" Addison asked slyly.

Meredith smiled crookedly and let her towel fall off of her and slowly put on the pair of panties Addison had put there for her. Addison watched her, unknowingly biting her lip. It began itching in her body and as Meredith took the bra from the bed, Addison just had to stop her and dived quickly in to kiss her breasts before they were to get caged up under the fabric.

"Aren't we supposed to go somewhere?" Meredith breathed.

"Yes, we are," Addison said, but didn't interrupt her treatment of her breasts.

Her tongue circled her nipple, forcing Meredith to breathe raggedly. Then, without warning, she let her teeth graze around the hardened bud. She licked and then sucked.

"Can't we just take... Two or three hours before we go?" Meredith gasped.

"No," Addison smiled and pulled away slowly.

But even as she pulled away her face from her, looking intently into her eyes, she let her hand glide down along the dented line which followed from her chest down to her belly button. She let her hand slip inside her panties and Meredith parted her legs willingly. Her fingers slipped inside her and her thumb stroke gently her clit. Addison found it fascinating that her pupils dilated as she caressed her.

"Why are you smiling?" Meredith asked.

"You're beautiful," she said, kissed her and then pulled away for real.

Meredith pouted.

"You're gonna have to make that up to me later."

"Don't worry. I promise," Addison said and winked at her.

~GA~

"Where are we?" Meredith asked as she, blindfolded, was lead inside a building.

Addison untied the scarf Meredith had around her head and said "you can look now."

Meredith let out a gasp. "A spa center?"

"And we're all alone."

"Really?"

"Yes. We're gonna swim naked in natural mineral water. We're gonna sit in the sauna and then we'll get full body massages. And we'll be accompanied by strawberries and champagne during our whole stay."

"But... How...?"

"Don't worry," Addison said and led her to the room where they could undress. "I wanted to take you out on a real date."

"But you could just take me out as a normal person and not, I don't know, rent a whole spa!"

"Just let me pamper you and stop complaining."

"Fine," Meredith tried to pout, but her smile ruined it.

They decided to start off with the sauna, after a quick shower of course, and there they stayed until the heat started to make them sick. They got in to the cool water. Naked. They laughed and splattered the water in each others faces. The water was kind of salty and it pricked their skin, quickly creating bubbles that clung to them. Not like normal water.

"I like this very much," Meredith said and then got on her back to float some. Addison scooped her up with one arm under her knees and the other one around her shoulder blades, and Meredith giggled happily.

Addison twirled them around a bit and the water sploshed around them.

"This makes me feel strangely manly," Addison remarked and laughed.

"Are you going to carry me over the threshold one day?" Meredith asked, and then realized how loaded her question was and her eyes widened with fright.

Addison put her down and gave her a kiss. "You want me to?"

"I might hurt your back. I know I'm tiny but you're not so big yourself."

"Are you kidding me? Of course I can carry you, but the question is, do you want to be carried? Really? Because the Meredith I know wouldn't want to be carried or lead anywhere. The Meredith I know is strong and can walk over a damn threshold on her own."

Meredith's eyes teared slightly up.

"I love you," she whispered. "And I think this is the best date I've ever had."

Addison lifted her arms and stroke away some wet strands of hair that were glued to her face. She then cupped Meredith's face in her hands.

"The date have hardly started, and for the record, I think you are amazing Meredith. You are amazing as an aspiring surgeon, you are an amazing woman, and you're driving me crazy. How am I supposed to work with someone that makes me feel so many things? Just look at you... You're beautiful. You have the most perfect imperfections I've ever seen. I love the way you snore, the way you fumble with your words, the way you sometimes chew with your mouth open and the way your tiny nose wrinkles when you sigh. I love all these parts of you. I love all of you. I love you."

Meredith looked at her with big, watery eyes and then suddenly turned away from her and bit her lip, closing her eyes hard.

"What is it?" Addison asked, putting a hand on her shoulder.

"Nothing," Meredith croaked. "It's nothing. Maybe I've just caught an eye infection or something..."

Addison smiled and leaned in to Meredith, kissed her neck, which tasted salty by the water, and then let her tongue slightly whisk along the length of her ear. She shuddered and turned to face her.

"You're crying," Addison remarked softly as Meredith put her hands behind her neck and Addison answered by naturally putting hers around her waist.

"No, I'm not."

Addison lifted an eyebrow and Meredith rolled her eyes.

"Okay, I am. But I usually don't," she said as if she had to explain herself.

"I know," Addison whispered and let her hands slide up along her back and then around to cup her breasts.

Meredith shuddered again and Addison rubbed her thumbs over her hardening nipples.

"Here?" Meredith whispered, as if they couldn't make love right there, or that the thought excited her.

"No."

"No?"

Meredith looked confused and Addison smiled contently.

"I'm gonna tease you all night," she said slowly, "until we get home, where I'm gonna make you cum so hard that you won't be able to walk," she whispered against her ear, making her shiver again.

~GA~

After their spa evening they went home to Meredith. They assumed that everyone had gone to bed already, but just as Addison were taking off her shoes Meredith hushed her and whispered excitedly "listen!" and Addison stopped in mid-air and they both listened without moving a hair.

There definitely was some moaning going on.

Addison's mouth fell open and she looked at Meredith with shocked, bewildered eyes.

"Is that... Is that Izzie?" Meredith whispered.

"I think so," Addion answered and then suddenly remembered what Stevens had told her earlier that day.

"I think Izzie is sleeping with someone she shouldn't be sleeping with," Addison added.

"What? Who? How do you know?"

"She asked me for advice about it today, but I have no idea who it might be."

"George maybe? Alex?"

Addison shrugged.

"Wanna go find out?" Meredith proposed kind of kinkily.

Addison suppressed a laugh and nodded, just as Izzie's moans transformed into loud shouts of "yes" and "oh my god".

The sounds were coming from the livingroom and they went sneakily in to see who the man might be.

The dark in the room didn't permit them to see the features easily. Addison walked further into the room and saw that the doggy style was being practiced. The man had his back against her and Izzie was turned away from her.

"Oh fuck yes!" Izzie shouted and in that moment Addison recognized the man. She turned around and hit the light button.

The two screamed out of surprise.

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><p><em>Too be continued...<em>


	14. Love Makes Things Complicated

**I Don't Hate You**

_**Chapter 14: Love Makes Things Complicated**_

"Mark Sloan!" Addison yelled.

"Addison!"

"What the fuck is your problem? Do you really have to screw everything that moves?"

"Uhh," he just said.

"How could you?" Addison shouted, embarrassingly enough feeling tears, full of rage, threaten to drop like bombs.

"It's not any of your business. We're both adults, we can do whatever we want," Izzie said.

"It is my business!"

"Not in my house," Meredith said. She'd been quiet the whole time and Addison hadn't paid attention to her. "And especially not on my couch. Get the hell out."

"Are you throwing me out?" Izzie asked, suddenly looking small.

"Yes. No. I don't know. Just get out," Meredith said, her tiny fists were shaking of controlled rage and she seemed to be biting the inside of her lip.

"Can I at least get my stuff?"

"I don't give a damn. It's disgusting and it's disrespectful and I just don't want to see you right now. Goodnight," Meredith said and turned on her heels and started walking up to her bedroom.

Addison stayed a moment after her. Her arms crossed and looking at Izzie and Mark sharply. They didn't say anything to excuse themselves. Addison let out a sigh and followed Meredith up the stairs.

She closed the door behind her. Meredith sat hunched on the bed.

Addison let out a sigh. "Wow, that was... strange. Yet hardly surprising."

"Yeah, I guess," Meredith said.

"But don't you think you were a little harsh with Izzie?"

"No," Meredith snarled.

Addison frowned. "O-kay... Is there something you want to talk to me about? Is there something going on with you and Izzie?"

"No," Meredith sighed. "I just want to sleep."

"Okay, are you sure? I mean... I did give you a promise..."

"I'd like a rain check if you don't mind. But thank you for today Addie. It was amazing," she smiled and seemed to ease up a bit.

"Your welcome honey," she answered softly and climbed into bed with her.

~GA~

The next morning by the nurse's station Addison couldn't help but notice that Derek was eying her. Staring at her. She tried to ignore him, until it got so annoying that she gave him a glare.

"You have a hickey," Derek remarked mockingly.

"Oh." For a moment she thought Derek could see who would have made the red mark and her palms immediately began to moisten.

"Who's the lucky guy?" Derek asked, throwing his smoldering and sunny smile at her face.

"You don't know him," she mumbled and rubbed her ear unconsciously and insecurely.

"I hope it isn't Mark," he said darkly.

"God no."

"Good."

He nodded. There was an awkward silence between them.

"So, how long have you two been...?"

"Not long. Not long at all."

"Okay."

As of divine intervention Meredith walked into the room. She leaned against the door frame and smiled greatly at her.

"Hi."

"Hi," both Derek and Addison said.

"So, uhm, I was just going to ask you if you were going to check on the triplets?" Meredith asked uncomfortably, her gaze switching between Addison's face to Derek's.

"Yeah, I'll come right away," Addison said.

"Great," Meredith breathed and smiled a too big smile to be her.

Derek frowned.

Addison's palms began to sweat again.

"I'll see you later, Dr. Grey," Addison said and tilted her eyebrows meaningfully.

"Oh, right," Meredith said, "bye Derek," she added out of courtesy and left them.

Addison left out a silent sigh. But her relief was short lived because Derek said "What are you doing with Meredith?"

She stared at him with frightened eyes. "What do you mean?" she asked, her voice very pitched.

"I... I don't know, it seems strange to me. She seems to like you very much."

"Uh, yeah, you know, work and we're working, she's my intern and she like neonatal I guess so...," she said, rambling, wishing that Derek would interrupt her because she didn't think she would be able to stop talking out of nervousness.

"But you are friends?"

Addison hesitated.

"I don't know if I'm totally okay with it, but I guess it's good for you," he said before she got the opportunity to come up with something to answer. "Even though it might seem strange for me as the ex of both of you, I do recognize that it's better that you're friends than hating each other as one could expect."

Addison just nodded.

"Thanks, I guess. It sounds a bit like a blessing."

"I can read you you know. I know you very well, Addie. You don't have to hide your friendship with her in font of me, because for one you can't lie to me and for two it's not something I would oppose to."

"Okay. That's very sweet of you," she said, her voice feeling strangely suffocated as if she had a pressure around her throat.

~GA~

"Okay, I have like fifteen minutes to spare," Meredith said as she tugged her shirt off in the on-call room.

Addison kissed her neck and then down to her breasts and brushed the straps of her bra off of her shoulders.

"We'll be quick," she reassured her.

Meredith sighed contently as Addison sucked on her hardened nipple and pulled her fingers through her hair.

The door opened. They had forgotten to lock it and they both let out a shriek of surprise. Meredith hid her chest with her arms.

But it was only Mark.

"Mark! Get out," Addison growled.

He winked at her. "Sorry ladies, better remember to lock the door if anyone else would like to sleep," he said, emphasizing his last word with deep irony.

"Out," Addison repeated.

"I'm going," he rolled his eyes and walked out of there.

Addison locked the door immediately.

"Oh my... What is going on with the world?" she asked herself and Meredith laughed at her.

Then Meredith realized something. "I'm gonna go ask McSteamy about more time!"

"What?"

"He owe me since yesterday. I want more than fifteen minutes with you," she said and pressed herself urgently to her. She gave her a demanding kiss and Addison could feel rays of shivering pleasure stram from out of the places where Meredith touched her, which felt like everywhere. Her panties moistened quickly and her legs became weak.

Meredith let go of her and she pouted while watching her put on her scrub shirt again before going after Mark.

Addison waited for a moment, then the curiosity became greater than her will and she peeked out only to see that Derek was beside Mark and Meredith. This horrendous sight made her gasp and with her shocked sound Derek looked over at her. He lifted his eyebrows and then he frowned.

It would be too weird to stay in her hiding place, peeking out of the on-call room that is, so she tried to gather herself and straighten her back, walking over to the group.

"Oh she's just really tired too," Meredith just said, seeming to answer a question from Derek Addison hadn't heard. "So anyway, Dr. Sloan, can I please have another half an hour or so? Because I'm basically a walking corpse now and I've already changed the bandages of Mr Stein and I've seen to the burns of Mrs Ferratio. They won't be needing any attention until at least 2 o'clock, otherwise I'll just be one page away. Plus you owe me," she added a bit hushed.

"Why do you owe her?" Derek asked Mark, who looked shamefully at his feet.

"Uhm..."

"Tell him Mark," Addison said gleefully, glad to direct the attention elsewhere from the fact that Meredith and Addison would be having a nap at the same time in the same on-call room.

"They caught me having sex with Izzie Stevens last night," Mark mumbled, avoiding Derek's gaze.

"You're unbelievable," he said, shaking his head and smiling disbelievingly. "Was it any good?"

"Derek!" Addison gasped.

"What? She's not hard to look at," he justified himself.

"Well, yeah," Mark said. "But I've had better."

"I really don't want to have this conversation," Addison mumbled uncomfortably and crossed her arms over her chest.

"Wait a minute," Derek said. "You said they," he said to Mark. "Who are they?"

"It was Meredith and A-," Mark started to say but Meredith interrupted him.

"And Alex," she said, saving the situation.

"Aha," Derek said, not looking entirely convinced as if he could see there was something strange going on, but without being able to put his finger on what that actually was.

"So... Can I have a longer break?" Meredith asked Mark again.

"Yes," he said.

"Thank you. And I'm not fetching your dry-cleaning later."

"Yes," he repeated.

"We've agreed then," Meredith said and went to the on-call room.

"I like seeing Mark Sloan following orders by an intern," Derek said appreciatively, following Meredith with his gaze. Addison couldn't help but feel a bit disgusted by the way his gaze got stuck on her ass.

When Meredith disappeared out of sight Derek frowned again.

"Were you also going to sleep?" he asked her.

"Uh, yeah. I have a surgery later and I'm exhausted so I'm just gonna take a little power nap."

"It doesn't bother you that Meredith's there?"

"No, not at all. It's fine," she said, trying to look indifferent. "I don't have much time so I'm gonna go now and just go to bed and sleep. See you later guys."

"See you."

After getting inside the on-call room she locked the door and let out a huge sigh of relief.

"You don't think Derek's suspecting something?" she asked her.

"No, I don't think he even can imagine the two of us," Meredith answered and began immediately to undress Addison.

"You don't?" she breathed as Meredith pulled down the zipper of her skirt.

"I'm gonna make you cum so hard," Meredith said as she roughly released her skin from clothing.

All thoughts of Derek immediately disappeared. With mesmerized eyes she watched Meredith smile at her mischievously before pushing her onto the bed, where she remained seated as Meredith kneeled in front of her.

She kissed her thighs and teased her until she was dripping wet and had to control herself not to scream in frustration. Then Meredith dived in and ate her out without mercy. Her tongue flicked over her clit and just as she came close she added her fingers into the mixture which made her come without warning. She had to control herself not to scream and managed to only squeal a bit, but her body twisted and then collapsed, exhausted, on the bed.

"Fuck, I love you so much."


	15. The Bridge Is Broken

_A/N: Hey guys! I'm sorry the previous chapter was pretty short, but it was because I didn't want to have "two subjects" in one chapter you know. I've seen that many have alerted this story, and some of you also me as an author, and I would like to know what made you continue reading this story? What makes you want to keep reading it? I would be very happy of your answer, so please review both this chapter of course and include the answer of my question there! :D Love y'all!_

* * *

><p><strong>I Don't Hate You<strong>

_**Chapter 15: The Bridge Is Broken**_

"I brought you coffee," Meredith said cutely. She was so pretty and doing all these wonderful gestures.

"Thank you, hon-," Addison began but interrupted herself because she saw a perplexed gaze from Derek.

She leaned in to whisper in her ear. "I think we better tell Derek before he's finding out on his own."

"Yeah."

"Thank you very much, Dr. Grey," Addison said theatrically and loudly.

"No problem," she said, smiled and went back to the pit where she had to work that day.

She followed her back with her gaze, putting her lips to the coffee cup. When she disappeared out of sight she went to her office to get some paper work down before her following surgery. The blinds of her office were still closed because she hadn't bothered to open them since the last time she had made love to Meredith there.

She sat down on her chair and enjoyed the fresh memory while sipping on her coffee. Just when she was about to start working someone knocked on the door.

"Come in," she said, taking another sip of the coffee.

It was Derek.

"What do you think you're doing?" he asked her and locked the door behind him.

"Wha-what are you talking about?" she said and stood wearily up.

"With Meredith."

"I don't know what you mean."

He rolled his eyes.

"I'm not an idiot, Addison. Always when I see you she's giving you coffee or whatever and when I see her you always come out of nowhere to talk to her about a patient and now you're even sharing on-call rooms. So what the hell is going on between you two? Is this some kind of revenge? A sick revenge where the ex-wife become friends with the ex-girlfriend?"

"No, it's not about revenge, Derek," Addison tried.

"Then what is it about?"

"I... We..."

"You could at least be honest with me. Why can't you explain this to me? What is so hard?"

"Nothing!" she tried but didn't have time to figure out something better to say.

"What reason do you even have to be around her? I thought you hated her!"

"No, I've never hated her."

He snorted and took a moment to turn around and collect himself so he wouldn't lash out on her. He looked at her with furious eyes.

"Why are you doing this?" he asked.

"Actually, it's none of your business. Everything isn't about you. Meredith and I might be friends, but that has nothing to do with you, so it's definitely not about revenge."

"Of course it's my business! You're my ex-wife for fuck's sake!"

"Yeah! _Ex_-wife!" she emphasized. "So, my life has nothing to do with yours now and you should just stop fooling yourself with the belief that you have any right to meddle with mine! I'm a completely separate person from you now, and so is Meredith."

"So is Meredith," he repeated bitterly. "What happened to the Dr. Grey? Why are you hiding these things from me?"

She didn't answer.

Her phone beeped.

They glared at each other in silence.

"Look at it," he urged her.

"I can do it later."

"No, you do it now."

She reached down to the pocket of her lab coat to take the phone and just as she saw that the message came from Meredith Derek snatched the phone out of her hand.

"No! Give it back! You have no right!"

He turned his back on her to read the message without her being able to take it back even though the panic made her try to use violence.

Then he suddenly froze and the phone dropped to the floor. It all was like in slow motion.

Addison didn't move. She saw how parts of the phone scattered, the battery fell out. But she didn't care. She didn't care about what Meredith had written. It could have been anything revealing, all from finishing with "kisses" or "love you" to going on a date or where they should spend the night. It didn't matter, because she knew that he now understood. That all the pieces had been put together.

That she'd fucked it up.

The time of silence and not moving, not even breathing, seemed to last for ages.

She had to break it, but it took a great effort just to find her tongue and form a word in her mouth, to even form the very sound in her throat.

"Derek," she managed to breathe.

"Don't speak," he breathed.

She wondered if she should leave him alone or try to talk to him. Or no, she couldn't leave him alone. Not like this.

"This is not real," he said very calmly.

She didn't know what to do and just waited.

"I didn't read it right, right? It's a joke?" he said and looked at her.

Her facial expression told him right away that it wasn't a joke and he turned away from her, covering his face in his hands.

"Derek," Addison sighed and tried to put her hand on his shoulder, but he shrugged her away.

"I'm trying to be calm."

He was slightly shaking, his knuckles were white and his back was rigid.

"How long Addison? How long have you been fucking her?" he asked slowly.

"Let me explain," she tried.

He finally faced her. "How long?" he repeated, his words trembling with controlled rage.

"Since February," she answered truthfully, her voice was small.

His eyes widened. "She cheated on me for a month," he stated.

"I know," she whispered.

He lift his arm as if to hit her, and she automatically lifted her arms to protect her face, but he dropped his arm and began walking toward the door without another word.

"Derek, let's talk about this," she sniffled.

He turned around to face her. His eyes were empty, as if containing his shock, hurt and anger deep inside, behind a thick shield, not permitting her to catch any emotion at all.

"What do you want me to say?" he said quietly and tonelessly. His words seeming to be an effort for him.

She tried to find the right words to say, but realized there weren't any. She sighed in an exasperated way, as if the air just fled her lungs.

"I'm sorry," she whispered.

He turned away to go and opened the door, but stopped halfway out and without turning around he said evenly "I hate you. I've never hated anyone so much as I hate you right now."

"I didn't mean to," she said with a plea in her voice she didn't manage to cover up. "I didn't do this to hurt you. You have to believe me. Please..."

"How the hell can you fuck someone without meaning to?" he practically growled.

She didn't answer right away.

"I love her, Derek," she finally said quietly.

His back straightened as he drew a shuddering breath and then left, slamming the door shut behind him.

She stared at the door, not able to believe what had happened, nor how to solve it.

When her mind had restarted itself she realized that she should warn Meredith before Derek gets her. And God knows what he would do to her.

She quickly paged her, but she wasn't patient enough to wait for her to respond and decided to go to the pit and look for her.

She half-ran to the pit and the way there felt really long. She started crying as she hurried and didn't care about the people that stared. She turned a corner and someone swooped her up with his arms.

"Addison! What is going on?" Mark asked her with shock.

He put away the charts he was carrying and stroke away her tears.

Some people could look beautiful when crying. Addison wasn't one of them.

"I'm sorry, you shouldn't have to see me like this."

He shook his head. "Tell me."

"Derek knows," she said and started crying hard. "I- ha-have to- f-f-find Mer-edith," she sniffled almost incomprehensibly.

"Oh," he needed a couple of seconds to process these news. "How did he take it?"

She glared at him.

"Why did I even ask," he grumbled for himself.

"I ha-have- to find h-her," she said and didn't even bother to listen to his response and darted away through the corridors.

When she arrived to the pit she wasn't crying as much anymore, even though her eyes were horribly red and watery, so no one could miss the state she was in.

She didn't see Meredith right away but Stevens approached her.

"Dr. Montgomery, are you crying?" was the first thing she said.

"No," she answered dismissively.

Stevens looked as though she wanted to get something off her chest.

"I'm so sorry about last night, that was totally inappropriate and it won't happen again."

She couldn't care less.

"Have you seen Meredith?"

Stevens looked surprised, as if she thought she would have been crying over the fact that Mark was a manwhore but she was just one of the many girls he screwed. It didn't interest her at all, but for some reason Stevens seemed to think it should.

"Uhm, yeah, she's over there, getting a blood sample or something," she said and pointed toward a closed hospital curtain.

"Thank you," she said and pasted on a fake smile for politeness sake.

"Meredith?" she asked when she arrived by the curtain, she didn't want to just pull it aside, since it would be disrespectful toward the patient.

"Addison?" came the answer and Meredith pulled away the curtain. "Oh my God, what's wrong?" she asked when she saw that she'd been crying, which of course set off another stream of tears.

Meredith began taking off her plastic gloves and excused herself to the patient. She led her out of the pit to go outside where the ambulances arrived. There they sat down on the curb, since it wasn't drenched in rain water for once.

"What's going on?" Meredith asked, after giving her time to collect herself.

"Derek knows."

Meredith's eyes widened.

"He didn't take it well at all," Addison continued.

"Did you really expect him to take it well?" she frowned.

"No I guess not," she sighed. "But it could have been better. I mean, if we would have talked to him maybe-"

"He'd freak out anyway. There's no point in talking about would, and could, and should," Meredith reasoned, waving around with a stick she'd found on the ground.

"You're right," Addison said and took away the stick from her hand and threw it away.

Meredith glared playfully at her, but then said more seriously: "So... What do we do about it?"

"I don't know..."

"Let's avoid him," Meredith said simply.

"Avoid him," Addison repeated in a breath, looking straight a head, as if the idea hadn't stricken her. Then she shook her head and looked at Meredith. "Avoid him? Are you serious?"

"Yes. We'll avoid him, but if we do have to talk to him we'll just act completely normal as if nothing's changed."

"And what if he acts out? What if he's a total dickhead? I guess I wouldn't be surprised, but nevertheless..."

Meredith kissed her cheek and then went close to her ear and mumbled "stop being so bitter. Who cares about Derek... He's got his problems and he needs to process this."

"Yeah," she sighed. "But the question is how we're going to handle him?"

"We just try to stay out of it, to give him time. He'll need time. I needed time after you showed up, but this is even worse so-"

"Why would it be worse?" Addison frowned. "We're not cheating on anyone. I betrayed Derek and then Derek betrayed me and most importantly you, because you didn't even know that he was married. I would say that's worse."

"Yes, if you talk about moral. But if you talk about feelings... I mean, isn't it just ethics? Moral, ethics? How moral and ethical is our situation? He feels betrayed by us both, not by cheating, but it's more an emotional betrayal. And maybe that's the worst betrayal of all."

"I feel sorry for him," Addison mumbled almost incoherently.

They were quiet for a moment, contemplating their situation and having a silent minute for Derek's heart.

"What did you text me before?" Addison eventually asked.

Meredith thought a bit.

"Uhm, just that you are beautiful and that I think we would have had the best sex of my life if we hadn't been interrupted by Izzie and McSteamy. I guess that's what he saw? Poor guy," she smiled crookedly and didn't seem to mean it at all.

"Yeah," Addison said and let out a laugh. "Poor guy." It was so ironical that Derek found out about Mark and Stevens at the same time as he found out about his exes.

"I know!" she laughed, making Addison smile. "That's so brutal," she continued laughing and stroked away some tears. It was hard to say if it was tears of sadness or happiness. Maybe a mixture of them both.


	16. Chain Reaction

_A/N: Omg, this took so much time to write. I'm pleased with it in the end though. What do you think? Btw, the following chapter is gonna be a shocker.._

* * *

><p><strong>I Don't Hate You<strong>

_**Chapter 16: Chain Reaction**_

The following days they didn't see Derek anywhere. Addison asked the chief about it and apparently he had gone to New York to do some major surgery on a patient that couldn't be moved. How true this statement was she did not know and she didn't think one surgery would take several days, even though he'd had to do the follow up.

Addison had been sleeping over at Meredith's place the last days, but the hospital didn't know yet about them. They wanted to clear it up with Derek before making it official.

~GA~

"I hate this morning," Addison said as soon as she opened her eyes.

"How come?" Meredith murmured, rolling to her side and put her hand on her shoulder.

"I don't know. Everything sucks."

"Why?" Meredith breathed, smacking her lips sleepily.

"I don't know... PMS I guess... Sometimes I hate being a woman," she said and kissed her girlfriend on the forehead before getting out of bed.

Just as she put her feet to the floor she heard Meredith pull a breath. She turned around and looked at her.

"What is it?" she asked.

"Nothing," Meredith breathed and smiled reassuringly. "It's nothing."

Addison shrugged, said "Kay," and gave her a kiss on her forehead before going to the bathroom.

While peeing she asked Meredith through the door "Do you think Derek will show up to work today?"

"I don't know, maybe?"

"I mean, he should be there, because we have an important meeting today with everyone who wants to become Chief."

"If he's not there he won't get it?"

She flushed the toilet before answering. "I don't know, it should mean that, but you know Derek, he could just wave around with his perfect hair and he would get chief anyway."

She took a quick shower and brushed her teeth and dried her hair. When she got out of the bathroom Meredith was already done, sitting on the bed and waiting for her.

"Addison, I have to talk to you about something...," Meredith began.

"Uhm, I'm a bit in a hurry. Are you going with me or Cristina to work?" Addison said while attaching her watch to her wrist.

"Cristina," Meredith answered.

"Okay," Addison said and gave her a quick kiss before taking her purse. "You'll find me at the hospital if you need to talk, okay?"

"Yeah, I'll see you later," Meredith said after Addison's back as she hurried out.

~GA~

At work Addison had two surgeries to do before the board meeting. Afterward she didn't have time to see Meredith and after lunch she had to practice before the meeting, so she stayed in the staff room where they had coffee in the mornings and used the mirror that hung there.

She fixated her reflexion and concentrated herself deeply.

"Good afternoon board," she said, testing the effect of taking off her glasses at the right timing.

She put them back on.

"Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen of the board. I'm so," she took off the glasses, "grateful for this opportunity."

"Don't wear the glasses," Mark suddenly said. He had been observing her and she hadn't even noticed him there. "You fiddle with them, it makes you look indecisive. And stop stressing it will be like any other job interview; what do you consider your strengths, what do you consider your weaknesses...," he said and realized he didn't even have the answer to that question. "What _do_ you consider your weaknesses?"

She turned away from the mirror to look at him properly.

"I don't have any. I'm that good. What are yours?"

"I'm an easy mark for evil redheads," he said and began walking out of there.

She followed him.

"Aha! Trust me, you have other weaknesses. Obviously," she said, standing in front of him and leaning against the counter of the nurse's station, "you are a manwhore."

"Correction, I was a manwhore."

"Has Izzie Stevens changed that? Oh please, Mark, grow up."

"Well, so, okay I'm trying not to be a manwhore. A man can change right."

"Hm... No. Men are incapable of change."

"That's mean. And unfair!"

"That's why I chose neonatal."

He rolled his eyes and she turned her back on him and left.

~GA~

When it was time for the meeting with the board, Derek was there. Her heart jumped a few beats when she saw him and her first reaction was wanting to flee the scene. But she stayed, of course.

"Hi Derek."

"Dr. Montgomery," he said without looking at her.

Okay fine, be that way, she thought angrily but decided not to speak to him anymore.

They were sent in one by one to discuss their visions for the hospital, but they weren't to know anything about the thoughts of the board.

When she came out of the conference room where the board currently was installed, she realized that Derek had waited for her. He had already had his individual meeting so there couldn't be any other reason for him to stay outside of the room.

She didn't know what to say and waited for him to speak, looking him bravely and directly into his eyes.

"Do you have time to talk?" he asked, his face hard-set and the phrase sounded like he had rehearsed it in his head a couple of times before actually pronouncing it.

Addison nodded and hoped that he couldn't see her fright. She was ashamed of being scared. The strong and independent Addison wasn't an afraid person, but when looking into his acrid gaze she wondered if going somewhere with him would be a wise decision.

He started walking without another word. Even though she was in doubt she followed him and he closed the door behind them in an on-call room.

He looked at her. She wanted him to speak, but she couldn't make herself look at him, so she looked at everything else in the room instead.

"Stop fidgeting," Derek said, after casting a sharp look at her behavior.

She stopped moving. Maybe she even stopped breathing while waiting for him to make the first move.

He sat down on the lower bed while Addison remained on her feet. He suddenly looked old.

"Addison. You know me. You know that I usually yell when I'm angry and you know that when I stopped loving you I didn't care enough to yell at you."

"Yes," she breathed. "Go ahead, yell," she said.

"I don't know if I will. Not yet at least."

"Okay," she said and waited for him to speak.

"I would say," he seemed to choose his words carefully, "that this thing you've done might be the worst thing anyone has ever done to me. Maybe not as bad as killing my father... But since you both have known me as intimately as one can and you betrayed me in the worst possible way... You're god damn close."

She held her breath.

"I need you to tell me, Addie. I want you to explain."

"What do you want to know?" she asked breathlessly.

"How...," he started, the words seeming like an effort, "did this happen?"

She didn't answer.

"I think I deserve to know, and I want to know, even if I won't like it. But if you think I'll give you my blessing you're wrong."

"I wouldn't expect that from you," she said quickly and tried to make her voice sound soft instead of nervously pitched and sharp.

"I need to know."

She looked into his eyes, trying to measure his sincerity and to find out if he really was ready to be told.

"I'm ready," he almost snorted and rolled his eyes at her. It was almost creepy how well he still could read her.

"Well okay," she sighed. "We... Uhm, it's hard to say. For my part, I think I fell in love," – by these words Derek twitched involuntarily – "during the time when Meredith and I tried to be friends."

"Are you telling me it's my fault?" he lifted an eyebrow.

"No, of course not."

He looked as if he wanted to start his shouting at this point but changed his mind and made a waving movement with his hands. "Just go on," he mumbled.

"We didn't actually do anything until after our divorce," she tried to reassure him, but forgot a tiny... enormous detail.

Derek's eyes suddenly looked like there was a thunder storm going on inside of them.

She realized her mistake far too late and he got up to his feet as if he were shot.

"You were fucking Meredith while I was together with her!" he exploded.

She tried to back away from him, but just hit the cool wall with her back.

"You're the reason she broke up with me!"

Addison's fear was replaced by annoyance in a flash and she rolled her eyes agitatedly.

"Come on, don't flatter yourself. _She_ is the _only_ reason shebroke up with you!"

He didn't seem to care about her comment.

"Couldn't you satisfy yourself with just ruining our marriage? Why do you have to destroy my whole life?"

"We're not teenagers. This isn't all about you. No one would-"

"You and I, we were trying so hard to make it work," he cut her off. "I gave her up for you," he said, raising his voice. "I didn't mean for you to take her over!"

"I didn't take her over. How can you even say that? She's not a charity case," Addison said, getting quite cross even though she still sensed the clear danger from Derek. "And she has a mind of her own. No one can decide who she's to love."

"I loved her. She loved me. Where did you come into the picture?" he spat. "She told me to pick her!"

"I'm not entirely sure what you mean by that, but the thing is Derek... You must understand that we didn't mean to hurt you-"

"Then why did you let her cheat on me? Wasn't it enough for you to cheat on me? You have to make her cheat on me too?"

She got sick of him interrupting her all the time. It wasn't possible to talk to him, he didn't listen anyway. She got fed up.

"Derek, stop making her sound like a puppet! I love her. She loves me. Just deal with it!"

She knew it was stupid of her and she knew that he couldn't deal with it.

She felt her cheeks lose their color as he clenched his fists so hard his knuckles whitened.

She had to stall him before he did something stupid. He seemed to fight some kind of internal battle, like one part of him wanted to hurt her physically, but the other part didn't want to do something like that against her.

"Derek," she said silently. "I've loved you, you know that. I would never mean to hurt you."

It didn't have the soothing effect she'd aimed for.

His control wasn't enough, even though if he would have let go completely Callie would have to patch her bits together piece by piece.

He took a hold of her blouse with one hand and twisted it toward him so their faces nearly touched.

"You're so full of shit," he hissed. "No one would do this. Even if you'd want to, you wouldn't, because it's not ethical. Don't you girls have rules about exes of their friends? Shouldn't this kind of rule be applied in our situation as well? Don't you think?"

"I know, I'm sorry," she said, her voice slightly trembling. "We really tried not to, but..."

"But what?" he spat.

With his other hand he took a hold of her chin and tilted her head up while saying "You are good-looking Addison. You could have a really great man. Heck, even Mark wanted to be with you. So why couldn't you just let me have her?"

"That's not my choice to make," she said and twisted her face out of his grip.

Someone suddenly knocked hard on the door.

"Hey!" she recognized Mark's voice.

She let out an internally sigh of relief and her body relaxed some.

Derek moved away from her and her feeling of relief increased even more. With the relief came also tears and legs that didn't want to support her. She had to lean back against the wall to prevent herself from falling to her knees.

"I know you're in there! Open up, or else I'll get a key or I'll just kick it open, but I think Chief would get really pissed if I broke a door!"

Derek seemed to consider his options, but went with opening it of course.

Mark stepped in as soon as Derek opened, making him shuffle to the side.

He shot a glance at Derek's dark face and Addison's now crying visage.

"What the fuck, Derek?" he said, turning to his old friend.

Derek just glared at him.

"I could hear you even out in the hallway! What the hell is going on?"

Derek shot her a glance and she felt a bit embarrassed about him seeing that he'd made her cry.

"I just found out she was fucking Meredith during the time Meredith was with me."

"Yeah! I know!" Mark said like it wasn't a big deal.

Which he got to regret.

Derek's fist flew through the air and hit Mark on his precious cheek bone. They both flew out of the room into the corridor where they commenced a fist fight.

Addison cast a quick look into the mirror, dried her tears and rearranged her clothes. She didn't want to look like a victim of assault.

She went out in the hallway, with the idea of holding them apart, but she just had to stop and watch for a moment, baffled by the violence and harm both of them were causing one another. Especially Derek. She had never seen him so caveman-like before. He probably had all this anger built up inside of him – anger for Addison – and just poured it out on Mark.

A couple of nurses tried to pry them apart. Addison felt it was too dangerous to step between them, but snapped out of her momentarily passive position and started yelling at them to stop.

Mark started look like he was mostly protecting himself against Derek's rage. He ducked a blow from him, and then got around him and managed to throw him onto the ground, but Derek in his wild state of mind got up to his feet with a big push and thrust his fist hard in Mark's stomach.

Mark's body bent like a shrimp and he let out a groan of pain.

"Stop!" Addison screamed.

Derek was about to jump him and they all – she, he, Mark, the nurses – saw that Derek, with his craziness, would be the winner of the fight, but Addison wouldn't let that happen and took a deep breath, as if going for a dive, gathered some courage and then jumped up from behind of Derek and clung to him with her arms around his neck.

He immediately got occupied with pulling her off. Mark got some time to catch his breath and then yelled, or croaked, "Addison...! Get off him!"

Addison wouldn't let go, but she was having a hard time staying there. She internally questioned her liking of pencil skirts, if she would have worn pants she could have wrapped her legs around Derek's waist and therefore hold on to him more easily. Maybe it would have looked more ridiculous too, but she couldn't let the frenzied Derek beat up Mark and destroy their careers.

Mark got close to them and told her to get off him again, which she did, aiming for an elegant landing on her heel clad feet, but it didn't end like she wanted to and she tripped and tumbled to the floor and ended up on her ass.

When she looked up Derek was groaning on the floor and Mark held him down.

Then she heard a voice from behind her that made her turn around as if shot with a taser.

It was the Chief. The lion had arrived to create order in his flock and he roared.

"YOU THREE! IN MY OFFICE _NOW_!"


	17. Natural Mutations

_A/N: I'm feeling like I'm jumping the shark here. Really nervous for what you're going to think. Couldn't wait anymore to post the chapter, so that's why it's up so early! Anyway, I shouldn't be feeling like jumping the shark, because this has been the idea since the dawn of time of this story... I'm putting a stop to my rambling now. Enjoy ^^_

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><p><strong>I Don't Hate You<strong>

_**Chapter 17: Natural Mutations**_

"My attendings! On my surgical floor! Fighting!" the Chief said incredulously. "What is going on?"

They all looked down on their laps.

"Sloan. Did you start this?"

"What? No!"

"He really didn't, Chief," Addison tried to help, feeling too ashamed to dare calling him by his first name.

"Addison!" the Chief said, removing his glasses as if it would make him detect the truth more clearly. "Don't you even tell me you have something to do with this," he growled.

"Uhm, it's uh... Mark has nothing to do with this," she mumbled, glancing at Mark who was sitting between her and Derek, pressing an ice bag to his face. He had a cracked lip and a black eye.

"Then why would he be having a fist fight with my head of neuro?" the Chief raised his voice. He was now standing up and leaning with his hands on his desk.

No one wanted to answer his question. Derek was brooding with a broken nose no one had even mentioned setting straight. His lab coat was splattered with blood and he had blood smeared over the lower part of his face. He was pressing some paper underneath his aching nose to collect the still streaming blood.

Mark removed the ice bag and told the Chief with a dead tone of voice "Ask Derek."

The Chief glared at him for a moment then said "Fine. Shepherd, what was all this about?"

"Why do we even have to sit here? My nose is broken. I need to get it fixed," Derek complained.

"It can wait," the Chief said, his voice becoming more threatening and dark. "The important thing is your millions of dollars worth of hands. Are they fine?"

Derek flexed his fingers and shrugged.

"Yeah," said Mark.

"Good. Put back the ice bag on them," the Chief ordered. "Now, explain."

"I was angry," Derek began, "because Mark knew all along that Meredith had been cheating on me with my ex-wife."

The Chief looked confused.

"I'm sorry?"

"Addison and Meredith Grey are fucking and have been for a while."

This wasn't the way Addison had pictured the Chief finding out about them. She didn't like the way he was looking at her. He stared at her in an exploratory manner, one of his eyebrows lifted, but his eyes weren't curious, nor friendly, as they usually were.

She knew Meredith was very dear to him, almost like his own child.

This was brutal toward him. And it put Addison in a very dodgy situation since he was his boss and didn't seem to care for her as much as before.

It seemed like she just lost her chances for getting a promotion...

"Is this right?" he asked her.

She looked down at her hands, which she held tightly together in her lap.

"Yes," she mumbled.

The Chief sat down, letting out a long sigh. He looked much older than before.

Mark shoved her slightly in her side and cleared his throat. "But it much more than that, Chief," he said to help her.

Derek shook his head, muttering something that sounded like "I can't do this."

"You stay in your place," the Chief glared at him, then he looked at Addison.

"Addison," he said to get her attention and she looked up at him with big, threatened eyes.

"What the hell have you been doing with Meredith?" he asked, thrusting his fists onto his desk.

She jumped a bit and felt like a scared street dog.

"She's not a villain, Richard," Mark said.

Derek shook his head again and the Chief told him to keep quiet.

"I love her, Richard," Addison said, her voice trembling.

"What? What is this? You and Derek were an amazing couple. You were together for so long. Then Derek seemed to find something in Meredith as I found in her mother. But I stayed with Adele. Adele never got together with Ellis."

"We are not reliving your life and relationships, Richard," Addison frowned.

"I know that! But Meredith-"

"Didn't you call Addison here just because you found out about me and Addison?" Derek unexpectedly said with a bitter tone of voice.

"No," the Chief said. "Maybe. But I really did need her on a case, and look where that got me. Now I have the top neonatal surgeon this country can offer me. And, Derek, as an attending, going out with an intern is not okay; it's against hospital regulations."

Mark rolled his eyes. "But you would have preferred Meredith going out with Derek than Addison," he said sarcastically.

Addison lifted her eyebrows at him, surprised by how protective he was acting toward her against the Chief. It was strange, judging how competitive he was, during the run for Chief, how snidely he was approaching their boss.

"Get out of my office," he ordered him with such an authority Mark didn't even try to speak against it. With a last supportive glance at Addison he silently got to his feet, then giving her shoulder a squeeze before leaving the room.

"So," Richard said when they were only three in his office.

Addison glanced at the empty seat between her and Derek. Suddenly it felt like they were too close to each other.

"I want you to be perfectly honest with me," the Chief said quietly, which was even more intimidating than when he contrastingly raised his voice.

Both Derek and Addison looked at him, waiting.

"Did you do this to trump Derek, out of bitterness over your lost marriage?" he asked Addison.

"No! I love her! I really do."

"Derek?" Richard turned to him, as if his opinion was more important than hers.

"Why do you even ask him? He has nothing to do with this!" Addison protested.

"Don't speak to me that way," he told her as if to put her into her place, which seemed to be the case. They both glared at each other.

"Honestly Richard," Derek said, making them both turn to him instead, breaking their staring battle. "I'm not sure that is the case," he said, somewhat reluctantly.

Addison looked at him with surprise. Was he taking her side?

"I don't like this. I don't like this at all. What is going on with you surgeons? I'm not sure any of you are worthy being Chief," he said.

Addison and Derek held their breaths, waiting for their boss to take the word again.

He turned to Addison. "I'll speak with you later. You both are dismissed."

They got up, Derek took the lead and Addison lingered by the door.

"Am I fired?" she asked Richard, her long time friend and respected boss.

Richard took a moment to answer. Now he looked even more old and tired.

"No, I'm not gonna do that," he said and avoided her gaze. "You're way to valuable," he said barely audibly she wasn't sure she heard right.

She then left without another word.

~GA~

It was pretty late when she came home to Meredith that night. She hadn't seen her long enough to talk to her during the day and when she came home she wasn't downstairs, so she went upstairs where she heard voices from the bathroom. She recognized Cristina's voice. And that Meredith was crying.

She tip-toed, and listened, considering whether to interrupt them or not.

"What am I going to do?" Meredith said.

"You have to tell her."

"But she'll leave me."

"You can't know that."

Addison's heart sank. Was everything going wrong today?

"Oh my god... This isn't happening," Addison could barely hear Meredith say through the bathroom door. Her voice muffled as if she was hiding her face in her hands.

"Are you going to keep it?" Cristina asked gently.

The simple phrasing hid such a complexity, such a life-altering impact it didn't feel fair it could be so easily comprehended.

Still she didn't get it. She understood, but the information didn't want to penetrate her brain.

Meredith was...

It was surreal.

Addison didn't want to hear Meredith answer Cristina's question, it didn't feel right to hear that like that, so she knocked on the door.

"Oh, shit," Meredith said.

"It's just me," Addison said softly.

Cristina opened the door, then backed away. Meredith was sitting on the bathroom floor, her tear drenched eyes fixed on the thing in Cristina's hands. Addison's gaze followed and so did Cristina who gave her the stick with her head bent down.

Addison took it and stared at the little cross. Having made her world stop spinning she put down the stick on the sink where there was a whole bunch of similar sticks with crosses, smileys, hearts and other signs to indicate a positive result. She silently got down to her knees and took Meredith in her arms. Cristina sneaked out of the bathroom and left them alone.

Meredith started crying against her shoulder.

"I'm so sorry," she said.

Addison burrowed her face in Meredith's neck, inhaling the scent of her hair and skin. She had a feeling she wouldn't be doing this from now on.

"It's okay," she lied stiffly.

"No it's not," Meredith sniffled, pulling away from Addison's embrace. "I'm so stupid. It's all my fault."

"No it isn't," she lied again.

Was this why Derek was so angry? Had they been sleeping together even after their breakup?

Meredith didn't say anything and neither did Addison. They sat close. The only movement was from Meredith hands who stroke away her tears that just kept on falling.

"When did you...?" Addison asked quietly. She didn't want to ask her directly if she'd cheated.

Meredith looked at her sharply. "Before us," she quickly said. "I would never..."

She nodded, not completely convinced, but didn't have the energy to fight in that moment. They were quiet. Meredith's crying slowed its pace.

"I'll get you some water," Addison said and stood up. It felt good to walk down the stairs, go into the kitchen, take a glass from the cupboard, take ice from the freezer, put it in the glass, fill the glass with water and walking back up to the upstairs bathroom.

She felt clearer and more grounded after putting some physical distance between them.

Meredith mumbled a thanks and drank some. Addison sat down on the toilet, clasping her hands together, while Meredith stayed on the floor, on the same spot she'd found her.

"How come you figured you were...?" Addison asked, letting her voice die out when it came to pronounce the P-word. She said it so many times during work, but right now that word was too loaded pronouncing or even thinking.

"When you mentioned your PMS this morning I remembered I haven't had PMS in a long time...," she answered in a dead tone of voice, staring right in front of her, without seeing anything.

"You want to keep it?" Addison asked.

"I don't know."

"How are you going to tell him?"

"I don't know... I have no idea... Can't I... I just- I just don't want to think about that part yet."

Addison nodded. She didn't understand.

They were silent for a moment.

Addison's thoughts were twirling around in her head. She had to find the courage to pronounce her questions she needed to ask. Meredith probably needed time, but Addison didn't feel like having consideration toward her. She needed, selfishly, to know.

"Did you... uhm... betray me?"

"No," Meredith frowned at her. "I told you. I wouldn't do that. It was complicated in the end with Derek of course, but I never slept with anyone else when we've been together. How can you even doubt me?"

"I'm sorry," Addison mumbled.

"Liar," Meredith whispered.

Addison got down to the floor in front of her. Putting her hands on her knees and sought her gaze.

"I'm a cheater, that's why I'd doubt you. Not because I doubt your love, but because I know how easy it is to betray the ones you care for. And just because I am a cheater... When I'm faithful for you... It would hurt so much more if you'd betray me."

Meredith bit her lip.

"I know," she whispered.

Addison relaxed and leaned back, sitting with her legs crossed instead of standing on her knees and leaning over Merediths'.

"There's another thing," Addison mumbled.

"Hm?"

"Let's say you're going to keep the baby... What kind of part would you want me to have in your life?"

"You mean if I'd dump you?" Meredith smirked.

"Why are you laughing?" Addison hissed.

"Because you're stupid."

"What? Why?"

"Do you really think I would want to leave you?" Meredith smiled.

Addison looked at her sadly, her lips suddenly trembling.

Meredith was quickly there and pulled her into a hug. Addison started to cry. She cried over the shock of these news, the uncertainty she was feeling over Meredith and her job and what had happened between her and Derek earlier that day and how she'd messed up the relationship between her and Richard.

"I love you, Addie. If I'd have a child I'd have it with you. I know you want children and I think you'd be a great mom," Meredith reassured her in a whisper near her ear.

"I love you too," she manage to get out. "Are you sure you don't want to break up with me?"

"Yes."

"Will it stay that way?"

"Yes," Meredith repeated and put her hands between Addison's cheeks and pushed them together. "You're being silly," she smiled. "Why can't you just let me freak out about this instead of making me calm you down. You are supposed to be the strong one. I have like... an alien or something inside of me. I'm only considering to keep it because of you. I'm not a motherly person, but you are. So can you just please let me freak out?"

Addison looked at her with big eyes. "Okay."

Meredith let go of her face.

"I don't know what to do."

Addison tried to snap out of her own freaking out and problems to be able to support her girlfriend the way she should. She took her hands in hers and tried to sound reasonable.

"You don't have to decide about anything right away. We'll take it one step at a time. I'll make an exam on you the first thing in the morning. We don't need to feel like this is real until after that."

"Okay. Thank you," Meredith said and Addison kissed her.

"Let's put on junky clothes, eat ice cream and watch a girly movie."

"But I have pre-rounds in the morning."

"Who cares?"


	18. Hesitating and Fidgeting

_A/N: The movie they're watching is Imagine Me & You. I'm giving you this chapter earlier because I just got a job at a supermarket and I'm really happy so, here you are! Enjoy and review ^^_

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><p><strong>I Don't Hate You<strong>

_**Chapter 18: Hesitating and Fidgeting**_

"_I think you know immediately. As soon as your eyes... Then everything that happens from then on just proves that you have been right in that first moment. When you suddenly realize that you were incomplete and now you are whole..."_

Meredith sniffled, and Addison pulled her closer. She shoved another spoon of ice cream into her mouth.

"Was that how you felt about me?" Meredith asked her.

Addison smiled for herself. "Yes... Or... Yes, but more in a passive kind of way. There was so much drama."

"Isn't there now?"

"Yeah... How did you feel, the first time you looked into my eyes?" Addison chuckled.

"I was really shocked. It was like you were a knife and Derek had just stabbed me with it."

"Wow... Yup, that's romantic."

"You can't blame me."

"No, I know," she said and gave her a quick kiss.

"_You're wet."_

"_I'm fine."_

"_And you're cold."_

"_I'm fine!"_

"_You can have it! I mean it!"_

"_And now you're cold."_

"_Hey what are you guys up to?"_

"I envy them," Meredith said.

"Why?"

"It seems so simple. A movie can hold just so much complexity, but real life... Real life is much more difficult and scary. It's a scary place... Reality."

Addison stroked her hair.

"Maybe you feel that way because what's going on in the movies isn't happening to you."

"Yeah," Meredith said. "Sometimes... The happy ending seems so unimaginable. I mean, do we have just one happy ending, or do we have many? How can we know when we have one going on?"

"You're rambling."

"Sorry."

Addison kissed her forehead.

"I believe you're my happy ending," she mumbled close to her ear.

Meredith put away the ice cream and then pulled off Addison's gray Yale hoodie. Addison looked at her with surprised eyes. Meredith just looked at her coyly and pushed her down on the sofa. She didn't have anything under the hoodie.

Addison closed her eyes as she felt Meredith's lips on her skin and shivered when her hot mouth enclosed her nipple. She grabbed a handful of her hair and then commenced the difficult quest of taking all her clothes off.

It was her time to lay Meredith down now. She lifted up her hips and pulled off her panties. She kissed her way down from her lips, to her neck, lingering by her breasts, but when she came to her still flat stomach... Or was it still flat? It was too early for it to show, but she imagined it was just a tiny, tiny bit rounder than it had been before. She imagined how pretty she would become with her belly all round and pointy. She let her hand stroke it, the way she imagined she'd be stroking it later and-

"Addison!"

"What?" she looked up, snapping out of her daydream.

"What are you doing?"

She just looked at her with confused eyes.

"Why are you touching my stomach like I'm Holy freaking Mary?" Meredith asked irritatedly, sitting up and glaring at her.

"Oh, I'm sorry," Addison said and removed her hand.

They both sat in front of one another. Meredith put on her panties and her Dartmouth T-shirt again while pouting.

"Did uhm," Addison hesitated. "Did Derek talk to you about starting a family?" she asked.

Meredith's lips turned into a tight line. "Can't we just talk about something else?" She turned around to face the TV instead of Addison. "I really don't want to talk about it."

Addison wanted to talk about it, because that was just who she is, but she respected Meredith and agreed to wait until she should be ready. Tomorrow, that is.

Addison put on her own panties and hoodie and then watched the TV too. The girls in the movie were just sent off to something similar to a date by the one of the girl's husband.

"Didn't Derek do almost something like that," she motioned toward the screen, "when he wanted us to be friends?" she asked Meredith.

Meredith sighed. She was closing up. She obviously didn't want to talk about anything Derek-related.

They watched the movie in silence for a while. Then Addison remembered something she'd forgotten to tell Meredith.

"Something happened at work."

"What?" Meredith asked without turning away from an emotional scene that was going on in the movie.

"Derek lashed out on me," Addison sighed. "Mark beat him up. Richard came and he... He knows about us and I think my job is threatened."

"What!" Meredith exclaimed, finally looking at her properly.

"He's not very pleased with us being together."

"Whatever-"

"It's not whatever!"

"I mean, the Chief later. I want to know why Mark and Derek beat each other up! Why didn't you tell me earlier?"

"I didn't tell you because you had lots of stuff going on for yourself. It kinda slipped my mind."

"You should have told me," she said.

Addison rolled her eyes.

"Do you want to hear this or not?"

"Yes. Get on with it!"

"Okay," Addison sighed. "Where to start? Derek wanted to talk to me, so he took me to an on-call room where we talked, but it got a bit loud and uncomfortable and then Mark came in and saw us and they both lashed out on each other."

"But why?" Meredith frowned.

"Because... uh," Addison wasn't sure why she had a hard time putting it to words. It was like she felt kind of ashamed over what happened.

Meredith switched her position so she could face her more properly. "What happened? You can tell me."

Addison began fidgeting with her sleeves. To stop herself from doing so she pulled the sleeves up to her elbows. Meredith's gaze got stuck on Addison's wrists. A shocked gaze. She looked down as well and saw bluish marks she didn't even realize she'd gotten. Must have been when Derek tried to pull her off his back.

"Oh my God," Meredith breathed, then got mad. "Did he hurt you?"

"No. No!" Addison protested, but Meredith didn't look convinced.

"Maybe he was going to," Addison mumbled and her face crumpled.

"Oh," Meredith just said and pulled her close to her and stroke her hair while she cried.

"It was so scary," she cried. "The only reason why it went pretty well was that Mark came just in the right time... He could have come a bit earlier maybe, but it was good that he came at all. The reason why I got this," she said and showed her her arms, "is because I tried to choke Derek from behind so he wouldn't kill Mark."

Meredith lifted her eyebrows.

"Okay, fine, maybe not kill. But it was getting out of control."

"How could... How could Derek do something like that? It doesn't seem like him. I- I don't understand," Meredith said, going from shocked, confused to angry.

"He's hurt," she shrugged. "I don't think he's going to make it simple for us..."

"But... He's head of neuro!" Meredith exclaimed, her voice shrill.

"I know, Mer. But Derek isn't our biggest problem. I think the Chief is."

"What?"

Addison dried her tears and took a good look at Meredith. "As I said, I think I might... lose... my job at Seattle Grace."

"No!"

"I told you!"

"But...! He can't do that! Or can he? Why would he? It's not possible!" Meredith freaked out. "Oh my God, what do we do?"

Addison shrugged. "I hope I can stay."

"But... But you're going to be Chief!"

"No, Meredith. I won't have Chief. Chief has always belonged to Burke."

"No! That's bullshit!" Meredith stood up and began pacing in front of the TV. "This is crazy!"

"Mer...," Addison sighed.

"You deserve Chief, Addison. You've worked so hard for this..."

"He wanted to split you and Derek up, so he hired me," she said slowly.

Meredith stopped her pacing. "No way."

"Yes. Way. Or not only because of that. I am the best... But it was strategic. That is true. He wanted me and Derek to be together."

"Just to justify his getting back with Adele, right?"

"Exactly. He's old. He's retiring. He said I was too valuable for him to fire, but he sure the hell seems to want to."

"I won't let him treat you badly."

"What are you going to do? Meredith, you're just an intern," Addison frowned.

"I know that. But he's bossing over my life. He's not my father, but he thinks he is. And he shouldn't decide who anyone of us can love."

"Right. But he's my boss, and he's your boss's... boss's boss...," Addison said and Meredith couldn't help but laugh. "I'm serious," Addison smiled. "He's the one who decides. Maybe I should transfer to Mercy West-"

"No! No one is making you leave Seattle Grace, Addie," Meredith said and sat down in front of her.

"How can you know that?" Addison whispered.

"Because he'd have to have a legitimate reason for firing you, and he'd have to take it up with the board. And he can't just make one up, because you are great at what you do, so finding a reason would be really hard."

"Yeah," Addison sighed. "When are we going to talk about the pre-"

"No!"

"But-"

"Not yet. I don't want to."

~GA~

She asked to have Meredith as her intern that day, who was on rounds while Addison looked at the surgical board. Dr. Burke approached her and commented upon the day's structure of work. She agreed with him, it was good. She'd have time to do the exam on Meredith after her rounds because she hadn't any surgeries until noon.

"Dr. Shepherd! Good morning!" Dr. Burke suddenly said to obviously Derek over her shoulder.

"Good morning Dr. Burke," he answered grimly, totally ignoring Addison, seeming to feel obligated to stop in front of the board even though he wished nothing else but fleeing the scene. He was so easy to read it was ridiculous.

She felt kind of sadistic.

"Derek," she therefore said and nodded at him.

He glared at her. He was probably thinking that she was cruel not to leave him in peace. But what he didn't know was that the new circumstances, of which he wasn't yet aware of, ultimately brought Meredith once more into a position of having a choice to make.

As Addison saw the look on Derek's face, the dark look in his eyes, all the hurt and anger seeping through his pores, she couldn't just stay passive about this.

The nod she gave him was a nod of warfare.

He probably didn't get that message and left with big steps.

Dr. Burke lifted his eyebrows. Addison wasn't sure how much he knew about them, but she didn't care.

"Excuse me, Doctor," she said politely to him and went the other way than Derek.

It was still too early to check on patients and she wasn't in the mood to socialize with Callie and she wanted and needed to avoid Mark and Derek. They didn't exactly lighten up her day. Mark had been sweet yesterday and acted as her knight in shining armor, and that noble thing made her oversee the fact that he was screwing one of Meredith's friends. That didn't mean that she wanted to talk to him.

She didn't want to talk to anyone because usually she spilled her guts all over the place when she had something on her mind, and she wanted to keep Meredith's pregnancy secret.

She figured there was no point in going to her office since her mind was far too winded up to concentrate on the most boring parts of her work, so she decided to use her super powers that came with being an attending. Super powers she rarely used, which meant that they would work.

"Dr. Bailey, can I have Dr. Grey?" she asked the resident when she found her with her group of interns during their rounds.

"Aren't you supposed to have her after rounds? Can't it wait?"

"I'm afraid not," she said and pasted on her most apologetic face.

Miranda sighed one of her especially discontented sighs, but she wasn't someone to care about the details of other people. She called out for Grey and she came out immediately, only looking slightly confused.

Addison just motioned for her to follow and when they were out of hear and sight Meredith dared to ask why she went to get her earlier.

"We could talk, if you want to. I guess, we should talk, so if you want to talk we could," Addison rambled. "Or we could just get the exam done, and then we talk... Or do both at the same time, because I feel like I've waited so long to talk about this, like a lifetime-"

"Addie..."

"Please tell me," Addison said, stopping in the corridor to face her. "Please do because I feel like I'm out on deep water right now."

"Calm down. Let's get the exam done and then we talk, okay?"

~GA~

"Okay, this is gonna be a bit cold," Addison said out of habit and gave her the habitual warm smile.

Meredith didn't say anything. She had closed her eyes and it wasn't possible to contact her in that moment. She was closed up.

Addison looked at the screen as she tried to find a good angle with the ultra sound.

"There," Addison said silently and Meredith looked up. "You see it?"

"Yes," Meredith said with a choked voice. "Oh God." She covered her face in her hands and started shaking as she cried.

"Oh, honey. It's gonna be okay," Addison said, getting up from her chair.

"Can't you just tell me what I need to know?" Meredith asked in a muffled sound from under her hands. "I don't want to look."

"Sure," Addison said and got back to her doctor-role with the ultra sound. She had a hard time getting her words to come out. "About six weeks-"

"That's it?"

"Yes. Why?"

"I don't know. I guess... I thought it would be older. My period is always so messed up, and I haven't been keeping track on it with the stress and all."

"And you're having twins."

Meredith flew up into sitting position, and totally messed up the ultrasound picture. She grabbed the device from Addison's hand and tried to position it herself on her belly. Addison eventually pushed her down on the bed and took the device from her and showed her.

"See? They're twins."

"Holy mother of... shit."

"Do you want a picture?"

"I've got to... uhm... I've gotta talk to Cristina."

"Cristina? But, Meredith-"

"I'm sorry. I'll talk to you later, okay?" Meredith said, already wiping off the gel from her skin and then putting her lab coat back on.

Addison was left standing there, looking foolish.


	19. The Last Shock

_A/N: This is the fun part with fanfiction, you spice it and spice it, and then you have to mix it out with cream to make it eatable. And yes, I am so messing with their relationship, which makes it so much more adorable when they stay together in the end. _I know this idea is pretty crazy, but if you've read my other stories, you know I love a good twister, so please, bare with me, they will sort it out. Don't go trolling on me just yet. Another thing. I'm not against abortion, and I don't think Meredith is either, but I think it'd hurt Addison more if Meredith'd do that. Meredith is a surgeon, that's who she is, and having children now doesn't seem like the right time in her life, but she's full of love, both motherly and for Addison, so she could go either way. I haven't decided what to do with her pregnancy yet. What do you think? Xx__

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><p><strong>I Don't Hate You<strong>

_**Chapter 19: The Last Shock**_

Meredith was having twins. And she needed to ventilate all her thoughts and all her feelings about it. And Meredith didn't want to talk. Or she did, but with Cristina.

Addison had never hated Cristina before. Now she did.

She had to work, so she had a great opportunity to avoid her people. But it was torment. She felt like a bomb ready to burst at any point. And when she'd burst, because it was just a question of time, she didn't know if she'd cry, just ramble or go completely crazy.

Three hours and fifteen minutes after the ultrasound Meredith came to find her. She was after all her intern.

She stopped by the door and cleared her throat so Addison would turn around.

She was about to talk to the patient and stopped mid-sentence to breathe a "hi". The patient was staring at them.

She was trying to see if Meredith was ready to talk. It was so hard to read her.

"Do you want to talk?" she asked her.

"Can we go to your office?" she answered stiffly.

"Okay," Addison said hesitantly but didn't dare to refuse. She turned to the patient and apologized.

~GA~

Meredith closed the door behind them. She looked at Addison with serious and sad eyes.

"I know what I said about not wanting you to leave. But I can't hold you here. I'm giving you an out."

"Why?" Addison said, regretting that it came out as a whining.

"Because I...," she took a breath. "I'm not entirely sure who the father is," she said slowly.

"It's not Derek's?"

"I'm not sure, I don't think so..."

"Then who is it?"

"I believe that it is Sloan," Meredith said slowly, looking at Addison with ashamed eyes.

Addison had to hold on to something to not fall. Meredith's words were on repeat in her head.

Sloan.

Mark Sloan.

Meredith had slept with Mark?

"I... I don't know... I can't," Addison stuttered.

"Addison, please let me explain," Meredith said taking a step toward her but she recoiled away from her.

"Explain what?"

"I didn't cheat on you with him. I didn't cheat on Derek either. It just happened. I had broken up with Derek and he was just there!"

"He was just there?" Addison chuckled bitterly. "I've heard that one before...," she said darkly, her words feeling like acid in her mouth.

"I'll explain everything, every detail, you'll understand," Meredith said, begging.

"Understand? I don't want to hear the details. Keep them to yourself. I mean... Who _are_ you? How _could_ you? It doesn't matter if you were with me or Derek, because... What the fuck, Mer? I mean, seriously. Mark? If you had to go be a whore couldn't you just find a random guy instead of fucking the very man that split Derek and I up!"

"But Addis-"

"No, I'm fucking done talking to you," she said and brushed past her toward the door. She stopped at the door frame and turned around toward her, tears glistening in her eyes. "Who the fuck are you?"

Then she left.

~GA~

She locked herself in an on-call room and cried.

~GA~

"Dr. Bailey," Addison said, finding the resident in the pit.

"Addison," she gasped. "What is going on?"

Her eyes and face were all read and puffy after crying. She couldn't even succeed hiding the wreck she had become.

Miranda dragged her out of sight.

"What is up?" she asked her worriedly, which made her start crying again.

"Never mind... Can you reassign Dr. Grey for me? I don't want her to see me like this."

"You know I can't do that."

"Miranda! I'm asking you, really nicely, to do this for me," she said and probably sounded so desperate and crazy that she finally agreed.

"Thank you, thank you, thank you," she mumbled and pulled the resident into a hug, who didn't really respond.

"Addison, what the heck is going on with you?"

She just shook her head.

"Fine," Miranda sighed. "I'll give you Karev. He's in the pit."

"No, not Karev."

Miranda lifted her eyebrows.

"Can I have Yang? Please let me have Yang."

Miranda glared at her long and hard.

"Why?"

"Please, Miranda. Do this for me. Please?"

She rolled her eyes, but with her it was a sign of defeat. She avoided her gaze when she said "Lucky for you, Yang is having free time right now so you can have her. That means Grey will be with Dr. Burke instead."

"Yes! Thank you, thank you, thank you!"

"And Addison. Don't think I'd do this for you again."

~GA~

"If this is your way to make me talk, you're so wrong," Yang said as soon as they saw each other, walking down the hallway together to see their patient.

"Hello to you too," Addison said. She wasn't crying anymore, but the evidence of having been crying was probably still clear on her face.

"I am not going to talk."

"Yang. She's not talking to me."

"She was trying to, you were the one walking out on her," she said in a blaming tone of voice.

"Hey," Addison said and grabbed her arm and stopped her in the corridor. "She slept with Mark."

"So?"

Addison stared at her in complete and utter disbelief.

"You just pulled me out of a really awesome surgery with Dr. Burke, and if this is the way you think you're gonna make me talk you're so wrong," she said and started walking with quick steps.

Addison hurried after her. "Tell me. What did she say?"

"Did you just listen to anything I said?"

"I'm your boss's boss. Now you tell me what Meredith said."

Yang stopped and looked at her. She was kind of pissed off.

"She's devastated, okay? You walked out on her, and she's got abandonment issues."

"She walked out on me by sleeping with Mark," Addison protested in a hiss, so the nurses wouldn't pick up anything of the dialogue.

Yang shook her head.

"You know what?" she said. "Maybe that's why she didn't tell you. Because she knew you would react that way."

"Come on, that's not a reason."

"I'm sorry, Dr. Montgomery, but maybe you should try to see it from her point of view and not expect everyone to be like you."

"I don't expect that," she frowned.

Cristina rolled her eyes and began walking again.

It wasn't possible to try to talk to her anymore. They both got pretty pissed with each other.

~GA~

At lunch she was mostly just picking at her salad, without being much present at all. She realized that Callie was saying something, but she hadn't heard a thing. She brought herself back to reality.

"What?"

"Did you just not hear a word I said? I'm pouring my heart out here. Jeez," Callie said, rolling her eyes in annoyance. "It's all about you, isn't it? It's all about – everything's about Addison."

"I think Mark might have gotten Meredith pregnant."

"It is all about you," she emphasized slightly ironically, but her expression was shocked and attentive. "Floor's all yours..."

"She told me she was pregnant, and I was... shocked...," Addison started slowly. "But you know... I started hoping, because I do want a baby, you know. I was starting to dare being happy. We were going to have a baby, which turned out to be twins," she said and smiled, but her eyes sad. "I just didn't know she'd slept with Mark and that he might be the father..."

"What did you do?"

"I don't know... I couldn't handle it so I left."

"Left her for real?"

"No. No! Of course not."

"Does she know that?"

"Uhm... No?" she said and at the same time she saw Meredith enter the cafeteria with the other interns.

Callie turned around to follow her gaze. She sighed when she saw that they sat down at their usual table. Meredith looked at Addison's direction and for a moment they had eye contact. Addison's mouth popped open in surprise and she hadn't the time to collect her brain and look apologetic or compassionate to show her that she was wrong and felt guilty and that she loved her and wanted her back and wanted to talk...

She was even rambling in her thoughts.

And Meredith broke their eye-contact without any eye-message being transferred. Addison was certain it would have been possible to show everything successfully just by using her eyes.

"Addison. You are making weird faces," Callie pointed out.

"Maybe I should just try to catch her gaze again," she mumbled absentmindedly, still watching the interns.

"Why don't you just talk to her?" her friend inquired irritatedly.

Addison nodded.

She waited until Meredith was about to leave and then followed her out.

"Meredith," she called out when they had left the cafeteria, heading back to the surgical floor.

Meredith ignored her, keeping her gaze low and strictly in front of her. Yang was almost hovering over her, as if she was protecting her. O'Malley looked confused and Stevens looked worried, they both glanced back at her.

"Meredith... Come on."

"Leave her alone," Yang turned around and hissed.

Karev smiled spitefully at her. She ignored them all.

"Let me talk to you. Please. I'm sorry."

Meredith shot a quick glance at her.

Addison hurried to her and touched her shoulder, but she shrugged her off.

"Leave me alone," she said.

"No."

Addison braced herself. The Chief already knew, Derek knew. What did it matter if the whole hospital knew if she only could prove to Meredith her sincerity and love for her?

"Never."

She took a hold of her wrist and pulled her in, took a hold of her waist and neck and kissed her, right there in front of everyone. Meredith was stiff and shocked first but then melted in her embrace and wrapped her arms around her body. She let out a small sigh in her mouth and Addison searched her mouth with her tongue.

In that moment, only that kiss mattered. It didn't matter that they were out in the open, knowing that the nurses would gossip about this until the end of time. It didn't matter that Meredith was pregnant and who the father was and who she'd slept with. It didn't matter that there were people who weren't happy with their liaison.

All that mattered was that kiss.

All that mattered was Meredith and Addison.

Addison wanted that moment to last forever, but like every other moment in life, it had to end and it did when they started hearing whistling and shocked whispering around them from the crowd. It made them pull apart, but Meredith looked up at Addison and smiled, then she hugged her softly.

"Apology accepted," she whispered in her ear.

Addison was beaming at her when they pulled apart and they held hands as they began walking toward the surgical wing, completely ignoring the nurses.

"Whatever that was; I liked that," Karev said.

"Wha- what was that about?" Stevens asked.

"God, Bambi, you look like you've swallowed a pineapple or something," Yang gloated.

~GA~

They hadn't the time to talk since Meredith had surgery with Dr. Burke. The surgery that Yang normally would have attended to. Instead Yang had to help Addison perform a C-section, which she didn't think was as thrilling as heart muscles.

Doesn't bringing a new life to the world beat a freaking muscle?

When she had free time she wanted to go watch Meredith while she performed surgery in Burke's OR. But before she had to get some coffee.

Apparently Mark was getting coffee at the same time as her, which was just another definition of annoying.

"Addison. Aren't you going to thank me for saving your ass yesterday?" he said as a greeting.

She glared at her.

"What did I do to deserve that?" he frowned, giving her a cup of coffee.

She rolled her eyes, took the coffee and turned her back on him, heading back to the elevator. He followed her. Naturally.

She tried to ignore him inside of the elevator as well, but she couldn't keep it up, it felt far too juvenile since they were alone there.

"Derek would have beaten you if I hadn't come in time. Shouldn't you be at least a tiny bit appreciative since I got this," he pointed at his black eye, "and this," and then at his taped knuckles, "for you."

"Yes I am very glad you saved me," she said stiffly.

"Then what's wrong?"

"Meredith...," she started then realized she just couldn't tell him she was pregnant, it wasn't her thing to tell. "She told me you've slept with her."

"Oh," Mark said and smiled. "It's just that?"

"What do you mean, just that?" she frowned.

He looked too happy for her to handle. She pressed the stop button to be able to yell at him in peace.

"God, Mark! You're such a whore! Why couldn't you leave her alone? You knew that I was in love with her way before the divorce!"

"Yeah, but you weren't exclusive during the time."

"Should that even matter? You knew how I felt!"

"Maybe you should take yourself as a factor."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"I mean, she had a one night stand with me after breaking up with Derek. Meredith is much like me, she uses sex for comfort. Not that I would ever admit that in front of anyone else than you. She would have slept with you, the one she really wanted to sleep with, if you hadn't been so distant and mean toward her."

"Mean? I wasn't mean! I was just trying to... create some kind of distance and not fucking everything up..."

"Exactly. You weren't making yourself available. And so, we met at Joe's, and I overheard her talking to Joe about breaking up with her boyfriend for a girl who happened to be the boyfriend's ex-wife, but that she didn't even know if she'd want her and maybe she was too late... You know. So I was there."

"You were there?" she mocked.

"I'm sorry. I am a manwhore."

"You're a sex addict."

"Oh, come on. You know that's not a real addiction. Sex is good for you."

She rolled her eyes.

"Didn't she wait a couple of days before even telling you she'd broken up with Derek?" he continued.

"Yes... Five days."

"Why was that?"

"Because..."

"Because she was scared of you, of how you were going to react of course! And Meredith sleeps with inappropriate people when she's emotional. That's her thing. The whole hospital knows that. Would you really expect me to say no to an offer like that? I mean, she's not hard to look at and it didn't mean anything, we were just both at Joe's at the time."

"Yes I would expect you to do that! You're unbelievable! Couldn't you at least have used protection?"

Uh-oh.

"We did- Wait, why?" he said, reacting on the use of the word protection.

Addison's facial expression said it all.

"She's pregnant?" he breathed, looking like he'd lost all the air he had in his body.

Addison looked away.

"We didn't use a condom," Mark realized in a breath. "I just assumed she was on the pill."

"You assumed?" she yelled. "That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard! And you're supposed to call yourself a doctor!"

Mark sighed.

"Is she even on the pill?" he asked.

"Not now. I guess she was during the time. Meredith isn't that irresponsible."

"She was drunk."

"Still, I wouldn't think she'd be like that," Addison mumbled. "Oh god, I wasn't supposed to tell you this. You weren't supposed to find out like this. I'm so sorry. I always blurt things... I found out yesterday, so...," she said and let her voice die out.

"Is it... mine?" he asked eventually.

"I don't know. Could be Derek's."

"So... What is she going to do?" he asked.

"I don't know," she sighed. "I think she's going to keep them."

"Them?"

"Oh, it's twins," she explained.

Mark's eyes showed only white, he staggered and fell.

"MARK!" She yelled and caught his heavy, muscular body in her arms, her knees folding under the wait, and at least he landed softly on her.

"Ow," she grunted, freeing her arm from under Mark and checked his pulse.

He had only fainted.

She pushed him off her, which was easier said than done. She fumbled to her feet, panting and wiped the sweat off her forehead with the back of her hand. She hurried to press the button to make the elevator start again and then kneeled at Mark's side to turn him on his back and making sure his airways were clear.

The doors tinged open and she was met by Dr. Bailey.

"What the hell?" she gasped.

"Miranda, he fainted!"

"He fainted? What the-"

"Don't just stand there! Get me a chair!" she yelled at her and started patting him on his cheek to wake him up. He didn't so she smacked him harder and he woke up with a grunt.

"You fainted," she told him calmly.

Miranda came back with a wheelchair.

"I don't need that," Mark said, trying to stand up.

"Easy, easy," Addison said and helped him get up and then pushed him down on the wheelchair.

He muttered something about her being a control freak but she made him stay there until she was sure he was going to be okay.


	20. How You Treat Your Staff

_A/N: I'm sorry for not updating quicker. There's been stuff... I'm not gonna bore you to death with reasons and apologies. :P Anyway, here's the chapter! Doctor's orders: Review! _

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><p><strong>I Don't Hate You<strong>

_**Chapter 20: How You Treat Your Staff**_

People weren't whispering in the hallways. They were talking. Rudely, without shame, without even trying to keep it down. They talked about Addison and Meredith. The rumors about their kiss had traveled throughout the hospital like gasoline on fire, but it had been quite twisted.

She ignored a couple of surgical interns who were talking loudly about her, while casting sharp glances at her way as she passed them.

"Apparently, Dr. Montgomery is sleeping with her interns. And women too."

One of them shrugged. "Well, I mean, she's hot."

She smiled and rounded a corner where some residents looked at her snidely.

"You know she was together with Dr. Shepherd? She cheated on him with his ex-girlfriend just to get back to him. She's gonna dump her too. I mean, how can someone be so stupid? The girl is like an intern. Like a total bimbo."

Addison smiled faded, she walked passed them, feeling stiff.

She tried not to look at anyone as she kept on walking but couldn't help but overhear someone saying "That's Addison Montgomery-Shepherd. She's having a menage à quatre with her husband, his best friend and ex-girlfriend."

She smothered a laugh and glanced at the direction it came from. It was a group of nurses.

"Really? What does that even mean?"

"That they are four people in a sexual relationship. They live together and all."

"No way!"

Addison looked down, biting down at her lip to keep from laughing. She worried about how rumors traveled in this hospital.

~GA~

"Hey," Meredith said, coming into her office without telling her she would. She closed the door behind her. "Burke threw me out," she smiled slightly. "I think Derek must have said something."

"To Burke?"

"I guess he could figure it out when he works with Derek every day and then heard the rumors. And I kind of sucked in that OR."

Addison took off her glasses and put them on her desk. She motioned for Meredith to sit down on the couch where she joined her.

"Mark came to talk to me," she said and Addison opened quickly her mouth but Meredith put a finger to her lips. "I know it wasn't your intention of telling him, and it's okay. I'm fine with it. He'd have to know at some point," she reasoned.

"Okay," she said when Meredith let go off her lips. "What did he say?"

"He said that if they're his... That it's up to me if I want him to have a part in their lives. If I do, he'd help... Actually, he seemed kind of excited by the thought of being a dad. Then he told me that you considered him to be a terrible father, and that you should be right about that, because you're right about the most part of things, so I should decide what part he'd have in this. He also said that if we wanted to he could step aside and let you adopt them. So we'd be two mothers."

"Oh, wow. Well... He hasn't got his heart on the wrong place, that's for sure."

She kissed her and Meredith put her arms around her neck, intertwining her hands in her hair, messing up her hairdo. She was the only one allowed to do that.

"Meredith," she breathed. "I am sorry for calling you a... a... whore," she whispered. "That was completely uncalled for, and so immature of me. I am truly sorry, and if I could take it back I wou-"

Meredith kissed her again, interrupting her.

"I forgive you. You hurt me, you really did. But, I guess it's okay, because I'd already hurt you, so..."

"But that doesn't make it okay," Addison mumbled.

Meredith smiled slightly.

"This is why I love you," she said.

Addison frowned. "For calling you terrible names?"

"No! Because when you apologize, you really do it with your whole heart. We've been through so much crap, so much. And the crap just doesn't want to seem to end for us," she said and pulled apart from their embrace, as if it would make her think more clearly. "I think there should be a balance. Just so much bad things can happen to people. When there's been a lot of bad there should come lots of good things after. Right?" She chuckled for herself. "This is something George could have said."

Addison chuckled.

"Yes, we do deserve some good things," she said and her hands traveled almost as if by free will to Meredith's stomach.

They were silent, their foreheads pressed together. Addison had a small smile on her lips, she pushed Meredith's scrub shirt up and rubbed the skin of her belly with her thumbs.

Meredith had a growing frown on her face.

"Addie... I can't do this," she eventually mumbled.

"What?" Addison whispered, pulled them apart to look at her properly.

"One baby is crazy. And I would be a terrible mother. I've never had a good mother. I wouldn't know what to do. But two babies at once? There is no way."

"You told me you didn't want an abortion," Addison reminded her quietly and put her hands on Meredith's shoulders.

"I know. But I'm scared. Okay, I'm more than scared. I'm freaking out."

"It's normal for new mothers to-"

"Addie, please, don't give me the doctor-talk," Meredith snapped, getting up to her feet to get some distance.

"Okay. I mean, it's okay to be scared," she continued reasoning, still sitting down.

"I can't do this, I can't."

"Are you sure? We could schedule an abortion, it's not too late yet."

"Yeah," Meredith mumbled, looking down at her hands.

"Meredith? Are you sure you want to do that?"

She looked at her, having a clear dilemma going on.

"It would be so complicated with Derek and Sloan."

"They don't matter," Addison said reassuringly. "Only decide for yourself."

"I'm a surgical intern," Meredith continued as if she hadn't heard her response. "I can't- my career... I can't," she emphasized and put her hands through her hair.

Addison dared walking over to her and rubbed her back. She led her back to the couch where Meredith pulled up her knees and wrapped her arms around her legs.

"You know," she started slowly, looking at nowhere in particular in front of her, "I've been having these dreams... Baby dreams. I guess, every woman dreams about babies and pregnancy once in a while, but I've never, ever, had dreams like this before. They're so vivid. They're so real. And then I wake up and I feel happy."

Addison waited.

"Maybe what my... uhm, unconsciousness is trying to tell me, is that maybe... that I should do this?" she said, managing to make it come out as a question. "I mean, maybe...," she sighed as if in defeat. "I don't know."

Addison chuckled and took her hands in hers. "Meredith, if you feel like doing this, we can. I will be at your side, whatever decision you choose to make. If you want to wait, if this isn't the right time for us to have a baby, we can wait until it feels right."

She pulled her close to her and kissed her at the top of her head.

Someone knocked on her door and opened it before she said "come in". Still with her arms around Meredith in a tight embrace she saw how the Chief walked in, not looking happy.

"Chief," Addison said and Meredith reacted and pulled apart a bit, but Addison kept her arms around her, so she relaxed.

"Addison," Richard said through clenched teeth, not really wanting to look at the couple. "I need to speak with you."

"I'll go," Meredith whispered.

"No, stay," Addison tried.

"I should go. I'll wait for you outside."

"Fine," Addison pouted and Meredith leaned in and kissed her before walking out, not even giving Richard a glance.

When they were alone Richard said "You understand that I can't give Chief to you."

"Yes, you've made that perfectly clear," she sighed. "But why does it matter? It's always been Burke right?"

"I can't give Chief to Burke. If I'm not giving Chief to you, because of your liaison with an intern, I can't give it to him either."

"Because of Yang?" she said draggily. She suddenly felt too tired to react.

"Yes. I've known for quite a while."

"Well, in that case you can't give it to Derek either, he's been with Meredith too."

There was a moment of silence both before and after his response. He didn't blink and kept her gaze steadily.

"Past tense Addison," he said.

"No," she breathed, as the realization hit her.

His gaze was hard and clear, she stood up.

"No!" she exclaimed. "You're giving Chief to Derek? You're giving Chief to Derek and making it look like he ended it with Meredith because of – because of hospital regulations and morals!"

He didn't do anything to prove her right or wrong. He could just have shouted it in her face.

"For the love of-! You wanted to give it to Burke but only to prevent the board to consider me you choose Derek instead!"

She was furious. She wanted to kick him out of her office, but she couldn't do that, because he was still her boss.

"Or Derek is just the better candidate," Richard said.

"Unbelievable," she said, her voice trembling with controlled anger.

She kept herself from saying something more, since she could start screaming at him.

"That was all I had to say," Richard said.

She nodded slowly.

"Bye, Addison," he said and left.

She sat down with a loud huff.

Meredith reentered the room.

"You're pale," she stated and sat down beside her. "I heard it through the door." She then said "Derek got Chief."

Addison nodded. Meredith seemed to hold her breath, waiting for her to say something.

"I can't stay here," Addison then said. "How am I supposed to work here? I can't work here with my ex-husband as my boss. It's not possible. Life is going to be hell. Heck, maybe he'll fire me. That would be solving that problem at least."

"Chief already said it, you're too valuable to be fired. Derek wouldn't fire you."

"Yeah, but that wouldn't stop him from pestering my very existence," she said bitterly.

They sat for a while, pondering their messed up situation.

"It's not going to be easy for you either. Derek would never forgive you for raising his child with me. He wouldn't forgive you either for fucking Mark, and he would probably want to kill us both if you were carrying his children. And even if you abort the babies, it's not sure he would ever forgive us anyway."

Meredith nodded.

"I like it here. I grew up here," she said.

"Sometimes... Sometimes you just have to leave," Addison whispered. "I know it doesn't seem fair. And I too, I want to say that we'll just ignore Derek and that we won't give him the power to affect our lives, but... That's not reality. And reality doesn't seem fair."

"I don't want to go. I have my friends here, my mother's house... I have... This is my life, Addison."

"Things change. Maybe it's time for us to accept that. Accept it and move on."

~GA~

A couple of days later Richard officially retired and Derek took his position as Chief of Surgery.

"At least it's not Sloan," Cristina smirked as Addison and Meredith stopped at the over-walk, looking into the glass walls that contained the Chief's office.

Derek was putting up some personal belongings in the office. He wasn't wearing scrubs, he was wearing nice, pretty Chief-like clothes with a light blue shirt and tie.

"This is going to be... hell," Meredith swallowed.

"I'm gonna talk to him."

"What? Why?" Both Cristina and Meredith demanded.

"I've been married to the guy. I can handle him," she said, sounding as if she was going out to an important mission of some sort.

"If you look for me, I'll be in the pit," Meredith called after her when she started walking toward Derek's office.

She knocked on the door frame, letting herself in.

"Addison," he smiled. "What brings you here? Do you want to steal something else from me?"

"Ha, ha," she said. She wouldn't let his sarcasm get to her.

"No, seriously?" he said coldly, putting up a photo on his desk of his sisters.

"I need to know, are you... Are you going to make it completely impossible for us to work together?"

He continued unpacking things and putting them on his desk.

"Your contract is not binding," he pointed out slowly.

"I know that," she said quietly and walked over to the desk and took the photo frame in her hands. "I miss her," she said and put her finger at Amelia's face. "You never got quite along. It's a shame, because she's such a sweet girl."

"You know I could fire you," he said, ignoring her comment on one of his sisters.

"If Meredith wants to stay I'll stay," she said and put back the frame on the table.

Derek clenched his fists, not looking at her.

"Derek, are you going to hold a grudge against me forever?" she said and crossed her arms.

He didn't answer and she let out a frustrated sigh.

"What's stopping you then?" she asked.

"It would be so much easier for both of us if you just quit," he told her.

Addison pursed her lips.

"You have two houses at the East coast. Just go there, and leave me be."

"If I'd go, it wouldn't be because of you wanting me to, it would be because I'd want to. Just to make it clear," she said and walked out of there.

While walking hurriedly through the corridors she felt a sudden urge to cry. She tried to force her tears to go back to her tear canals, but her face crumpled and she pushed herself into a storage room.

She didn't want to lose her job. She didn't want to flee. It was her right to live wherever she wanted to, and it felt like her freedom was being violated.


	21. Babies During Wartime

_A/N: Me and my friends have made it a tradition to go out eat Chinese food every time I get 100 reviews. So, I just want to thank you all so much for giving me an opportunity to eat Chinese food, but especially for having read this fic for so long! Without you, I wouldn't be writing. Seriously. Xxxxxx_

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><p><strong>I Don't Hate You<strong>

_**Chapter 21: Babies During Wartime**_

One night when Addison was just about to drift off Meredith said "Baby-names."

"Hm?" Addison mumbled, waking up a bit.

"I can't stop thinking of baby-names. What do you think of Ashley, or Molly? Addie? Hey," she shook her shoulder.

Addison made herself wake up and sat herself up so she wouldn't fall asleep again.

"Why are you talking about baby-names?" she asked, her voice drenched in sleep.

"Because I'm... I think I'm growing fond of this... I mean, maybe it wouldn't be so bad to have children, even though there are two of them."

"Seriously?" Addison said, suddenly feeling perfectly clear.

"I can't make this decision without you. I can't do this without you."

Addison took her hands in hers. "There are single mothers out there, having lots of children. They can do it, so why wouldn't we be capable of having two babies? We can do it. I know we can."

"Only if you'll be as much of a mother as I will. Equal. If we split up-"

"We won't split up."

"But _if_ we do, you'll have half the custody, okay? It has to be equal."

"Yes, we'll be equally mothers."

"Okay," Meredith said, and then took a big breath, heaving her chest as if she had to get some extra air in her lungs to pronounce the words she wanted to say.

"We," she started, making a pause, "are... going to have babies?"

Addison laughed at her frightened expression. Meredith smacked her lightly on her shoulder and grimaced at her.

Addison smothered her laughter and nodded encouragingly at her girlfriend.

"We're going to be parents," Meredith said. "We're going to have babies," she said and her face broke up in a smile.

Addison smiled bigger.

"We're having twins!" she said happily.

Meredith jumped up and took a hold of Addison's shoulders and exclaimed "We're having twins!"

"Yes!"

She crashed her lips onto hers, and Addison pushed her down on her back. They kissed, they made love and they laughed and cried. It felt so good, having made a decision, permitting them to let out all the tension they had built up these past few days.

This whole new life was daring to take a permanent hold in their minds. They were starting a family.

~GA~

The next following weeks Derek only talked to Addison when he had to. He was handling his job as Chief of Surgery pretty well, as anyone could when they were new at a job, even though she suspected he was taking a lot of advice from Burke.

Meredith had been working a lot with Addison, since Derek refused taking her as his intern when he worked as the neuro specialist. They hadn't hired a replacement for head of neurology yet.

Addison was pretty okay with this. It was selfish, because being around Meredith all the time made it possible for her to help her more with the pregnancy. But for Meredith it wasn't the best thing. Neonatal wasn't her thing, and seeing babies all the time seemed to scare her, and helping out with difficult births totally freaked her out. She didn't let the patients see it, but Addison, knowing her so well, could see her emotions leaking out regardless what she did to hide it. Then she always had to calm her down afterward and tell her that she most likely will have a really smooth delivery without complications, and even if she did, she would make sure everything would be okay.

When Meredith was almost 3 months pregnant she'd started showing, and showing quickly. She hadn't been having hardly any symptoms but then, suddenly, she threw up, at any time of the day, but mostly during the afternoons.

"How should we tell him?" Meredith asked Addison, a morning before work, after she'd rinsed out her mouth after an attack of morning sickness.

"Tell him?"

"Derek. Mark is always checking up on me. I think... Maybe he even wants to become a father. But he wants to tell Derek, or, he wants me to tell Derek. I don't know if I'm ready. I mean, he already hates me."

"He couldn't hate you," Addison tried, moving up from behind Meredith and pulling her arms around her waist.

They looked at each other in the mirror. Meredith was only wearing underwear and her belly had a small roundness. Her breasts had grown and they looked like they were trying to escape her bra.

"It's starting to show," Meredith pointed out, leading Addison's hands to her rounded stomach.

Addison slightly smiled.

"You're beautiful," she said and kissed her on her neck.

"Thank you. Will you still love me when I'm all fat and then all floppy?"

"Floppy?" Addison chuckled.

"With stretch marks, and the skin just hanging down to my knees."

"It won't hang down to your knees," Addison rolled her eyes.

Meredith sighed and squeezed her breasts. "My boobs are sore," she complained and Addison pulled her closer, as if it would make it help.

"So...," Addison started. "Derek."

"Yes. Derek," Meredith nodded tightly. "I have to tell him before he'll find out this way," she said and slightly patted her belly.

"We'll tell him together," Addison mumbled.

"When?"

"Today?"

Meredith contemplated this idea.

"We've been avoiding this so long," she finally said, her voice low.

"Too long."

"Yeah," Meredith nodded quietly.

"That's why we should do it today. It'll just be even more painful if we don't do it now. We've been waiting just because we didn't want to take the pain. I think, I mean, it is unrealistic of us to think that we'll get out of this painless."

~GA~

Arriving to the hospital the couple stopped by the surgical board and searched for Derek's name. They were having a mumbled conversation, their heads close together, to try to find out when they should talk to him.

"I want Cristina with us. You know, we shouldn't be alone with Derek when he finds out. He will probably become very angry," Meredith said.

"But since he's the Chief, he'll try to be civilized about it, he doesn't want to bring a bad name upon the hospital and maybe he'd get fired if he got too cavemanish... probably."

Addison suddenly felt an urge to bail. Which Meredith noticed.

"We are doing this," she hissed. "It was your idea. And you were right, and you know you were right so just get it together."

Addison sighed and tried to gather every bit of courage she had in her. She wouldn't bail, but it sure wouldn't be a pleasant thing to do.

"We'll leave Mark out of it. They've fought before and that is probably what would happen if we brought him there. We'll let them take care of it themselves," Meredith continued planning.

Addison just nodded and Meredith glared at her again.

"We'll just get it over with, 'kay?" Addison said, wanting to let her know that she wouldn't bail. "We'll go now?"

"Yes," Meredith agreed and slithered her hands around Addison's back, pulled her closer and kissed her casually on the lips.

They heard a strange noise and a shout of surprise, which made them loosen their embrace and looked around.

"Ow."

Apparently O'Malley had been on his way passed them, and saw them kissing just when he rounded the corner and walked right into a male nurse that hadn't been watching where he was going either and they tumbled to the floor.

"Seriously. Get over yourselves," Meredith said, rolling her eyes. "I mean, seriously."

Addison smirked seeing how annoyed Meredith got. She grabbed her hand and they walked together up the stairs, where they met Cristina and she followed them. They passed the over-walk to go to the Chief's office and stopped in front of the door. Still holding hands. They looked at each other.

"This is it," Meredith said, nodding as if to convince herself to do this. "Who's saying what? I mean, maybe we should have made a script. We're not prepared enough, maybe we should just come back later and-"

The door opened and they both jumped.

"What are you doing here?" Derek asked, looking at Addison's and Meredith's conjoined hands and then at Cristina. "I could hear you talk."

"We need to speak to you," Addison said, pronouncing her words carefully so her voice wouldn't tremble.

Derek crossed his arms and gave them all a scrutinizing gaze.

"Fine," he eventually said suspiciously. "Come on in."

He stepped aside and let them in and walked back to his desk where he sat down on his comfortable chair. Cristina closed the door behind them and they sat down side by side in front of him.

Addison suddenly thought about herself sitting beside Derek in the very same chairs in front of the Chief. The roles had changed.

"So, what's up?" he asked, his face a stone.

"We have something to tell you," Addison said slowly when Meredith seemed to have her tongue glued to the roof of her mouth.

Addison looked at her. Meredith's eyes flickered between her knees and Addison's gaze. Derek was quiet, waiting, perplexed and probably fearing the worst.

Cristina gave Meredith a slight push. It alerted her and she stood up. Derek looked at her with puzzled eyes, and then she turned around and showed him her profile and tugged on her scrubs, making the fabric stretch over her rounded belly.

The color drained from Derek's face. He looked quickly away from Meredith as the information penetrated his head and he grasped his face in desperation. Then he turned into more of a stone than ever. He smashed his laptop shut and then got to his feet and walked quickly out of there.

Addison was quick to follow him. She looked to the right and to the left and saw that he was storming off over the over-walk.

"Derek," she called after him.

He walked faster.

"Derek," she called again and started running.

She advanced on him and grabbed a hold of his wrist to make him stop, but he just snapped his hand out of her grip and said loudly "Leave me alone, Addison."

"Derek, we need to talk about this, we need to talk. Just let us explain and then you can walk away. Don't do this. Don't walk away from this."

He suddenly turned around, almost making her bump right into him.

"What do you want from me, Addison?" he asked coldly.

"Don't tell me you don't care. You have to care!" she said with disbelief. How could he be so cold about this?

He took a tight grip on the rail to support himself. Why he'd need to support himself she couldn't pinpoint.

"Do you seriously believe I do not care after you take away the love of my life and then keep my baby a secret from me?" he said just as coldly as before. "What do you expect me to do? Just accept this and let you raise my child? I do have rights, and you can't keep treating me like I'm worth nothing," he said still without raising his voice. She was surprised to see that he didn't just rush off, like he used to, but seemed to wait for her to respond.

"You're not worth nothing," she tried. "We waited with telling you because we thought you would react so bad."

"Is my reaction really that strange to you... Don't you think I would have reacted better if she'd told me earlier? And what have you got to do with this? It's not like it's your child she's carrying!"

"I am going to be a mother, no matter what you say about it," she said careful not to mention that they were having twins. Derek needed to calm down until he got anymore news.

"Give me a break, Addison," Derek said . "What are you going to do? Just cut the baby's father out of its life?" he said with a hint of sarcasm.

"No, of course not. But we'd understand if-" she interrupted herself so she wouldn't say something she'd regret. "You should come back and talk with Meredith and I. There's things you need to know," she said quickly with a pleading in her voice. "We have to talk to you, and we've waited because this isn't all there is to know. I'm sorry for hurting you Derek."

"You're not sorry," he said spitefully. "I want to talk to Meredith about this. And Meredith alone. I've had enough of you."

"Fine," she said and raised her hands in defeat. "Go back and talk to her."

He did just that. Addison followed him.

Cristina and Meredith were standing outside of Derek's office, watching them at a distance.

Derek just walked into his office, with only a nod directed toward Meredith. Meredith looked at Addison with confused eyes.

"I agreed to let him talk to you alone," she mumbled as an answer to her silent question.

Meredith bit her lip, but she nodded. Addison smiled sadly, she didn't like seeing Meredith looking so worried.

"It will be okay," Meredith said.

"You sure?"

"Yes, it's fine. It's Derek. He would never hurt me, so stop worrying," she said and kissed her quickly on the mouth before going inside the office and closing the door behind her.

After momentarily staring at the door she turned around to face Cristina.

"Should we watch?" Cristina asked and Addison smiled.

They went out to the over-walk and looked at Meredith and Derek through the glass walls of the office. They watched them talk calmly, until Meredith seemed to have a monologue and Derek grew stiff.

His back was turned to them and they watched carefully Meredith's face when it looked like he talked.

They saw how Meredith seemed to protest as Derek suddenly had enough and left the room. He passed them on the over-walk, totally ignoring them. His face was pale with contained rage.

Addison met Meredith half-way back to the office. She grabbed her by the arms.

"He's going after Mark," Meredith exclaimed.

Addison shrugged. "Let him."

Meredith looked horrified.

"Meredith, think about it. If he beats up Mark, he's going to lose his job," she beamed.

"We have to watch this," Cristina suddenly said. Addison had almost forgotten about her presence.

Cristina was on fire, she wanted to see a fight or just the internal fight Derek would be having trying not to ruin his career by getting into an actual fight.

"Come on!" she urged them.

"We owe it to Mark. We can't just leave Derek with him. Didn't you see his face? He's crazy," Meredith said. "Addison!"

That last shout-out did it. Addison nodded and they immediately began running the same direction Derek had gone. She tried to call him, she paged him, but no answer.

Eventually they lost him.

"What do we do now?" Meredith asked.

"Uhm," Addison just said, thinking.

"The surgical board!" Cristina exclaimed and without any other word they hurried toward that direction.

They didn't care about the odd looks they got from the people they passed, and they skidded to a halt in front of the board. Addison wiped the sweat off her forehead and quickly ogled through Derek's writing. She was the one most used reading it and therefore found what they looked for first.

"He's in surgery. OR 2," she panted and they hurried off again, taking the stairs instead of the elevator.

They caught Derek in the OR corridor.

"Derek!" Addison called out to him.

He turned abruptly around. He looked furious.

"Leave me alone. I need to speak to Mark."

"Derek, don't do anything you'll regret," she panted, clutching her side in pain.

Cristina was resting her hands on her knees, breathing heavily and her face was writhed in pain. Meredith joined Addison's side.

"Everything is wrong about this," Derek said. "I want you two out of my hospital," he continued. "But right now, I need to speak to Mark."

"Don't do anything stupid," Addison said, walking closer to him.

"Stop meddling," he said. "Go home."

He turned to the door and opened it, she grabbed his arm, to make him stay, even with force, but he tried to shrug her off. She pulled his arm, and told him to leave Mark alone.

"Fuck you Addison. Get the hell off!" he roared and took a firm grip by her wrist and twisted it off. He twisted it a bit further than absolutely needed.

She clutched her wrist in pain and the momentarily shock let him slip inside the door.

"Maybe we should have just stayed out of it," she said.

Meredith stroke her back.

A short moment later Derek came back out along with Mark.

"Come," Derek muttered and they followed him to an empty OR.

Mark was about to protest, he was to be in surgery after all, but after taking a look at their faces, he just shut his mouth.

While inside, Derek grabbed a hold of Meredith's arm and dragged her in front of Mark.

"What the hell Mark?" he said, showing Meredith as if she was evidence on a crime scene.

She pulled her arm out of his grip, looking like an angry kitten.

Mark removed his scrub cap and twisted it in his hands.

"So you know?" he asked.

Derek glared at him.

Mark tried to laugh it off. "You know me, Derek."

Meredith rubbed her forehead with her fingertips and sighed.

"You knew?" Derek asked him, frowning through his anger. "You knew she's pregnant?"

Mark nodded and Derek's fist hit his precious cheek bone. Mark closed his eyes, just taking the blow without trying to get back to him, like he usually would.

Meredith jumped away from them. Addison wondered if she felt some kind of maternal instinct of protecting herself. She wrapped her arms around her and glared at Derek and Mark.

Mark was bleeding from his face, but he didn't seem to care. He had probably been expecting this.

"I've known for a while," he said and ducked when Derek's fist flew through the air again. He held out his hands and backed off. "Stop it Derek. Nothing good will come out of this. What's passed is passed," he tried to reason, but Derek hit him again. Getting to his nose this time.

Now all the diplomacy Mark had in him just ran out. They began fighting pretty violently. Derek got pushed into the OR table and surgical instruments rattled to the floor.

The women just pushed themselves up against the wall, trying to look as small and insignificant as possible.

"The nurses won't like this," Cristina mumbled.

They didn't even try to scream to stop them. It got really violent, until Mark was on the ground and he grasped at the floor and found a scalpel which he aimed against Derek.

Derek jerked back, and Mark got to his feet, still with the scalpel pointed toward his ex-best friend.

"Stop this Derek," Mark said hoarsely, supporting himself with one hand against his knee.

"Are you going to cut me?" Derek asked.

"I don't want to," he said truthfully. "But this isn't leading to anything good."

"I know," Derek surprised them by saying. He backed off and sat down on the anesthesiologist's chair.

Mark put down the scalpel.

Meredith looked between the two. Derek was covering his face in his hands and Mark tried to feel his face, to get some idea of the extent of his wounds. Addison gasped when Meredith chose to approach Mark to tend to his injuries.

She clutched his nose and pulled it right. It snapped and Mark made a grunt of pain.

Derek looked up. His eyes were red. He met Addison's gaze and he looked away.

She knew him. He was fragile now. She hadn't seen him this sad in a long time. That Mark and Meredith were there didn't matter, because they all knew him so well, but Cristina's presence might make the situation too tense.

She turned to Cristina, who was still standing against the wall.

"Cristina, you can go," Addison mumbled, so the other ones wouldn't hear.

She didn't protest and walked out of there after casting a last glance on the four of them.

Meredith had started suturing Mark's face, closely following his directions. It was his face, after all.

Addison carefully approached Derek, and squatted at his side. He had covered his face in his hands again.

"Derek," she said and put her hands on his knees. "Look at me."

She pried his hands off.

He looked at her and sniffled.

"I'm sorry," he said.

"I know you're only apologizing for crying," she said and smiled slightly.

Derek nodded.

"I want you to do a paternity test on the babies," he said.

She flinched. "That's an unnecessary risk, Derek. You know that. I won't agree to anything like that. I can't see any problem with waiting until the babies are born."

"You're not the one who will have to wait over half a year to know whether you're a father or not. It's not fair. Who are you to decide these things?"

She sat down on the floor with a sigh.

"We're not taking any risks like that and that's final."

Derek glared at her and she glared just as angrily back at him.

He turned away his gaze and looked sad.

"Would you even let anyone of us be the father?"

"Yes, of course. But if you don't want anything to do with it, I'll adopt them."

He nodded tiredly.

"But I will be just as much of a mother to them as Meredith will. And this is something you'll have to except," she continued.

Derek hesitated for a moment, but then he nodded once with a very tiny movement. It was so tiny that she wasn't even sure it had happened.

"I don't know what kind of part I want in this," he whispered.

"I know," she whispered, trying to take his hand, but he pulled it away from her.

"I can't work with you anymore."

She looked down and nodded.

"Can you please go? Just for now. We should have some time apart. This is just... too much. I don't want to kick you out, you know, and I understand that you don't want to leave because of me."

"Yeah," she whispered. "It won't be because of you. I can kick you off of your post if I'd want to, but I'm not going to create anymore drama than we've already had. Meredith needs calm and I'm just fed up with all this crap. I mean, what the hell is this? I'm not going to watch you and Mark beat each other up all the time!" she said, fighting off the urge to pull her hair and say that Derek was immature, which he was, but it felt stupid to anger him again.

Derek was silent for a moment, contemplating the things she'd said.

"It would be a shame to lose the best neonatal surgeon this country can offer," he said thoughtfully and he you could even see the hint of a smile in the corner of his mouth.

"Yeah. Maybe the best neonatal surgeon of this country will come back for some cases in the future," in her head she added 'When you've grown up'.

He nodded. This time his hand twitched as if he wanted to take her hand in his, but he changed his mind and kept them for himself, not touching her.

"I do understand that this is real," he said, obviously referring to her and Meredith's relationship. "But you're demanding too much of me, if I have to be around the women of my life, who do not love me anymore, but love each other... It's too much."

"I get it," she whispered. "Give us some time here first, and be civilized about it. I won't let Meredith fly during the first trimester and her internship is almost finished, so let her just finish it here, without trying to mess it up for her. It would be stupid to make her finish it elsewhere when she's so close to the end."

"Of course I wouldn't try to mess it up," he said, but then he sighed. "If you need anything..."

"Yeah."

Addison stood up.

"Meredith?" she said.

Meredith was done suturing Mark and he was actually having a conversion with her belly. Derek looked at the two with tired eyes.

"Meredith, can we go?" Addison asked quietly.

"Yeah," she nodded and pulled down her scrub shirt again.

They all left the OR. A nervous-looking nurse was waiting for Mark in the corridor and told him that he was replaced for the moment and asked him if he wanted to scrub in again. He did and followed the nurse into the other OR.

Derek nodded at Meredith and Addison before he walked away.

Addison wrapped her arm around Meredith and they went home.


	22. A Temporary Fix

_A/N: I'm sorry for taking so long with the update! PLEASE REVIEW!_

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><p><strong>I Don't Hate You<strong>

_**Chapter 22: A Temporary Fix**_

"It will only be temporary."

"I have no problem with New York. Seriously," Meredith said when Addison didn't believe her. "It will be fun."

"Are you sure? I mean, it is the house Derek and I spent most of our marriage in," Addison said.

"I have no problem with it. We'll make it ours," Meredith reassured her and kissed her. "By the way," she then said, "I want to keep this house, but let my friends continue living here. If we don't come back I mean."

Addison smiled. "Okay. And we'll come back. As I said it's only temporary."

Meredith rolled her eyes for probably the tenth time during their conversation. "What if we like it there? Maybe we won't want to come back," she reasoned.

Addison opened her mouth to protest but Meredith just sighed at her. All her force for arguing seemed to have disappeared.

"I have to run to the hospital now," Meredith interrupted her.

"I'll meet you for lunch."

~GA~

At lunch Meredith seemed to have something to say. Addison didn't push her, but she was starting to get annoyed with her silence.

"What is it?" she finally asked her.

"We need to talk about our parents."

"Oh, uhm, okay," Addison said. "Why? I thought we were fine without discussing them."

Meredith gave her a quick sharp look, which made her keep quiet. Meredith poked in her lunch, and kept her gaze lowered at her plate when she slowly said "My mother isn't traveling."

Addison put her elbows on the table and supported her chin in her hands, getting ready to listen for a while.

"She's got Alzheimer's."

"Oh," Addison breathed and Meredith looked up at her. "How advanced is it?"

"Very," she said sadly.

"Where is she?"

"She's at a home... Therefore, all the phone calls you know."

"Yeah," she nodded, putting the pieces together in her head.

"My mother didn't want anyone to know, so I am the only one she's got. That's why I can't just leave her in Seattle when we move to New York."

"Of course. But we'll bring her with us. I can arrange a place for her at a home there. We'll find the best for her."

"Okay," Meredith said and smiled.

~GA~

About two months later Meredith had made her exams and she was now to be called a resident. Her baby bump had gotten bigger too and she had started sleeping with a pillow between her legs. She was also always tired.

"Meredith?" Addison whispered. "Are you asleep?"

Her eyes were closed and she was breathing evenly and calmly. She didn't react.

"I love you," Addison whispered, watching her carefully. "But I think Derek still loves you too. I just wanted to tell you that. Not that it changes anything but I thought you should be aware of the fact, because you are important for so many people. You have me, Derek, Cristina and in some way Mark too. I actually kept the Yankees Onesie he bought when he got me pregnant... Anyway, I mean, you are so great, Meredith. And now you're ripping your life apart and moving to New York, all because of me. I don't know how to repay you for all you've done to me. I don't know if it's possible to feel more love for someone than I do for you. It's probably a record. It doesn't feel enough to only give you love. I want you to have everything. Everything, Mer. In two days we'll leave from here and start a new life, our very own life. I hope you're excited and that it doesn't hurt too much to leave Cristina," Addison whispered on.

She made a short pause.

"I really do love you. If I had known it was possible to love this much, this hard, I would never have married Derek. But then again, I wouldn't have met you, I guess. Maybe things do happen for a reason."

Addison felt like she had said everything she needed to say, so she cuddled closer to Meredith and then fell quickly asleep.

~GA~

The night before they would get on a plane to New York she went to Derek's trailer. He was sitting in front of it, his feet casually placed on a small table and he had a bottle of beer in his hand. She walked hesitantly up to him, afraid that he would lash out and slam the door in her face or something like that.

They hadn't exactly talked inside of the hospital. Derek wasn't exactly a talkative kind of guy when it was about things he didn't understand or couldn't control.

She couldn't believe she used to live there with him. That was a horrible time of her life.

"Hi," she said and he nodded curtly, which wasn't very hospital. However he motioned toward another chair in front of his own and opened another bottle of beer which he placed in her direction on the table.

"Thanks," she said and sat down on the suggested seat.

She brought the bottle to her lips, while looking at him with searching eyes.

"You're leaving tomorrow," he stated and she nodded.

"How does that make you feel?" Addison asked, realizing that she sounded like a shrink.

Derek lifted an eyebrow and then sighed.

"I am still not okay with the whole... you and Meredith thing. It just doesn't seem right to me, but it's out of my hands and it's better if I'm not your boss. Plus... You do belong in New York Addison."

"But it's still very likely that we'll return to Seattle," she pointed out.

He barely nodded and took a big sip out of his beer. They drank in silence. Watching the evening mist cover his land.

She finally put down the empty bottle on the table and got up to her feet.

"Goodbye Derek," she said, and the words felt very final in a strange way.

He met her eyes for the longest period of time since she came there.

"Goodbye, Addison," he answered and seemed to make himself smile at her.

~GA~

"Did you forget anything?" O'Malley asked, looking into their bedroom.

Addison was alone there, Meredith had gone to her mother's nursing home to get her. They would meet at the airport later and Addison was trying to pack the last few things. Some furniture and a bunch of boxes with Meredith's things had been sent off to New York almost a month ago.

"Uhm, I don't think so," Addison said, twirled around to look at the room once more.

She had been very thorough when she'd made the bed, and on top of it lay two big suitcases. They were open and there was piles of clothing stacked inside of them, mixed with a couple of perfumes and hair products. Meredith had only one suitcase, smaller than Addison's, and it was placed by the door so Addison wouldn't be able to forget it.

Stevens stuck in her head there too and waved with two toothbrushes in front of her. "Don't forget your toothbrush," she said.

Addison laughed. It was hardly the most important thing. They should even buy new ones.

"You can throw them away, Iz," she said.

"Iz?" she repeated, puzzled.

"You don't need to call me Dr. Montgomery, anymore. I'm not your attending, I'm just your friend's girlfriend. And you're the girlfriend of my ex-boyfriend, so I consider you as a friend. We should have started calling each other by the first name a really long time ago."

Izzie beamed.

"Oh!" she suddenly said and ran out of the room. George looked after her, looking baffled.

"What was that about?" Addison asked him. He shrugged.

She put her hands on her hips and looked around in the room again. Then she finally closed her suitcases.

Izzie returned.

"Wait!" she said.

Addison turned around.

"I've made cupcakes!" she beamed.

Addison told her thanks and put them in her hand luggage.

When she was getting help from Alex to carry the luggage downstairs, Callie entered the house. She was crying.

"Callie!" Addison gasped and left the suitcase she was carrying in the middle of the stairs and rushed down to hug her friend.

"I don't want you to leave," she cried.

Addison hushed her. "It'll be okay, sweetie. We'll go visit each other all the time and we'll talk to each other by phone. It will be fine."

"Yeah, but then when I call you, you'll be asleep or when you call me I'll be asleep."

"Those are not valid arguments," Addison smirked. "We're doctors. We're often up all night."

"Maybe," Callie sniffled.

A cab honked outside of the house. It was time for Addison to go.

"Callie, I have to-"

"Yes, I know," she said and kissed her cheek. "I'll see you soon. It's better to say it that way, and I can't really deal with it if we'll just say goodbye, so... I'll see you soon."

"See you soon," Addison said and smiled sadly and hugged her tightly again.

~GA~

In the cab Meredith called her.

"Baby, we have a problem," Meredith's stressed voice said just as she said hello.

"What?" Addison said and straightened in her seat, nearly getting on her toes.

"My mom is lucid."

Addison's mouth formed a tiny "oh" without making any sound at all.

"Apparently she woke up this morning and she's completely lucid."

"Wha-, I mean, is it... Will it last?" Addison croaked.

"No," Meredith sighed. "Maybe it will last a day, if I'm lucky. Everyone here is saying that I'm very lucky, but...," she said and her voice died out.

"But you don't feel so lucky?" Addison tried.

Somehow she could feel Meredith nod at the end of the line.

"How, uhm, can she fly in a state like that?" Addison asked.

"Yes. She's still having a nurse with her, as planned, everything should be fine. Just a bit extra confusing for her. We're actually at the airport right now. The nurse is with her. They can't hear what I'm saying right now."

"Have you talked to her?"

"Yeah... We had to explain to her the time that had elapsed. It wasn't easy."

"How much, uhm, have you explained about yourself? And me?"

"She knows. It does show on me that I'm pregnant, so she asked me about it, and when she asked me about the father I told her that I've got a girlfriend. I also told her we're moving to New York today. She doesn't like any of this. She's so disappointed in me but mostly she doesn't like that I am the one being in control, even if she understands the logic in it."

"Okay."

"But Addison," Meredith said seriously.

"Hm?"

"She's charming, she's fabulous and then suddenly she's the enemy," she warned her.

"I'm meeting the enemy?" Addison repeated.

"Just don't get personal."

"You're being ridiculous," Addison smirked.

"I'm not being ridiculous!"

"And how am I supposed to not get personal? The things she already knows about me are pretty personal."

"Just be careful, she has ways."

"Yes, I will," she rolled her eyes, happy that Meredith couldn't see it.

"Don't roll your eyes at me," Meredith snapped.

"I didn't!"

Meredith muttered something incoherently and then said "Are you getting here soon?"

"Yeah, uhm, five minutes."

~GA~

Meeting the sharp gaze of Ellis Grey made Addison feel incredibly small. Her eyes were burning holes in her as she approached them and Meredith kissed her cheek. The nurse wasn't there.

"So you are Addison Montgomery," Ellis said.

"Yes, Dr. Grey," Addison said nervously.

It was as if the woman's eyes were x-rays, scrutinizing her from head to toe.

"Meredith told me you are a neonatal specialist. How come you, as an attending showed interest in my daughter? I dare to assume that you are not the father," Ellis said with a hint of sarcasm.

"I love her. And I hope you give us your blessing," Addison said, smiling and putting her arm around Meredith's waist, pulling her closer.

"Oh please," Ellis rolled her eyes. "Why would that matter? I have Alzheimer's. I'll probably disappear in an hour or so. My opinion doesn't mean anything."

"Of course it does," Addison disagreed.

Ellis just tilted her eyebrows at her. She was the most intimating person she'd ever met.

"Hm," Ellis said and pursed her lips in disapproval. "As a neonatal surgeon I would assume that you've made a birth plan."

"Nothing concrete," Addison answered shyly, blushing.

Ellis Grey didn't look pleased at all.

Addison didn't say anything. She fought off the urge to scrape at the ground with her shoe.

Ellis suddenly turned to Meredith, apparently deciding to ignore Addison.

"You're unfocused Meredith," she said sharply.

"What?" Meredith breathed.

"Anyone can fall in love and be blindly happy, but not everyone can pick up a scalpel and save a life. I've raised you to be an extraordinary human being, so imagine my disappointment when I wake up after five years to discover you're no more than ordinary! What happened to you?"

Meredith's eyes teared up. She looked like she'd been slapped in the face.

"Dr. Grey, with all do respect-" Addison began.

"A neonatal surgeon? Are you kidding me? A woman, fine. It doesn't matter to me, but the Meredith I knew was a force of nature – passionate, focused, a fighter. You've gone soft! You're pregnant! And you're together with a neonatal surgeon. Are you going to start wearing pink too? And now you're moving to New York. Have you even thought about what I want? Maybe I don't want to be a part of this fluffy little dream you've conjured."

Addison couldn't make herself close her mouth.

"I'm not sure staying alone in Seattle would be a better choice for you, even if you'd have to bare with my softness," Meredith said, aiming for acidity, but her voice shook along with her tears, so the effect wasn't that sharp at all.

"I don't know what happened to you, Meredith. A neonatal surgeon? Are you kidding me, Meredith. How did she make you agree to move to New York?"

Addison looked down at her feet and counted silently to ten, pursing her lips in discontent. She didn't like hearing her profession being disdained, or herself for that matter.

"You have no idea what's going on. We are moving to New York because that is what is best for us now."

"Apparently what I want doesn't matter! It isn't even legally binding! You're in charge!"

"You think I like making these decisions for you? Do you think it's fun getting calls from the nursing home, asking whether I was planning on giving the nurse who changes you every morning a Christmas tip? But I do it, because you have managed to alienate everybody else in your life," she told her, looking straight into her mother's eyes. Her eyes were tearing up and her voice began to shake. "And I am the only one. So I have to step up and do it. Do you even think I want to have you with me to New York? I have done nothing to deserve this from you, and especially not Addison. I might be ordinary and unfocused, but that, that is your fault. Do you want to know what happened to me? You! You happened to me!"

Meredith stalked off to the bathroom. Addison didn't feel like she could leave Ellis there and wondered where the nurse was. There was an awkward silence between her and Ellis. It was probably one of the most awkward moments in her life.

"She's right," Ellis mumbled, breaking the silence.

Addison looked up at her, curious. Ellis gave her a scrutinizing gaze again.

"She's special, you know," Ellis said and Addison nodded. "You do understand that right? Meredith won't be a neonatal surgeon. You can't tie her down, because she is a force of nature and if you try to make her become some kind of cuddly, pink-wearing mother," Ellis said scornfully and cast a demeaning glance at Addison's pink top, "I hope she'll disappoint you deeply."

"I know Meredith. You don't have to worry," Addison said, pronouncing the word as if they consisted of acid in her mouth as she was fighting off the rising rage within her.

"I don't worry," Ellis scoffed. "I know your type."

"Of course you do," Addison muttered, disliking this woman more and more by the second.

Ellis ignored her comment. It was possible that she hadn't registered it properly.

"Who is the father?"

Addison hesitated and Ellis's eyes shot flares.

"It's complicated."

"Is that why you're moving to New York? Are you fleeing something? Oh no, don't tell me you used my daughter for some kind of fertility project."

"She's not a project!" Addison couldn't help but shout, then stopped herself abruptly and cleared her throat. Ellis looked quite amused at the sight of her. "The father is here in Seattle."

"He doesn't want anything to do with it?"

Addison bit her lip.

"You don't know who the father is," Ellis stated.

"No," she mumbled.

Meredith came back along with the nurse. Addison was glad to get an opportunity to turn away from Ellis Grey and say "Meredith!" with an exaggerated happiness.

When glancing at the intimidating older woman, she could see how she rolled her eyes.

"I do not agree with this Meredith. I am lucid. I should have a right to decide," Ellis told her daughter, keeping her arms tightly crossed over her chest.

"Didn't you just hear a word I said? I am the only one," she said slowly so it would penetrate her mind. "I won't leave you alone."

"Oh look, it's time to board the plane," Addison said nervously.

~GA~

During the flight, Addison and Meredith was seated next to each other, and they had the nurse and Meredith's mother behind them.

It felt like Ellis Grey's eyes were made of laser, that could see through the airplane chair, right into the back of Addison's neck and into her soul. It made her feel extremely uncomfortable.

Meredith had shut off, she barely let Addison touch her and didn't answer to any type of conversation. Sometimes tears began rolling down her cheeks, but she thought hard to keep it down and not let her mother see that her words had hurt her.

It was a long flight. Addison fell asleep, and she woke up by hearing Meredith speak. Waking up, disoriented and confused she saw that Meredith had turned herself around and talked to her mother through the space between Addison's seat and hers.

"I don't want you to hate me, mom. You have to believe that I'm not making you move to New York just to mess with you. We plan on moving back, and you will see your beloved Seattle again, even though you won't be aware of it. The nurses have told me that you are particularly difficult with taking your meds. You need me, mom, whether you like it or not. You just have to deal with that," Meredith said quickly and agitatedly, it sounded like she had rehearsed it inside of her head.

"I don't hate you, Meredith. Why would you even assume such a thing?" Addison could hear Ellis Grey answer clearly. "

"And for the record, I haven't gone soft, I am a surgical resident now and I happen to love someone, and just because you never succeeded with finding that love I have, doesn't mean you have the right to demean mine!" she hissed, barely breathing through her phrases.

Addison watched Meredith's face carefully as Ellis didn't answer.

"So you should apologize to us," she added, her voice a bit smaller. Ellis still didn't answer.

"Dr. Grey?" the nurse asked.

Still no response.

"Mom?" Meredith said, her voice trembled slightly.

Addison watched how her face was frozen, waiting for her mother to react, and then she heard Ellis say "You remind me of my daughter," a bit distractedly.

Meredith's eyes teared up immediately, and she turned away, both from her mother and from Addison and began crying heavily, leaning against the window.

"Meredith," Addison said softly and put a hand on Meredith's shoulder.

She shrugged her away, and Addison removed her hand. She looked at her devastated girlfriend, and decided that she didn't care that she didn't want to be touched, and took a firm grip around her and pulled her close to her, and pressed her tightly against her chest.

Meredith felt stiff in her arms, but she didn't fight her. Addison hushed her, stroked her hair and placed kisses on the top of her head. Eventually she calmed down and fell asleep.


	23. Out of Nowhere

_A/N: Readers, I'm not worthy *bows*_

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><p><strong>I Don't Hate You<strong>

_**Chapter 23: Out of Nowhere**_

Ellis Grey was placed in the nursing home the closest to Central Park. It was a classy and quite frankly, fabulous place.

Addison had bought a new mattress for the bed, it would just be too awkward to sleep on the same bed with Meredith as she had with both Derek and Mark...

They arrived late at night so they just went straight to sleep. The morning after Addison woke up, slightly confused about where she was, and Meredith wasn't in the bed.

"Mer?" she mumbled, stretched a bit. Immediately waking up.

She got out of bed and pulled on a nightgown, she tied it around her waist as she walked out of the bedroom at the top floor.

Meredith was moving around furniture in the room next to the master bedroom.

"What are you doing?" Addison frowned, leaning against the door frame.

Meredith stood up and smiled at her.

"I'm thinking this can be the nursery. We'll have to remove this and that, and probably repaint..."

"Meredith," Addison sighed. "We won't stay here for that long."

"How can you know that? What if we get accustomed living here? And, I think this could be good for us. Change is good."

"Have you eaten something you shouldn't have?"

"Change is good," Meredith emphasized. "This can be a blessing in disguise."

"Since when did you become positive?"

"Addison. You are spoiled. We are in New York. Do you how cool that is?"

"New York is," Addison started but interrupted herself and sighed. She then smirked. "Do you want to go sightseeing?"

"I never thought you'd ask," Meredith shone at her. "Can we go now?"

~GA~

Meredith liked New York, but she behaved a lot like a tourist and Addison wondered if they really could live there.

The last few days her phone had been receiving calls from Seattle. She refused to take them. Meredith spoke a lot to Cristina, but then, about a month after their arrival to New York, Meredith said that it was someone who wanted to speak to Addison.

"Who is it?" Addison mouthed, putting down the news paper she was reading.

Meredith shrugged. "It's urgent, take it."

Addison did so. "Hello?" she said suspiciously.

"Dr. Montgomery. Finally I've got a hold of you, I've been trying to reach you all week."

"Who are you?" Addison asked, trying to sound polite.

"I'm Johnathan Yates. I'm a member of the surgical board at Seattle Grace Hospital, we would like you to come back to the hospital."

"Why?" she frowned.

"Dr. Derek Shepherd had to be let go from his position as Chief of Surgery."

Addison dropped her jaw.

"What?" Meredith asked, jumping up from her seat and sitting down close to Addison, pressing her ear against the phone.

"We couldn't have our Chief of Surgery and Head of Plastics looking all battered and blue. There's rumors here."

"Why would you consider me as the best candidate when the rumors include me too?"

"People have been growing sympathy for you. They think we made the wrong decision, and now, we do too."

Addison couldn't make any sounds come out. Meredith elbowed her at her side.

"Uhm, I..."

"We want you to return to Seattle Grace as our Chief of Surgery."

"I can't accept this,"

"What?" Meredith practically screamed.

"I can't. I mean, why me? Why not Burke? He's more than qualified to this job."

"This hospital needs a strong leader. People are prepared to follow you, they look up to you as a role model."

"That's just absurd."

"No it's not. They see a strong, independent woman, that fought for what she wanted and got it in the end."

Addison sighed. "I've got a job here. Meredith too."

"But you wanted to be Chief."

"Yes. I did. I do. But I don't want to go back to all that drama."

"Shepherd left, if that's what you're worried about."

"Derek left?" Meredith mouthed, her eyes round and shocked.

"Where did he go?" Addison asked, but realized she didn't care, and getting slightly guilty for it.

"I don't know. The thing is, we want you back. Give me a call when you've decided. We'll want your answer on Wednesday."

"Okay."

They said goodbye.

"Addison!" Meredith gasped. "You're going to be Chief! This is all you ever wanted!"

"No it's not. It's not all I ever wanted. I don't deserve this, Burke should have it."

"But Addie," Meredith whined. "You do deserve it. You're amazing, and you're the youngest surgeon of your kind. It shouldn't even be possible to be as young as you are, with all your accomplishments."

Addison smiled slightly.

"Come on," Meredith said.

"We've just begun getting comfortable here. I don't want to root you up."

"You won't," Meredith rolled her eyes.

"What do you want?"

Meredith shrugged.

"Are you okay with going back to Seattle?"

"I don't care about the grapevine. I'm just going to be happy to be able to see my friends again. I miss Cristina. I even miss Alex."

"It is your home," Addison smiled.

She looked around in the livingroom. The house was filled with ghosts from the past. The person that looked back at her in the mirrors didn't seem right. She was supposed to be younger here, mostly happily married with Derek.

She remembered when they had moved in and they had danced on this very floor, knocking down a box on their way, breaking nice wine glasses.

"It's been so nice here," Meredith suddenly said, looking around in the room, tearing her away from her thoughts.

"Stop looking at me like that," Meredith snapped at her. Without realizing it, she'd been looking at Meredith, biting her lip and lifting one eyebrow. "This has been nice, in the sense of a vacation. If you wanna do what I want, we'll go back to Seattle-"

"But Mark is there," Addison whined.

"I don't care. It's a big hospital. Let's just go back to Seattle, you'll be Chief and you'll be awesome and we'll start a family there."

"You sure?"

"Yes," Meredith said and patted her rounded belly. She looked down on it and said with a squeaky tone of voice "You agree, don't you? You want mama to become Chief of a big hospital right?"

~GA~

Back at SGH, her first day at work, Mark approaches her just as she gets off the elevator at the surgical floor.

"You're Chief," he said and smiled crookedly.

"Yes," she said a bit unwillingly.

People were whispering even more now than before she left. It was annoying and it started getting on her nerves. The last couple of nights she hadn't gotten much of sleep because Cristina had kept on chasing her out of bed to discuss her love life or something with Meredith.

"Stop smirking like that," she told him off.

"I'm not smirking! You'll be a great Chief."

She glared at him, walking away.

"I mean it!"

Suddenly she felt a grip on her wrist and she was pulled back, and found herself in Mark's embrace.

"I'm glad you're back," he whispered into her hair, and then let her go.

It wasn't a romantic hug, it was a friendly, squeezing hug. But it still left her a baffled and kind of out of breath. Not in a sexual way, she didn't have feelings like that for him. She was just surprised and didn't understand him.

Walking away, she rounded a corner and almost bumped into Callie who also hugged her.

"You're Chief! That's great!"

"Yeah!" she agreed nervously.

"It is!" Callie emphasized. "What are you going to say at your speech?"

"My what?" she breathed.

"You forgot," Callie tilted her eyebrows in disbelief. "The new Chief always make a short speech. Oh my god, you didn't write anything."

"When is it?"

"Today of course! It's your first day!"

"Right," Addison said. This was something that had completely slipped her mind.

The next minutes she stayed in her new office, trying to conjure up something good to say in front of the staff, but the time seemed to slip away from her and moved far too quickly.

Someone knocked on her door.

"Yes?"

Meredith came in. She was five months pregnant and kind of wobbled when she walked. She grinned at her.

Addison left the desk to go and greet her.

"How are you?" Addison asked after having kissed her. She put her hands on the belly.

"I am fine and they are too," she smiled and rolled her eyes.

"Good," Addison smiled. She started kissing her down her neck.

Meredith melted in her arms, but then pushed her away, giggling. "This office is surrounded by windows!"

"Oh," Addison gasped and pulled away from Meredith. She looked around her. A couple of residents had stopped on the over-walk, pointing at them.

Addison turned to her girlfriend again. "Let them look."

Meredith's eyebrows shot to the air. "What? No!"

Addison laughed at her, slipping her hands around her waist.

"We can't- in here," she gasped.

"You're right," Addison agreed pulling away with a smirk. Meredith looked disappointed. "Later, I promise, now I have to prepare."

The time passed quickly and suddenly she was standing at the stage in the big assembly room. Interns, residents, attendings and nurses were watching her, sitting in the seats in front of her. Some of them snickering and talking amongst each other. She didn't really know how to announce that she was going to speak.

"Hi," she started off bleakly. The crowd slowly grew more and more quiet. "I'm Addison Montgomery, and I'm happy to say that I am the new Chief of Seattle Grace Hospital."

The crowd looked curiously at her.

It hit her that the hospital's trust might have just been built upon speculations from all the drama. Maybe they expected something from her she couldn't give.

She put away the piece of paper she had scribbled some notes on and straightened her back. She wouldn't back down.

"I know there's been some rumors going on," she said clearly and everyone made big eyes at her, it was strange having the staff's total attention just like that. "I believe that many of you do not feel that you can trust me, judging by the rumors that have been going around about me," she said and began pacing around.

"Therefore I believe it's the right thing to do to clear some things up," she said. "I was a candidate for the post as Chief earlier. I was not chosen. Derek Shepherd was chosen and yes, he is a great surgeon and I believe he would have made a terrific job. Some of you might have heard that it's my fault he left, and I honestly don't know why he left... As you know, I was in New York when that decision was made.

I also believe that you do not have the whole story. To clear things up and end the speculations, I will tell you, even if it is my personal information. But I believe that there is no room for personal when you take on the work as Chief of Surgery," she said and met Meredith's eyes for a moment; she was shaking her head, trying to get her to be quiet. She ignored her silent plea and tried to smile at her reassuringly, but it felt like it came off too stiff.

"It is true that I was married to Dr Shepherd for a long time. We had our problems and I, due to some issues between us and Dr Sloan, our head of plastics, made Dr Shepherd leave New York to come to Seattle. Richard Weber invited me to work here and I just happened to stay, the same happened for Dr Sloan. We became a shaky trio, because of all our baggage, and it didn't become better when I," she said and took a hasty breath, "fell in love with Meredith Grey."

A sound that could only be resembled to bees, erupted from the audience as they whispered and gasped amongst them.

"I didn't come back here to be whispered about," Addison said sharply, raising her voice to be heard over the crowd. They got quiet immediately. "I believe Seattle Grace Hospital is great and my vision is that we can become the leading hospital on the west coast. I believe in us."

~GA~

Meredith lingered after the staff had been dismissed. She stood with the arms crossed above her belly. She pouted at Addison who was speaking to some members of the board who congratulated her, expressing their high hopes on her.

Meredith cleared her throat loudly and everyone turned to her. Addison looked at her quickly and then back to the old men from the board.

"If there is anything, be sure to contact me. Thank you for your support and for giving me this opportunity. I won't let you down," she said and shook their hands before turning to Meredith.

Meredith didn't say anything right away so Addison took the opportunity to kiss her cheek, maybe that would soften her up a little.

"You have no right to tell everyone."

"Why?" Addison frowned.

"Everyone will talk about me and everyone will look down on me and I'm totally stressed out. There's only a few days until the exams and what if I have to do an internship all over again? And I'm pregnant and this is-"

Addison just smiled at her during her speech and then shut her up by kissing her.

"I love you," she said.

Meredith looked like she wanted to yell something at her, but couldn't get it out.

"That's not fair," Meredith said. "You can't say that when I want to be angry with you," she said and shivered. "I love you too," she said and locked her hands behind Addison's neck. She inclined her head toward Addison and they kissed.

The heat began to spread from the inside of Addison, making her skin prickle, making her pull Meredith closer. It made her slightly scared that the babies would be squeezed, but her surgeon-brain knew that they wouldn't be harmed. She had ambivalent feelings about both ripping Meredith's clothes off and at the same time treat her like porcelain.

Someone cleared their throat behind them. They let reluctantly go of each other.

It was a couple of members of the board.

"Chief, may we consult with you for a moment – maybe in the office? We'd like to start discussing the hospital's reformatory plans."

"Yes, certainly," Addison answered them and then looked at Meredith with a small, longing sigh. Just page me if there's anything, okay?"


	24. A Dinner Show

_A/N: Thank you for your patience!_

* * *

><p><strong>I Don't Hate You<strong>

_**Chapter 24: A Dinner Show**_

The following days Addison noticed the heavy workload quite a lot. The already stressful job as a surgeon would be at least multiplied when you were the Chief. She had less surgeries, which she found a bit unnerving, but there was more than a lot of administrative work to be done.

At night she basically went home and fell onto the bed, if she even got so far. Once she fell asleep on the sofa, waking up with a throbbing ache in her neck and a weird taste in her mouth and mascara all around her eyes.

Meredith was understanding and kind, of course, but getting more and more frustrated by the day. She especially disliked those days when Addison worked so late and was so tired that she decided to spend the night at the hospital.

It was exhausting. At least the first week or two, and after a calm weekend, mostly due to the fact that Addison was the Chief, so she could decide neither her or Meredith had to work at all.

It seemed to itch in Meredith's fingers to be in on the surgeries she missed, but she too needed to rest. It isn't easy for a pregnant woman, especially since Meredith was tiny and were having twins, to work as a surgeon.

Addison helped Meredith study for her exams and they ate a lot of healthy stuff for the babies that Izzie had made and had lots of sex and made sure to get enough sleep.

When the weekend was over, Addison felt quite relaxed and more ready to deal with her new position at the hospital. But when it was time for Meredith's exams she could hardly concentrate at all. She knew that Meredith should be able to make it, but you never knew, right?

Mark came into her office after the first hour of the exam with some juju. That made her smile and she gladly drank the chocolate.

"Even if she fails you'll make it anyway," Mark said to reassure her. She already knew that of course. It wouldn't be the end of the world.

~GA~

Addison waited for Meredith outside of the exam room. Meredith looked nervous when she greeted her.

"Now we can only wait," she said shakily while twisting her sleeves crampily.

"How did it feel?"

Meredith shrugged. "There's no point in guessing now, it's done, that's all."

Cristina appeared from the room and hooked her arm with Meredith's and started walking away with her. "What did you answer on 33 b? I answered lupus, but I wasn't really sure," Cristina babbled, without noticing Addison's existence.

Meredith seemed very interested in Cristina's question and tried to figure out which question that might have been. Addison lifted an eyebrow at them, confused over how Cristina could make Meredith talk about the exam but she couldn't.

Oh well. The Cristina-thing couldn't be explained.

~GA~

"Why are you looking at your phone like that? I was talking to you," Callie said annoyed. "Ever since you became Chief you've been so busy. It's probably something super important too," she muttered.

"No," Addison said absentmindedly, still frowning. "It's Meredith."

Callie's eyes widened. "Oh my god, is she in labor?"

"No," Addison laughed at her. "She wants to see me on the roof over ped's. Why?"

"Uhm."

"God, I hope she's not going to kill herself or something."

"That seems... highly unlikely."

"You never know with Meredith, and she's a hormonal bomb," Addison said, but she wouldn't seriously believe Meredith would jump. She wasn't suicidal at all. But she was still picturing all the possible scenarios of something horrible to be able to happen on a roof.

Her phone beeped again. This time Meredith had written to her to get her ass up there.

"I better go," Addison said.

"Do you want me to come with you?" Callie offered.

"Nah, I think it will be fine."

She took the elevator as high up as possible then took the extra flight of stairs. When she opened the door she met a fantastical scene. The autumn night was still nice and warm. Some stars were gleaming on the clear sky, at least the ones strong enough to shine regardless of the bright city lights from Seattle.

She didn't see Meredith and stepped away from the door and walked to the other side of the roof.

She gasped.

Meredith had brought up a table with two chairs facing each other. There was a white napkin covering it and at least a couple of dozens of candles were surrounding the table in a half circle on the ground, casting a golden light upon the scene.

Meredith was sitting at the table and when she saw Addison approaching her she stood up and walked over to her.

"What's all this for?" Addison asked, not being able to contain her surprise.

Meredith kissed her cheek and then, slightly arduously, went down to one knee.

Addison jumped and covered her mouth in her hands when she saw Meredith's hand slid into her lab coat's left pocket. Addison let out a shriek.

Meredith opened a small box, covered in black velvet, revealing a beautiful golden ring, saying "Will you marry me?"

"Meredith," Addison breathed.

"I know you are a marrying kind of girl," Meredith said quickly before Addison had any chance to say anything else. She got to heavily to her feet again, groaning, Addison helped her. "And I know you know that it's not that important for me," Meredith continued. "You don't have to say that I don't have to do this – cause I already know. I'm not doing this just to please you, I'm doing this for us because I want a future with you and I want the whole world to know it. I love you and you make me a marrying kind of girl because you are the one I want to marry."

Addison desperately tried to relocate her tongue in her mouth. A growing burst of joy spread in her chest, making it hard for her to breathe. Her emotions outran her mind and she couldn't think clearly. She was just a big glob of confused happiness.

"I don't know what to say," she managed to choke out.

"Say yes!" Meredith beamed, taking her hands tightly in hers.

"Yes," Addison whispered. Then repeated the word more clearly. Then shouted it.

They jumped and screamed and hugged and kissed each other. Addison watched, stupefied as Meredith put the ring on her finger. Meredith was saying something about her having to pick out a ring for her later, but Addison couldn't barely hear her through her tears of joy, even though tears normally did not affect the hearing.

~GA~

Meredith was big. Her tiny body looked silly with that belly. She was wearing a nightgown and her hair was messy. She looked at Addison's cup of coffee with longing eyes.

"Can I get you something?" Addison asked softly, putting down the newspaper.

"Juice?"

Addison just smiled at her and went over to the fridge to get her the pineapple juice she had become so addicted to lately.

"I've been thinking," Meredith said slowly, "on the future," she finished hesitantly.

"What about it?" Addison asked as she used her hip to push the door of the fridge closed.

"We should call Derek."

"What?" Addison frowned putting down the glass she intended to pour juice into with a bam and turned around.

"And Mark," Meredith added quickly.

"Why? You shouldn't be worrying about them. Especially not now. The babies can come any day."

"Don't you think I know that?" Meredith raised her voice. She was very cranky nowadays, especially in the mornings. "I just don't wanna find myself in a situation when they come bending over me, claiming the children or I don't know!"

"You're just seeing the worst possible happen baby. It won't happen," Addison tried to calm her.

"Stop patronizing me!"

Addison decided to just keep quiet and wait it out.

"You know what? I'll call them right now?"

"What?"

She got to her feet with a groan to go get her phone. Addison followed her.

There was a small silence while the ring tone tried to reach its destination.

"Mark? Yes, it's me, Meredith. I'll soon be having the babies so I wondered if you'd like to come over for dinner or something, so we can talk about how to arrange things after the babies are born."

Addison dared to inch closer to be able to hear his response. "Put it on speaker," she whispered.

"Uhm, weren't you and Addie gonna take sole custody?" he asked. "I don't mean to sound irresponsible, but, uhm, wasn't that what we agreed on?"

"We never really discussed it properly, and we need to do it with Derek too."

"Have you talked to him?" Mark asked.

"No, I'm gonna call him later."

"Okay. Why don't you call him up and decide when he can come to Seattle for dinner and then I'll just arrange my schedule after what you decide?"

"Mark, you're an angel," Meredith smiled and mimicked Addison's thoughts exactly.

They hung up and Meredith called Derek.

"Meredith? Why are you calling so early?" he asked, sounding like a failed attempt at covering up his worry.

"I'm fine. I'm calling because I'm going to give birth soon, so me and Addie want to discuss some practical issues concerning the babies with you and Mark over dinner."

There was a moment of silence before he answered. "I don't know if I can."

"What about Friday?"

"Uhm..."

"Great! Then it's decided. At 7?"

Derek sighed in defeat over the phone. "Fine."

"Super," she said merrily. "See you then! Bye!"

"Bye."

"Not bad," Addison laughed.

~GA~

Izzie ran around in the kitchen like a dog badly struck by rabies and Meredith was with her. Addison had just finished her hair and makeup and went downstairs to see if they needed any help.

Addison just gasped when she saw Meredith. "Aren't you done yet? You're in your sweatpants!"

"Nothing else fits me," she said sadly.

"Oh honey, but what about those maternity jeans I bought you?"

"They're in the laundry," Meredith shrugged.

"Couldn't you have thought about washing them earlier?" Addison asked somberly, her teeth clenched together.

"No, you don't get to be angry with me, Addie. I work at the hospital, and I'm eight months pregnant and I'm tired when I get home, my feet are swollen and I ache everywhere. So, no I haven't done the laundry," Meredith said, raising her voice gradually.

"Uhm," Izzie interrupted. "Should I leave?"

Addison sighed. "No it's fine. Stay."

"Look. They both have seen me before, I can wear these," she said and tugged at the gray, stretchy fabric.

Addison made a grimace.

"I'll just go," Izzie said quickly and hurried out of the kitchen.

"I won't make you wear a dress," Addison said slowly. "But it would be nice if you'd look respectable."

"Do you really hate these?" Meredith lifted an eyebrow.

"You know I do."

"Then meet me halfway," Meredith proposed.

"Yeah?"

"I'll wear scrubs."

"What?"

The front door opened and Cristina entered, asking Izzie about food, otherwise she would leave.

"Hey, I brought the jeans you asked for," Cristina said, entering the kitchen.

Addison made big eyes and Meredith laughed. "I asked her to buy a pair of jeans for me. I knew you would freak out."

"I have the receipt here somewhere," Cristina mumbled, fumbling through her pockets. "There," she said and gave it to Meredith. "I want all the money back. Every cent."

Meredith smiled, but Addison wasn't sure if Cristina was joking or not so she didn't dare to give her the money herself, as she normally would have done.

"Meredith, you shouldn't mess with me like that," Addison pouted when her brain had caught up with her.

Meredith was changing pants, supporting herself at the table. She snickered.

"I'm sorry babe. I wouldn't torture you with my clothing."

The doorbell rang.

"But you are right," Addison said to her while moving out of the kitchen. "They do know what you look like," she said and made an inner grimace at the mental picture.

Addison put a welcoming smile on her face and hid her insecurities and opened the door.

Derek and Mark greeted her. Derek smiled slightly and Mark had a big smile on his face.

"Hi!" Addison said and gave herself an inner slap because of how stupid she felt.

"Hi!" Mark answered and after a moment of hesitation her decided to hug her.

It was a kind of halfhearted hug since he intended to give her a tight, squeezing hug and she answered it loosely and patted him awkwardly on the back.

Derek obviously felt obligated to give her a hug as well and at least both gave each other an equally halfhearted hug this time – with only one arm.

"Come on in," she said and moved out of the way for them to enter. "Dinner is not ready yet. Izzie is making it," she explained, because they both knew that neither Meredith or Addison could cook.

Derek just nodded and Mark smiled understandingly.

"Where is Meredith?" Mark asked when he'd gotten his coat and shoes off.

"In the kitchen," Addison answered and Mark popped his head into that room.

"Hey!" he said. "Wow, that's what I call a belly."

"Are you calling me fat?" Addison heard Meredith answer and they laughed and Mark asked her if he got to touch it and if they used to kick.

He was handling it all very well. Probably because he knew they wouldn't let him have any responsibility regarding the children, even if he'd wanted to. Which he wouldn't.

"How are you Derek?" Addison asked.

"I'm fine. Work is good and less complicated than at Seattle Grace."

"That's nice."

Awkward silence.

"Oh, you should go say hi to Meredith," Addison said.

Derek nodded and they both went to the kitchen. Mark was talking to the belly and asking them about baby-names. He seemed completely at ease with all this.

"Hi, Meredith," Derek said. He smiled, but Addison knew him too well to be fooled. This was very difficult for Derek and she could see by the rigidness of his back and the slightly tightness of his lips that he rather would be somewhere else.

Addison had a loosely built theory that this was easy for Mark, since he knew they wouldn't make him have any responsibilities – at least not any difficult ones – but Derek loved children and he wanted to have lots of them. It would be a punch in his face if the twins were his and he wouldn't be allowed to care for them. On the other hand wouldn't he want to feel obligated to be some kind of secondary parent along with his exes.

Addison closely observed Derek as he hugged Meredith, which by the way was a much more genuine hug than the one she had exchanged with him.

"Oh!" Meredith exclaimed and jumped from the hug. She grabbed a hold of Derek's hand, pressed it to the side of her belly and said "They're kicking!"

Derek's eyes widened as he felt them kick. Addison heart broke when she saw the mixed feelings in his face as he put his other hand on her belly as well.

Addison had to turn around from the scene just to fight back the tears. It was worse than watching Extreme Home Makeover to see Derek both wish the twins were his and wish them not to be.

~GA~

By the table they talked about loose topics, mostly about things Meredith didn't know about, since it felt easier to discuss a time in the past when everything had felt much more easy, i. e. the time prior to Addison and Mark's affair.

After having a couple of laughs and explaining it to Meredith they ate in silence.

Mark looked up and smiled.

"Family dinner," he said, immediately thickening the atmosphere of the room.

"This is a strange family," he concluded for himself as no one said anything. "I understand me and Derek being here, but what is she doing here?" he joked, pointing at Cristina who rolled her eyes.

"I'm the person," she said simply which made both Derek and Mark laugh. The mood around the table brightened again. Addison let out a relieved sigh.

"The person is the only one who has the right to push me out of bed 5 o'clock in the morning just to talk about personal problems. With her shoes on," Addison added. "Does anyone want more potatoes?" she asked and Mark said yes so she got up to go to the kitchen.

When she came back with the pot she put it on the table, removed the oven mittens, put casually one hand on Meredith's belly and then kissed her quickly on her lips before sitting down beside her.

Derek suddenly stood up. "I can't do this."

"What? Please Derek," Meredith pleaded.

"No, I can't. This is..."

"This is what?" Mark frowned, seeming to think he was being childish.

"This is all wrong! I can't do this because I was married to you," he said and pointed at Addison, "who cheated on me with Mark and I left for Seattle where I met Meredith here, who I loved. You let us be alone for only two months before you also came to Seattle. I didn't return any of your calls and I think that sent out a clear message. But in reality, you didn't love me, you only wanted to get me back because you found out Mark cheated on you and you aborted your baby. You just can't be alone."

"That's completely unfair!" Addison protested.

"Shut up! It's my turn to speak!" Derek shouted and Addison made an inner whimper and they all just sat there, listening letting him finish.

This time it didn't sound like he was directing this whole speech only to Addison but telling them all a story.

"So Addison and I try to make our marriage work for about half a year, but she thinks I cheated on her with Meredith but the thing was that Meredith didn't want to have sex with me anymore because she was in love with you, I guess," he said directed to Addison again. "But we do realize that it's over and that I want to be with Meredith, so I walk up to Addison's hotel room to tell her this, only to find Mark there. Naked. We get a divorce. Meredith and I try to make it work, at least that was I thought we were doing! The sex was awful, possibly even more awful than with Addison, and I try to be all bright and shiny because I figured she just needed time. Then she suddenly breaks up with me, sleeps with Mark, gets knocked up and gets together with Addison! What's wrong with that picture?"

Addison cleared her throat. "Well... In the best of worlds-"

"-In the best of worlds we would still be in New York and we would be happy and Meredith would date that Finn-guy and she would never meet us unless we would be at a conference somewhere in the world!"

"You would just delete me?" Mark frowned.

"But Derek, that isn't the best of worlds," Addison interrupted them, "because we weren't happy, and Mark is a manwhore and Meredith wouldn't want to be with Finn because she loves me."

"I can't do this..."

"Please Derek," Meredith said, rising up to catch him if he'd try to run or something. She wobbled over to his side of the table and took his hand in hers. "You are a part of this family, and we wouldn't want it any other way. We're not forcing you into this, but we want you to be here. We really do. If you turn out to be the father we will of course let you decide what kind of role you want to have."

Her face scrunched up in pain.

"Meredith... What's wrong?" Addison asked cautiously.

"I think we should go to the hospital."

They all stared at her.

"Are you having contractions?" Derek asked, totally forgetting about being angry.

"Yes, since half past 4... AM," she said.

"Meredith!" Cristina bellowed, shocked.

"But I knew it would be pointless to go to the hospital that early. The contractions are still pretty far apart," she reasoned. "But I really wanted us to have this dinner," she said and then her eyes widened.

"What?"

"My water broke," she said happily.

"Why are you smiling like that?" Cristina demanded. "Take my car!" she said and threw a pair of keys to Mark.

Together Cristina and Addison helped Meredith change to sweatpants and clean underwear. She told Derek to run upstairs to get the bag they had prepared for this moment, and then they were off.

While in the car she realized how silly it had been of her to stress like that. It was like Meredith had said, the contractions were still far apart.

Mark and Derek both decided to go directly to the hospital. Addison also called the hospital to make them prepare a gurney for Meredith. She had delivered many babies in her life, but she had never been so stressed out about it before. Not even her first delivery could compare to this feeling.


	25. Stork Delivery

_A/N: Without the encouraging reviews, I probably would have abandonned fanfiction by now. Thank you so much!_

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><p><strong>I Don't Hate You<strong>

_**Chapter 25: Stork Delivery**_

It took another 7 hours until she was good to go.

"We're ready," the midwife said. It rang as the shot of a gun in a running competition in Addison's head.

She nodded with purpose and knocked the door open to tell the guys.

"She's ready!" she exclaimed with excitement, but frowned when she noticed Mark was absent.

"Where's Mark?"

"Can I come in?" Derek asked, ignoring her question. He was already standing, ready to catch the babies like he was playing baseball.

"Where's Mark?"

"Can I come in?"

"No, you know what we've said," she said in one breath. "Where is Mark?"

Derek sat down again. "He had to go to the hospital."

"We're at the hospital."

"You know what I mean," he rolled his eyes. "Honestly, I don't think he could take anymore. He was looking pretty pale at the end. A pale minty color, like green mint tea with milk."

"I get the picture."

"ADDISON!" Meredith suddenly roared through the wall.

"You should probably call Mark," Addison stopped to tell Derek, she was already rushing back to the room before the third syllable.

"Addie," Meredith growled through clenched teeth when she reappeared by the doorway.

"I'm sorry baby," she said and went to hold Meredith's hand by the side of her bed.

"Are you ready to push?" the midwife asked.

"No!" Meredith yelled. "No I'm not ready, and I won't ever be! This is crazy! Why do women do this voluntarily?"

"I don't think anyone does it voluntarily."

Meredith started screaming along with another contraction.

"This is it, Meredith! Push!" the midwife said.

"You can do it, Mer! I'm right here with you."

And she pushed and she screamed and pressed her fingernails through the skin of Addison's hand.

Eventually a dark haired, squished up little bundle got to meet the day.

"It's a boy! Ten fingers, ten toes!" the midwife announced. "Would you like to cut the cord?" she asked Addison.

"Oh, yes please," she said and cut the cord with the pair of scissors the midwife handed her. It was one of many cords she had cut in her career, but it felt like she had never done it before.

Meredith collapsed on the pillows just as the midwife gave Addison the baby to hold.

"Great," she gasped. "I don't think I have it in me to push out another," she said weakly.

Addison showed her the baby boy.

"What if the other one suffocates in there? Shouldn't we already be getting it out?" Meredith wondered.

"We'll do it in your own time," Addison said. "Everything will be fine."

"No we should get going now. I can feel it," Meredith said. "Something is wrong with the baby," she said and began immediately hyperventilating.

Addison exchanged a quick glance with the midwife before giving Meredith an ultrasound herself.

"You hear that, Mer? That's a strong heartbeat."

"I just want to get on with it! Before I change my mind. Honestly Addie, my vagina is already too..."

She began screaming like a nut case.

The midwife was ready between Meredith's legs and told Addison that it was time to get going again. Addison handed the newborn to a nurse and got ready to hold her love's hand again.

"You can do it Mer, push!"

She didn't need any persuasion.

~GA~

Addie lay on her side beside Meredith, her arm under her head. The babies were cleaned up and half-sleeping on Meredith's chest. One had eaten, one hadn't.

"Should we wake him? Like poke on him to make him eat?" Meredith wispered.

"No, he'll eat in his own time."

Meredith rolled her eyes. "Stop saying that."

Meredith stroked one of the babies soft hair with a finger.

"Their hair is so dark," she mumbled. "Do you think that means...?"

Addison shook her head. "It doesn't mean anything. It can start turning blond by tomorrow."

"It doesn't matter anyway," Meredith sighed.

Addison smiled.

"We have two boys."

"Yes, we do," Meredith said, like she didn't really believe it was true.

"Two beautiful, perfect boys," Addison mumbled, not letting them out of her sight.

"I love you," Meredith said, surprising Addison by not looking at the babies.

"I love you too."

"What are we going to name them? We didn't really get anywhere when we spoke about it before."

"It has to work with our last-names at least," Addison said and bit her lip.

"Montgomery Grey or Grey Montgomery? With or without the hyphen?"

"I thought we decided on Montgomery-Grey, with the hyphen?"

"Yeah. I was just making sure. So... You decide one, and I decide one."

"But we have to agree," Addison pointed out.

"Of course. So.. Who goes first?"

"I can. This guy," Addison said and put her hand on the firstborn's back, "told me that his name is Timothy."

"Timothy? Seriously. Wow, that kid is going to be bullied. Why didn't you put it on our name list?" Meredith pouted.

"It's a name that has many potentials, and I didn't think of it before. When I look at him, I see that it fits him. He can be called Tim or Timmy and Timothy sounds really fab so my family is going to be pleased. It won't come of silly at the side of Montgomery."

"Timothy Rider Montgomery-Grey," Meredith concluded.

"Where did Rider come from?" Addison frowned, not particularly fond of that name.

"Well, he told me that was his second name."

"I want to hear you argument for this one."

"Okay uhm...," Meredith hesitated. "This is going to sound slightly ridiculous but... Rider was the nicest golden lab ever to exist on this planet. I had a neighbor that had this dog when I was a kid and I got to-"

"You want to name our child after a dog? Are you kidding me?" Addison said dryly.

"It was a nice, brave dog!"

Addison rolled her eyes. She was going to pick this battle up another time. "Let's move on to number two."

"Chris."

"Chris Montgomery-Grey. It sounds a bit small beside that enormous last-name."

"Christopher?"

"Terrific," Addison smiled. "Christopher Aiden Montgomery-Grey."

"Oh, the guy that sailed the ship... Who was he – your great grandfather right?"

"My grandfather's father. Mother's side."

"I really like that name," Meredith smiled, looking at little Christopher.

"Me too."

Someone knocked on the door and a nurse walked in.

"I'm sorry to bother you but uhm the fathers are here to see the babies," she said, putting a big accentuation on fathers.

"Oh, yeah, let them in," Meredith said.

Mark and Derek walked in, both of them looking quite insecure and out of place.

"I want you to meet Tim and Chris," Meredith said proudly.

They approached them and stand there for a moment, everyone watching the babies.

"They look like me," Derek said, he was looking pale. But Addison knew that if these babies were his, it wasn't going take long until he melted.

"God no! They are like little copies of me," Mark said, letting Chris squeeze his finger. "To be honest, I wouldn't mind being a father. It would make me proud. But it's best that I say it now. I will be cool uncle Mark, I do not change diapers, I do not baby-sit, I do not buy birthday presents."

"Wow, you really are a douche," Derek muttered.

Mark gave him a haughty stare.

"Are you really that much better than me? What are you prepared to do?"

"Can't we just get the paternity test over with?" Derek countered.

~GA~

"Just tell us," Meredith said.

The nurse looked a bit scared. It wasn't strange, judging by the way everyone was staring at her. Derek and Mark were sitting down by the side of the bed, but barely so, they were so tense it looked like they had nails stuck up their asses.

"The father is Mark Sloan. Congratulations?"

She probably didn't mean to make it sound like a question but nobody could call her rude since the shock that filled the room was enough to give someone a heart attack.

Her words lingered in the room like an echo.

Before Addison had time to figure out something to say or do Derek got to his feet and walked toward the door. His back was straight, his eyes set high on his goal. No one tried to stop him. When he had left the room Meredith asked hesitantly:

"Should someone go after him?"

Addison shook her head slowly. "Leave him be."

Mark got to his feet as well, but unlike Derek he didn't go for the door but turned to the nurse.

"Lady, there has to be something wrong here," he said smoothly, trying to talk her into this idea. "I can't be the...," he couldn't make himself pronounce the word father or dad. He struggled on, but didn't manage to sound smooth anymore. "Derek should be the one. He's the better one of us."

"I'm sorry?" The nurse looked terrified by this point. Mark may be handsome and all but he was towering over her as if he thought he could threaten her to change the results.

Addison walked up to him and put a hand against his shoulder.

"Mark," she said softly but with an edge of a warning.

He stared passed her at the nurse.

A wave of emotion caught up with her and she just felt an urge of tenderness toward this man. She didn't fight this urge and wrapped her arms around him in a hug and rested her cheek against his neck.

"You're a good man, Mark. Don't think so little of yourself, 'kay?" she whispered so only he could hear.

She let go of him because his body was still slightly rigid and she wanted to avoid him pushing her away.

"No pressure," she said and smiled in an attempt to lighten up the mood.

Mark sighed.

"Do you wanna hold the babies?"

"Oh no, thanks I'm good," he said, sounding exasperated and sat down on the chair again.

The nurse left them alone and a strange silence appeared between the three of them and the babies. The mood of the room was both relieved and confused.

"Uhm... So... You're signing the paternity form?" Meredith eventually asked.

"Yes... No... Maybe."

"What?" Addison huffed.

Mark bit his lip, thinking hardly. Suddenly he banged his fists against his thighs and jumped up, reaching his arm against the women like in a bad anime.

"Of course! What kind of a man do you think I am? Give me a pen and hand me the damn form!"

Relieved Meredith started laughing and tears glistened in her eyes again. She cried when she saw her boys and now she cried again. Everything seemed to be alright.


	26. Including Life to Motherhood part 1

**I Don't Hate You**

_**Chapter 26: Including Life to Motherhood part 1**_

"I want to go back to work."

Addison jumped and accidentally applied mascara all over her eyelid. "Ah, you startled me," she said and looked at Meredith through the bathroom mirror.

Meredith was wearing her old college T-shirt, old and dirty sweatpants and her oily, messy hair was kept up by a sloppy pony tail.

Addison was getting ready for work, and Meredith was on mother's leave. They had stayed home together during the first week, but Addison was too important for SGH to take a longer leave.

"Meredith, it hasn't even been two weeks. Take a shower! Go out for a walk or something!"

"I'm a surgeon, not a mother," she pouted.

"Honey, you're both."

"I don't feel like a mother."

Addison stopped trying to save her makeup and put the cotton pad down on the sink. She faced Meredith and said "Would you like to go out tonight? We could go to your favorite restaurant... Hire a babysitter. Who do you think would be suited to babysit? We always have O'Malley, Yang or Mark..."

Meredith's eyes widened with horror and Addison was amused by the way she had succeeded to prove her point.

"See? You're a mother."

"I'm gonna go check on them," Meredith said and slipped out of the bathroom to probably wake up the sleeping babies just to make sure they were fine.

"Always let babies sleep when they do," Addison murmured to herself and picked up the mascara again for a retry. She knew Meredith wouldn't listen to her anyway.

She applied lipstick and looked at herself in the mirror. She had dark shadows under her eyes. Meredith didn't wake up easily during nighttime so Addison was usually the one to go check on the boys when they woke up crying.

A shrill cry pierced the calm of the house.

Addison pursed her lips.

She put down the lipstick and went to see how it was going for Meredith. She glanced at her wrist watch as she quickly stepped to the nursery. They had had the office remade and would have to discuss kicking out their roommates eventually, but that wasn't a conversation for now.

Meredith was cradling Timothy, trying to hush his crying.

Addison wrapped her arms around Meredith from behind her and gave her a kiss on her neck.

"I love you," she said.

"I love you too, have a nice day at work," Meredith said, slightly sadly.

"I'm sorry I can't stay here with you. When I get home we can list pros and cons with all the nannies we've got on our list."

"I'd like that. He stopped crying," Meredith said silently and smiled.

"Hey baby-boy," Addison said, making a squeaky voice. She had eye contact with Tim for a moment, then the lamp in the ceiling became more interesting than his mothers.

Addison let go of Meredith so she could put him back in the crib.

They left the nursery and in the hallway Addison turned to her fiancee.

"You know what we also can do tonight," she said suggestively.

Meredith stared at the floor. "I don't know... We'll see..."

"Come on Meredith. Your body has changed and it's all natural. You're still beautiful."

"I just don't feel comfortable with you going down on me right now."

Addison sighed. "How can I convince you to feel sexy again?"

"You can't. Give me some time, you weren't the one squeezing out two humans."

"I know," Addison pouted.

"I can help you get off if you want."

"That's not what it's about," Addison frowned. "I want to make love to you. I need to make love to you, Meredith. It has been too long."

"Go to work," Meredith just said and kissed her cheek.

Addison felt like pressing Meredith up against the wall and do things that she knew she couldn't resist. But the timing was wrong – she was already late – and Meredith didn't seem so up for it.

By the doorway she almost ran into Cristina who dropped by.

"Hey, I'm just gonna give Meredith some material to study."

"Great," Addison smiled.

"What's wrong?" Cristina frowned at her.

"What?"

"You look weird."

Addison rolled her eyes at her. "Go talk to Meredith about it. You're her friend."

"Fine. Beat it," Cristina said and ran passed her up the stairs to talk to Meredith.

~GA~

At work she got to know that Derek was guesting the hospital to perform a particularly complicated surgery that had come up. He had gone to SGH in a helicopter. It made her immediately think of Meredith again and how much she wanted to be at the hospital.

Addison was going to avoid Derek by all possible means. He had cut them off completely. He probably felt humiliated by not being the father of the babies.

Karev informed her about her cases and what he had already accomplished during the morning. After all, the clock was almost half passed nine and he had been working since five.

She wondered if he got laid.

She seriously needed to get laid. Meredith needed to get her things together and just make orgasms happen again.

All her patients seemed to get laid. But they all hadn't given birth yet, except one, but her newborn had suffered from asphyxia and was still in the intensive care. She didn't think their parents were thinking about doing it when they nearly lost their child.

She definitely should stop thinking about her personal life while filling out forms. Not a good blend.

"Addison, hey."

"Hi," Addison said and looked at Callie, quite grateful that she had saved her from her own brain.

"I have to tell you something," she said and tried to push down a smile from spreading all over her face.

Addison closed the file folder and took off her glasses and focused at Callie.

"I joined the club!" she burst out.

"What club?" Addison frowned, going through a mental list of all Callie's hobbies. "Chess? Karate?"

"No!" Callie said and then leaned closer to Addison's ear. "The lesbian club," she whispered.

"Oh. Oh! Callie!" Addison gasped, the message going through in three phases.

"I know. Who knew!"

"I don't know what to ask first... Who is she?"

"It's Erica Hahn," Callie said and held her breath.

Addison stared at her. Picturing Callie and that stuck up heart surgeon wasn't possible.

"How did that happen?" Addison said, disguising her negative thoughts by mimicking Callie's excitement.

"Uhm... Where to start? You know I've been sleeping with Mark, right?"

Addison's smile faded, but not all together. "No... You haven't?"

"Oh, shoot," Callie said, making a horrified face. "Sorry!"

"So..."

"Mark and I... It has only been about the sex, nothing else. Friends with benefits, you know."

"Right."

"Oh, god I hope I didn't..."

"Make me jealous? No, not at all Callie. I just thought you would tell me something like that," Addison said. "But then again, I don't think I really wanted to know. Let's just forget about it. Tell me about Hahn instead!"

"Okay," Callie said and began shining with happiness again. "Actually it's pretty much thanks to Mark. He made me realize I had feelings for her. I was thinking that we were just friends, we've been hanging out for a while, but Mark told me what he saw and I finally had to admit that he had a point. Especially since last nigh... We kissed. I kissed her, and she kissed me back."

"I haven't even noticed that you started hanging out," Addison frowned.

"You were probably busy with having the twins," Callie pointed out, lifting an eyebrow at her. "Speaking about the..." she then smiled and nodded toward someone behind Addison.

She turned around and saw Mark appearing.

"Oh, there you are," he said, looking revealed. "Have you seen Derek yet?"

"No, isn't he just operating then getting out of here?"

"It's taking time, so he'll probably spend the night either at the hospital or in town... It's also possible that he will be needed for post-op."

Addison groaned.

"You should probably avoid him," Mark told her.

"Like I didn't know that," she hissed and then groaned again, but louder this time. "Why can't they just find another neurosurgeon?"

Mark shrugged. "Life's a bitch."

"Have you met him?" Callie asked.

"I saw him, and if looks could kill..."

Addison sighed. "He's always so... so...," she searched for a suiting word for it, "rancorous."

Callie and Mark both nodded thoughtfully.

"Do you guys wanna go out to Joe's tonight?" Callie suddenly asked.

"Sure," Mark said. "I'm off at seven."

"Uhm, I don't know," Addison said, thinking about whether she should be home with Meredith or spend time with her friends.

"Oh come on, Addie. You could use a break from motherhood."

She glared at him.

"I'm joking!" he said but his laugh was slightly strained.

"I'll ask Meredith. Maybe she wants to come with, if we can find a babysitter we can trust..."

"All they do is sleep and eat, how hard can it be?" Callie asked and shrugged.

"At least I know now who I won't ask," Addison said, making big eyes at Callie who laughed.

Her eyes grew bigger when she saw a man with perfect dark hair exiting the elevator that pinged open behind her friends.

"Shit!" Addison whispered and Mark and Callie turned around.

"Uh oh," Mark breathed.

"It's too late to hide you guys in a closet right?" Callie said.

In that moment Derek looked up and saw the three staring at him. He didn't look happy.

"Hi Derek!" Callie called out over happily.

A hot and cold shrill traveled through Addison's spine. She exchanged a hard gaze with Mark and they both turned to Callie, gritting their teeth.

"What are you doing?" Addison hissed. "Now he has to come over here!"

"I'm sorry, I just couldn't control it. It just slipped out," she told them quickly.

Derek came over to them.

"Hello," he said.

"Hi," the three of them answered at once.

Mark cleared his throat.

Addison scraped at the floor with the bottom of her shoe.

"Well, I need to, uhm..," Addison said, stroking a strand of hair that had slipped out of the neat bun she had on the top of her head.

She avoided eye-contact and took the file folder with her as she began walking toward the other direction Derek had come from.

"Yeah, I also have to, uhm..."

~GA~

When Addison had a break in her schedule she checked her phone and noticed that Meredith had called earlier. She called her back.

"Hey babe," Meredith answered joyfully.

"Hi honey. What's up?"

"Taking a walk. Any news from the hospital?"

Addison , trying to remember what gossip Meredith had or hadn't heard.

"Oh right! Soo... Guess who Callie's dating."

"Oh God, not Mark right?" Meredith gasped.

"No, no. I'll give you a hint. The one she's dating is more of the amusing kind than the horrifying kind."

"What. That didn't give me anything to go on."

"Just guess," Addison sighed.

"O'Malley?"

"No."

"Alex Karev?"

Addison just laughed.

"The Chief?"

"Ew, no!"

"How far off am I? You have to give me another lead."

"Think... Cardio."

"Is it Burke? How could that be amusing?" Meredith almost shrieked in Addison's ear. "Is he cheating on Cristina?"

"Honey. Calm down. What other Cardio-god do you know of?"

"That old guy... What's-his-name... But I wouldn't call him a God."

Addison waited for Meredith to come to the right conclusion.

"It couldn't be... Is it... Dr Hahn?" Meredith pronounced the last words in a mixture of a whisper and a wheeze as if she lost all the air in her lungs.

"Yes."

"No way!"

"Yes way."

"I can't believe it! Have they... Have they done it yet?"

"Is that the first thing you come to think of? I don't know, I don't think so if I know Callie right."

"Oh, I remember our first time. And our first kiss," Meredith sighed longingly.

"Ehm, actually," Addison cleared her throat, "I don't think you remember our first kiss."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Meredith frowned at her.

"I kissed you when you were on morphine," Addison confessed, blushing.

Meredith laughed. "And you tell me this now? How did it even happen? What did I say or do to make you kiss me?"

Addison felt relieved. "I'm sorry for, I guess, stealing our first kiss. I was just so confused at the time and happy that Derek hadn't knocked you up while cheating on me."

"Why would you think I was pregnant?"

"Well, with the puking and one of your friends suggested it."

"So... What did I say to make you kiss me?"

"You told me that I was hot, sexy and classy, among other things."

Meredith laughed again, but louder this time. "It's true though."

"We mostly talked about the Derek situation," Addison said before she asked. "You actually wanted help with choosing between Derek and our veterinarian."

"Oh. Yeah, I've tried to forget about that time," Meredith mumbled.

"Yeah... But at least we found each other during that time."

"Yeah."

"Anyway, Callie and Mark asked if we wanted to go out to Joe's tonight around seven or eight. I know you can't drink yet but I thought I could be sober with you and we'll just have a good time. We could hire a babysitter."

Meredith sighed through the phone. "Yeah, like who? Addison, we don't know anyone trustworthy enough in Seattle."

"Sure we do... I'm sure Richard and Adele would do it."

"Richard is probably still pissed off at you. He basically fired you. Burke holds a grudge against you since that ruined his chances of getting the job as Chief, and it's even worse now when Hahn has started working here. I guess some of my friends would be okay babysitters, but the thing is that they want to have a life on a Friday night."

"Oh Meredith. Let's try to find someone at least. I bet Bailey would help out, if she isn't working."

"Hm, I'll think about it," Meredith grunted. "I'll ask around and then I'll text you. But you should ask Bailey, I don't really feel like I have the position to do that."

"Okay, will do. I love you, Meredith. Kiss our boys for me."

"I will. Love you too, bye."

~GA~

_From Meredith (05:54 PM):_  
><em>Add, I can't find a babysitter. Plus I think Tim feels a bit warm so I would like to stay here with them. You have fun, just don't be out out late.<em>

_From Meredith (6:58 PM)  
><em>_Where are you? Aren't you gonna come home before going out?_

Addison saw the texts just before 7:30 when she had finished an emergency surgery. She called her up.

"Hi Addie, where are you?"

"I'm at the hospital. There was a complication-"

"As always," Meredith interrupted. "So did you get my texts?"

"Yes I did. Saw them now. How is Timothy?"

"Oh he's a bit warm. Probably nothing to worry about but I still want to keep an eye on him. And before you ask, I did call Bailey after all, she's on-call, and all my friends are going out too, but to a club so it's not even Joe's. Maybe George is going to stay home and if the kids are calm maybe, if I'm not too tired, I'll might join you."

"A lot of maybes Mer. Okay, but are you sure you're okay with me going out? Mark said he'd get off now so I thought I'd go directly there."

"You do that."

"Okay, good. What are the boys doing now? I miss them so much."

"They are on that blue blanket on the floor. Tim is chewing and drooling all over the book about that duck, you know. And Chris is watching the mobile. He looks very concentrated. I think he's going to be a scientist."

"Or a surgeon."

A shrill cry was heard through the end of the phone.

"Or maybe not," Addison concluded.

"Okay, I have to go," Meredith said, her voice slightly rushed.

"See you at home, or at Joe's," Addison said. "I love you."


	27. Including Life to Motherhood part 2

**I Don't Hate You**

_**Chapter 27: Including Life to Motherhood part 2**_

Addison met Mark in the lobby. He looked handsome and excited.

"Wow, Addie, you're smashing," he said, winking at her.

The only thing she'd done was changing her blouse from a more conservative one suitable for work to a red silky top. And freshen up her makeup and her hair of course. She had let her hair out so the curls bounced against her shoulders. She hadn't had much to work with, but at least she had a hairbrush and some hairspray.

"I really like your cardigan, Mark," Addison said, pinching the dark fabric between her thumb and her index finger.

"Thanks. It's new," he smiled.

It was a thin, V-necked cardigan with buttons and low pockets.

They began walking side by side to the bar. It was after all just across the street, but it felt nice to go there together anyway.

Stepping inside the door – which Mark held up for her almost like a gentlemen – they immediately saw Callie with her new fling.

"She's drinking wine," Addison frowned.

"Oh god, I can just picture Hahn being a woman who tries to change her partners. But... I can also imagine them doing other things," Mark smirked. "Ow!"

Addison had elbowed him in his side.

"That's going to bruise," he muttered.

"You want scotch?" she asked, ignoring his complaint.

He nodded.

They sat down by the bar. Addison ordered tequila. It felt like it filled up the missing space Meredith had created with her absence.

She swept down the Tequila shot as soon as Joe put it on the table. As she sucked on the lemon slice she cast a glance over her shoulder at Callie and Hahn.

"They look so weird together, don't they?" Addison asked Mark solemnly. "Another one, Joe. And a dry martini."

"Homophobic much?" Mark smiled and took another sip of his scotch.

Addison just rolled her eyes.

"And by the way, are you planning on getting totally smashed tonight?"

"No... I just... I need sex, Mark. And Callie gets it. Heck even Hahn seems to get it," she muttered and downed her second shot.

"Jealous much?"

"How come she gets it but I don't?"

"Your fiancée just gave birth to twins," Mark sighed. "You know what? Just stop whining and let's have fun tonight."

"I'm sorry."

"It's okay," he said and patted her on her back in a hard and manly way so the sound resonated through her lungs.

He then began searching through the bar like a hunter searches for pray.

"Well, if you get really drunk tonight I don't think Meredith is going to give it up," he said without stopping his search. He suddenly stopped at a sleek brunette – probably half his age – and smiled confidently. Without removing his eyes on her he said "I on the other hand, is going to get lucky tonight."

With those words said he downed the rest of his scotch and went to talk to the girl.

Addison sighed and turned away from them. She didn't feel like watching Mark put his charm on.

"I'm not going to sulk," she told herself. She could do this. She would do this.

She stood up with the dry martini glass in her hand and walked over to Callie and Hahn.

"Good evening, my ladies," she said, putting her own charm on.

"Dr. Montgomery," Hahn said politely.

"Oh, you don't need to-," Callie started telling Hahn, but changed her mind and looked at Addison as if she'd done something wrong.

Addison smiled. "You can call me by my first name, yes."

"Oh, okay," Hahn said. "Let's do this again," she said and stretched out her hand for Addison to shake, "Hi, I'm Erica."

"Pleased to meet you Erica. I'm Addison."

They smiled in a teeny bit strained way. There was some kind of tension in the air. No one said anything and everyone started to wriggle a bit nervously.

"Okay, so," Callie broke the silence, "it's great that you finally meet."

"We've met before," Erica said.

"Yeah but only as a boss and an employee," she retorted.

Addison frowned. She wondered if the situation got weird because of her being the Chief. She hadn't been in this situation before, but as Erica was newly employed at SGH she might feel like she couldn't totally relax in front of her boss. Maybe Addison shouldn't be drinking at a bar with her employees.

"It is okay to be," she searched for the right word, "casual, with me. Just because I'm the chief doesn't mean that I judge your work performance when we're at a bar during our free time."

Erica looked relieved, but not totally.

"So, how did you guys meet?" Addison asked to lighten up the mood.

"Uhm, we met at the hospital," Callie said, looking at Erica with glittering eyes. "She was doing a heart transplant and I just happened to spill coffee on her... And things just happened from there."

Erica nodded, but then quickly turned to Addison and said, "not that I wanted to transfer to Seattle Grace just because of Callie, it's truly a great hospital with a much better surgical wing than at Mercy West."

Addison had to use all her energy to not roll her eyes at the woman. At this moment, she hated being Chief. Normal coworkers had turned to be just like interns. Suck ups, just as Bailey would called them.

"I'm just going to go be the Chief in that corner," Addison said tiredly, pointing nowhere in particular.

"No, Addie," Callie said and took her hand.

"You two enjoy yourselves," Addison said, smiling as pleasantly as she could at them and walked over to the bar and sat down there.

She only had time to take a sip of her drink when she heard a female voice talking to her.

"Is this seat taken?" the woman asked pointing at the seat just next to her. It wasn't like it was the only seat available. The bar wasn't that full yet.

The woman was blond, younger than Addison but probably not younger than Meredith. She was pretty, but unknown to Addison and she couldn't figure how she could possibly even get the idea that Addison would be into the ladies. It wasn't like she'd changed her style or anything. And if she was from here, and knew people from the hospital, it wouldn't be strange for her to make this assumption – except that she would know about her relationship with Meredith.

"Ehm, sure."

Addison exchanged a perplex look with the bartender, Joe.

"So, are you being a third wheel tonight?" the blond woman asked, smiling charmingly at her and nodding toward Callie and Erica's direction.

Addison laughed.

"So it seems," she said.

"Huh," the blond one said and smiled. She then asked Joe to make her a pink panther. Whatever that was.

Addison scrutinized her curiously. "Did you assume I'm a... because of...?" Addison asked, frowning and motioning toward the lovebirds.

"Oh," the woman said, looking disappointed.

Addison suddenly regretted what she'd said, partly out of pride but mainly because of curiosity. She wanted to learn why and she didn't want to make the wrong moves in this foreign environment.

"I'm sorry?" Addison said, feeling confused and dumb.

"No, it's just that I'm not interested in bi-curious women," she said lifting an eyebrow at Addison.

Addison stared at her with her mouth open, trying to collect herself to just ask why, but she just kept staring at her, looking more dumb than ever, while the woman fumbled through her purse and put some money on the counter.

"Keep the change," she told Joe who just put down her Pink Panther – which seemed to be a slightly thick, pink pastel colored drink.

"Why would you assume that?" Addison asked, putting all her pride aside.

She was just about to rise from the bar stool when Addison posed her question and turned to her again. Pursing her lips and giving her a look that almost resembled disdain.

"It's not something I can explain, but I saw it on you when you talked to your friends over there, and that you didn't agree with her new girlfriend. A straight woman wouldn't look jealously at them."

"Jealous?"

"But I seemed to have been wrong,"

"Well..."

"Goodnight," she said, nodding at her and then leaving.

Joe smirked at her. Addison looked back at him, wondering what just had happened.

"I think you just got dissed," he laughed.

"But, what, I don't even..."

"Tell you what, I'll make you a Margarita, on the house."

"Thanks," Addison mumbled.

Mark came and sat down at the seat the woman had been sitting on.

"She blew me off," he complained. "Joe, can I get a glass of your finest whiskey please?"

"Sure."

"Why, what happened?" Addison asked him.

"She said she had a family emergency, whatever that means," he grumbled.

"She looked a bit young for you," Addison noted.

"Hey, did I ask for your opinion?"

"Sorry. If you don't mind me asking... What happened with Izzie?"

"Uh... I caught her with Alex a week ago or so..."

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that," she said and looked anxiously at him.

"Yeah...," he mumbled.

"Well," she started off, not being able to push her smirk down. "At least now you know how that feels."

"Yeah, he's a man of my kind," he said, taking a sip of his drink, not getting what she meant or ignoring it.

Addison rolled her eyes.

"Oh, Mark, come on."

"I saw you talking to someone. Who was that?"

"I don't know, someone hitting on me."

Mark whistled.

"I don't think you have changed that much at all. Your hair's the same, you dress the same. Do you suddenly come across as a lesbian?"

Addison laughed. "I wouldn't know. But apparently not enough because she decided she wasn't interested after I've only uttered two sentences."

"Well," Mark shrugged, "why would you care anyway? You've got Meredith."

"I know! It's just that... It's nice to feel wanted, and it hurt my pride a little. I wanted at least to have the chance to say that I'm unavailable."

"You women. You're a strange breed," Mark grumbled, shaking his head slowly from side to side. "Actually, we are both a part of a new even stranger breed," he said.

"What's that?"

"We are parents, Addison," he said solemnly and stared off blankly into Joe's shelves, taking a huge sip of his scotch.

"I'm sure you have been a long time already Mark. I wonder how many Sloans there are out there already."

"Impossible, I always use pro-"

"-Mark, do we even have to go there? Mister I assumed she was on the pill."


End file.
